


I'm Fine || l.s.

by twinklingpisces



Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 45,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29399328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinklingpisces/pseuds/twinklingpisces
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING FOR WHOLE STORY: •self harm•eating disorder•talk of suicide•abuse/talk of abuse•homophobiaHarry is upset, he just wants someone to care about him but he keeps pushing everyone away.Despite being packed tightly in a tour bus with the rest of the band, he still manages to avoid them.The boys begin to worry, Louis especially.//May 2020 - July 2020
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just uploading this here because wattpad deleted my oneshot story so I wanna make sure my others are safe

Over the past few weeks, Harry had begun to distance himself from the boys, hardly speaking except for to answer any simple questions.

They had began to worry about him. He had once been the happiest person alive, but recently they hadn't seen him smile at all.

"Oi, Harry do you want to play this with us?" Liam asked, motioning to the TV.

He shook his head, walking over to his bunk, the one he shared with Louis.

"Are you sure? It'll be fun." 

"No thanks." He mumbled.

Liam glanced at Zayn and Niall, raising his eyebrows. They looked back at him, frowning as he sat staring into space.

"Louis will be back soon." Niall piped up, a grin on his face. Louis was staying at Eleanor's (his 'girlfriend's') house again, he stayed there very often recently. 

Management had gotten them together in order to break up the rumours of Larry, but Harry feared the Louis had begun to love her. He stayed there a lot more than he was made to, seeing the boys a lot less. Louis and Harry had never been together, they'd always been close friends, the closest out of the group but they had drifted since Louis had gotten with Eleanor. Despite not being a couple, Harry had a massive crush on Louis.

They hadn't talked properly for at least 2 months. Louis didn't care about Harry anymore, just as Harry had expected.

"Yeah, what time again?"

"In about an hour or so I think."

"We're going out for dinner right?" Zayn checked.

"Yeah."

//

"'Ello!" Louis burst through the door to their tour bus, a large smile spread across his face.

"Louisss!" They shouted, engulfing him in a hug. Harry remained on the bed, staring at them wistfully.

"Alright Haz?" Louis smiled at him.

"Fine." He shrugged.

"You sure?" He frowned, noticing Harry was a lot quieter than he was usually.

"Yeah."

"Alright, if you say so." He passed it off as an off day.

"So are we still on for going out tonight?"

"Yeah, course."

"How about we get ready?" Liam suggested.

"Yeah, sure."

"Bagsy the bathroom first!" Niall shouted, running into it and locking the door.

"Well he hasn't grown up." Louis laughed. 

"Nope, don't think he ever will." Zayn agreed.

Niall soon came out, asking Harry if he wanted to go in. Harry nodded, walking in silently.

"What's up with him?" Louis looked over to the bathroom door.

"We don't know, he's been like this for the past few weeks. He's hardly talking."

"So it's not just an off day?"

"More like an off few weeks."

"Has he said anything about why at all?"

"Nope, not a word."

//

"How've you been?" Liam asked Louis, with a mouth full of food.

"Good, Els and I have been really good actually. I think I'm starting to like her. Like, like her." 

"Yes Louis!" Zayn patted him on the back.

"I think this is going to actually go well, I thought we'd just be another fake item like it had started off, but we get on really well."

Harry rolled his eyes, keeping them on his food.

"Harry, how've you been?" Louis made an effort to get him to talk.

"Fine."

"Anything interesting happened?"

"Nope."

"Nothing at all? Come on, there has to be something."

"There's nothing."

"Right...well are you excited to start doing concerts again?"

He shrugged again, causing the boys to glance at eachother.

"Harry mate, what's gotten into you?" Liam shook his head.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"You're literally ignoring us all and you won't talk to us. Have we done something wrong?"

"No. I just...just leave it alright?" He snapped. "I'm going to the toilet." He stood up aggressively, heading to the toilets.

"What the fuck is going on with him? Honestly he cannot be like this on tour."

"I know. He's being such a dick."

"Someone has to talk to him. Like properly."

"I know, he'll ruin the tour." Zayn spoke up.

"I'm going to head back to the bus." Harry stood by the table, grabbing his stuff from the chair.

"Ha-" before Niall could finish his name he had walked out of the door.

//

Harry curled up on the bathroom floor, gripping a razor tightly in his hand. He dragged it across his wrist, splitting the skin open.

Of course Louis fucking liked Eleanor. How would he ever even think about liking Harry? He wasn't even gay. He didn't even like Harry as a friend, obviously. He hadn't talked to him since he left to be with Eleanor. Not one single fucking word. He didn't know how much that hurt Harry, Harry needed him. Things weren't how they should be, nothing felt right. Everything had started to mess with his head a few months ago, the constant overthinking and the constant self hatred were always on his mind.

He knew he was pissing everyone off but he couldn't help it, he didn't want to be fake and act happy. He was pushing them away in order to stop them from knowing how he really felt. They'd all leave eventually anyway, like Louis had.

He eventually dropped the blade to the ground, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes in order to try and stop his sobs.

He threw his head back against the wall, taking a few deep breaths before standing up slowly and washing off the blade and his arm. He put the blade back into his washbag before bandaging up his arm.

The boys soon arrived home, laughing loudly whilst Harry lay on his bed, facing the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

"Where's Harry?" Liam asked groggily, looking around the bus.

"Left early for breakfast." Zayn answered.

"We better go too I suppose."

They all got ready, walking to the nearby restaurant for breakfast. They ordered before walking over to the table where Harry was sat on his own.

"Got interviews today Harry." Liam reminded him.

"Yeah. I know." Harry hated interviews, they hadn't been so bad when he was, well when he was happy, because he could joke around with the rest of the boys, but nowadays he just sat there, answering the same old boring questions.

//

"Um, Caroline?" Harry asked nervously from the side of the room.

"Yeah Harry?"

"Can I have a different top?"

"What's wrong with that one?"

"I just, please." He sighed, "just a long sleeved one." Why the fuck had he done it on his arms? Why not his thighs or something, this would be so hard to hide.

"Alright." She said in a questioning manner. 

"It's cold out." He tried to justify his reason.

"Here you go love, now go and get ready."

"Harry, hurry up!" Liam shouted from the other room.

"I'm just getting changed." He replied. He pulled the new shirt on, opening the door where the rest of the boys were stood impatiently.

"Finally." Niall huffed, "I'm bored."

"Come on then." Louis, Liam and Zayn walked in front of Harry, chatting and laughing happily. Niall, however, hung back, trying to start a conversation.

"So, how come you took so long?"

"I'm sorry alright?" Harry snapped.

"No, I wasn't having a go at you, I was just wondering."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's alright. Anyway how do you feel about Louis being back with us?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Come on, surely you're excited, you know, Larry and all that." Niall tried to make a joke, nudging Harry gently.

"He won't stay for long anyway."

"Come on you know he won't just leave us."

"Of course he will. He's never here anymore, always with Eleanor."

They got to the doors of the interviewing lounge and Harry knew he had to pull it together and stop moping about.

They sat down, Harry sitting as far as possible away from the rest of them. He watched as they all got asked questions, faking a laugh whenever something funny was said.

"So, Harry. What qualities do you look for in a girl?"

"Um, well a good personality, you know, kind, funny, fun to be around. Someone who cares about me, loyal, helpful." He listed. "Yeah, I think that's about it."

"And how've you been at the moment? I bet you're excited to see Louis again."

"Yeah, yeah. I've really missed him, it's nice having him around." Harry avoided eye contact with everyone, focusing on his hands.

As soon as the interview was over Harry walked away from the rest of the group, going into the bathroom. 

Whilst Harry was washing his hands, Louis walked in, smiling at him. "I was thinking we can maybe go somewhere and catch up tonight, how does that sound Haz? I've missed you and I want to just talk."

"Um ok, yeah."

"It was good to see you smile earlier."

Why would he care?

"Sorry. I've just got stuff on my mind at the minute." He admitted.

"You know I'm always here if you need me."

"Mhm."

//

Harry put on a white long sleeved shirt along with a pair of black jeans. Despite knowing Louis would never return his school boy crush, Harry was desperate to look good. He stood in front of the mirror, trying to sort out his mess of hair before giving up and simply running a hand through it.

"Ready?" Louis asked him.

Harry nodded, grabbing his phone and wallet before they left.

"How's the pub?" 

"Sounds good." 

"So," the pair sat down at a table in the corner of the bustling pub, "how are you? Really."

"I'm fine, like I said, I've just got stuff on my mind."

"Like what?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Look, I meant what I said earlier Haz. I know we might've drifted but I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

"Thanks." Harry mumbled, "why didn't you call?"

"I just didn't really have the time I suppose. I'm sorry, I missed you."

Of course, who would ever have the time for Harry?

"Oh. Right. How long are you staying?"

"I don't know, definitely a couple of months. As much as I love being with Eleanor, I've missed being with you all so much. Oh um that reminds me, would it be ok if Eleanor stayed with us sometimes? Not for long, just like a couple of days."

"Where would she sleep?"

"I was thinking one of the boys can share with you and we could have their bunk."

Of course, Louis ditching him again. Harry sighed, mentally telling himself to get over it.

"Yeah. Ok."

"Has something happened whilst I've been with her? You're different. Like a lot different and I can tell it's not just 'stuff on your mind'. I know you might have stuff on your mind but you know."

"I don't know. It's just stupid stuff, I'm just letting it get the better of me."


	3. Chapter 3

Louis lay in bed silently staring at the ceiling as he listened to Harry toss and turn beneath him. He wanted to know what was bothering Harry. There was obviously something going on that was a lot bigger than what Harry was telling him.

He was brought out of his thoughts as he heard a small sniffle below him, another one followed, gradually getting louder. He turned over, watching as Harry stood up, his face glistening with tears in the moonlight that was beaming through the gap in the curtains, and walked into the bathroom.

Louis noticed that the whimpers got louder as Harry hid in the bathroom. What was upsetting him?

//

Over the past week Louis had noticed that this was a recurring pattern for Harry; wait until he thought everyone was asleep, begin to cry, lock himself in the bathroom.

It hurt Louis' heart to see Harry like this. He was usually such a happy person.

"Harry. Are you ok? I heard you crying last night." Louis decided it was time to say something, but left out the fact he'd been hearing it everyday for the past week.

"Um, just allergies." He lied obviously.

"Harry. You don't have any allergies. So why don't you tell me what's really going on?"

"Because I don't want to. Ok? I don't have to talk to you about my life." He slammed the fridge shut, sitting on the sofa.

"I'm sorry Curly. I'm just worried about you."

"Well don't be. Everything's fine."

"Damn what's gotten into him?" Niall whistled loudly as Louis entered the main part of the bus.

"No idea. Other than you know, the anger and stuff are you sure you haven't noticed anything?" Louis pressed.

"Like what?"

"I don't know." He sighed in defeat.

"Has anyone spoken to him about not being a dick on tour?"

"Not yet. Shall I do it now?" Zayn offered. Everyone nodded, watching as he opened the door quietly before shutting it again. "Shit um he's crying shit shit shit."

Louis pushed past Zayn, quickly going into the room. He sat down next to Harry, looking at him sadly.

"I'm sorry." Harry cried, "I'm sorry-"

"What for Haz?" Louis hugged him, talking softly. 

"For messing everything up. I didn't mean to. I-I won't ruin the tour. I-I promise."

Louis sighed, realising Harry must have heard what Liam had said.

"I'm sorry I'm being a dick. I'll be normal on tour, like in the interview."

"Come on. Let's go and do something."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"Come on Harry, they love you."

"No. It's embarrassing. I'm staying here."

"Alright. Do you want me to stay here with you?"

"No."

"Ok, call me if you need me." He nodded.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He heard what you said Liam, about him not being a dick on tour."

"How come he's crying about that?"

"I don't know. He seems scared about ruining it for us. About messing up."

"Oh bless him." 

"I don't understand him at the moment." Niall looked confused.

"I don't think any of us do."

//

Niall's phone bleeped with a message from management, causing him to jump up excitedly.

"We're going to be staying in a hotel for the next few days."

"Oh thank god." Zayn grinned. 

"Bagsy my own room!" Niall shouted.

"Louis do you wanna share with Harry?"

"Yeah, course."

"What's going on?" Harry peered out of the door shyly, brushing his hair out of his face.

"We're staying in a hotel for a few days. You alright sharing with Louis?"

"Mhm yeah."

//

"Ah. Well looks like we're sharing a bed Curly." Louis raised his eyebrows at the singular double bed that sat in the middle of the room.

"Seriously? Is there no other bed anywhere?"

"Not unless it's going to spring out the floor." Louis laughed.

"Yeah sorry. Stupid comment." Harry nodded.

Louis let out another laugh before running and flopping on the bed. "God it feels so nice to have an actual bed."

"Move over." Harry followed, copying Louis's actions.

"God I'm knackered. How about a power nap?"

"Sounds good." Harry mumbled, rolling onto his front and burying his face in the pillow. Louis did the same, staring at Harry through the gap in his arms. 

Suddenly Louis's phone rang, causing the pair to jump up.

"Sorry. Eleanor." Louis held his phone up.

"Hey love. No, no sorry. No we're not, we're at a hotel. No sorry, Harry and I are sharing a room. No, not really, I haven't seen him for a while so it would be good to spend some time with him. I'm going to have a nap now, I'm knackered. See you later, yeah I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

"What was that about?" Harry asked, his voice muffled by his arm.

"She wanted to know if she could stay with us for a bit."

"It's only been a week?" 

"I know, she's a bit, well a bit clingy I suppose. I don't mind though. I just thought it would be nice to spend time with you."

"Really? I-I can share with Niall if you want and you and Eleanor can stay in here."

"No Harry, I want to stay with you. How about that nap ey?"

"Mhm." Harry nuzzled his head back into the pillow, gently inhaling. He soon drifted of to sleep, his pink lips parted slightly.

Louis lay there, staring at Harry. Truth was he wasn't that tired, but he could tell Harry was and he knew Harry would never sleep knowing Louis was going to stay awake.

It soon got dark and Harry was still asleep, as was Louis. They slept there until the next day.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" Louis grinned, pulling the duvet off Harry.

"Ugh Lou." He groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"You must've been knackered you slept for like 17 hours straight."

"Yeah, I haven't been getting much sleep lately." Harry admitted.

"Poor soul." He smiled sympathetically.

"You better get ready, we gotta leave for another interview in am hour."

"I hate these fucking interviews." Harry groaned.

"How come?"

"They always ask the same questions and they don't stop snooping about your personal life."

"That's true. But it is their job."

"I know. I still hate it."


	4. Chapter 4

The interview had gone well, Harry not having to answer many questions as Liam or Louis usually took them. It hadn't lasted long, an hour at the most, which made him happy. He couldn't stand being sat in a room with cameras on him having to answer questions about his life.

"Harryyyy!" Niall ran up to him, jumping on his back.

"Get off Niall." Harry said firmly but urgently.

"Oh come on Harry." He held on tighter, wrapping his arms around Harry's shoulders.

"I said get off!" He shouted, louder than he'd meant to, causing the rest of the boys to look around and Niall to jump off immediately.

Harry snapped his head around desperately, trying to work out what had just happened. Before he knew it his breathing had sped up and he had taken off running down the halls.

He reached his room door, fumbling around for the key card. He finally managed to find it, scanning it and letting himself in. He rushed straight to the toilet, locking the door before collapsing to the floor against the wall. 

With his head in his hands, he sat for a moment, silently willing himself not to do it. But it was too late, he had already dragged the washbag off the side, pulling out the blade and pulling it across his skin. He whimpered as blood started to appear in the cuts he had just made.

"You're such a fuck up." He gripped his hair, banging his head against the wall. "Your such a fucking fuck up! You fucking freak!" He screamed, repetitively banging his head against the wall.

"Harry?" He heard Louis's footsteps and immediately stopped, instead covering his mouth. "Harry what the fuck is going on?"

"Nothing." He replied, obviously choked up.

"Then why did you shout at Niall? Why are you shouting at yourself?"

"You didn't hear what I was saying right?" He panicked.

"No, but I wish I had. Come out of there so I can talk to you properly."

"No, just leave me alone. Go back to Eleanor and spend time with her. It would be much less tiring." His voice was thick.

"Haz. Come on love, let me talk to you."

Harry grabbed a bandage from the first aid kit, wrapping his arm up before pulling his sleeve back down.

He unlocked the door, slowly opening it and looking at Louis through his hair.

"Oh Haz, come here."

"I'm sorry." He whimpered into Louis's shoulder.

"I know you don't want to talk about it and I can tell you're going through something at the moment but please Harry, please talk to someone. You can't keep it all inside."

"I can. It's not even that big of a deal. I'm just stressed I'm sorry."

"It's ok love."

"Everyone hates me don't they?"

"No, not at all. We're just worried about you." Harry immediately knew he had to stop acting like this. He had to pretend to be happy so they'd stop worrying, so they'd stop asking him about his life.

"There's nothing to worry about. Honestly."

"If you say so. Oh, do you want to go out for food or all go to one of the rooms?"

"Can we just stay in the hotel, and go to like Niall's room or something? I don't really want to go out looking like this."

"Course. Do you wanna go over there now?"

"You go ahead. I'll be there in 5." 

Harry stood in front of the mirror, dabbing a cold flannel against his face in order to make him look less red. It was still noticeable that he'd been crying, but significantly less. He changed into joggers and a jumper before following Louis.

"I'm sorry Niall." Harry greeted him with a hug.

"It's fine Curly." Niall took in that Harry's eyes were slightly red and puffy and his nose was flushed, tell tale signs he had been crying not long ago. "Let's sit down and order shall we? Liam and Zayn will be here in a minute."

//

The boys all sat around on the floor, eating whilst laughing and talking about Niall's latest mishaps. Harry joined in, yet his mind was somewhere else. Were the fans going to notice he was always wearing long sleeved tops? He could always wear a lot of bracelets but that was risky. Would they notice his smile was fake? That he wasn't happy? They were a literal bunch of detectives.

"Oi." Niall nudged him.

"What?"

"Are you looking forward to meeting Eleanor? She's going to be staying with us for a few days next week."

"Yeah...yeah of course." 

"I'm glad. I can't wait for you to meet her."

"You'll be staying around with us though right? Like not going off on your own during the day."

"Course I'll stay around with you. I have not spent enough time with you recently."

"Why is she staying with us again?" Zayn questioned.

"Management wants us to, this whole Larry thing is still very out there. The fans can't get enough of us ey Harry." Louis nudged him with a wink. "I mean it's stupid because neither of us are even gay."

Harry laughed awkwardly, however just Louis's confirmation that he wasn't gay upset him. It was obvious he wasn't, he has a girlfriend but he could've been bi, like Harry. Well, Harry didn't know what he was, he had been attracted to girls, but Louis was the only male he'd been attracted to.

"Speaking of Larry, look what I've just been tagged in." Liam showed them his phone screen, a video of 'Larry cute moments' was showing.

"Let's watch it!" Niall laughed, snatching Liam's phone and finding a way to cast it onto the TV. "Might as well get comfortable, it's like 15 minutes long." He flopped onto the bed, Louis and Harry following.

"Aww look, baby Harry!" Louis pointed to the TV.

"Baby Louis is there too you know, it's Larry moments." Harry giggled.

"Awe look at you two with your lovey dovey eyes." Niall pouted, "I can see why people ship you."

"Shut up Niall, not you too!"

"You two are quite cute, Harry did you just kiss his cheek?" 

"Wind it back."

"Oh my god you did!"

Harry shrugged, a small smile on his face. "I suppose I did."


	5. Chapter 5

"El's gonna be here in a minute! We need to tidy up!" Louis rushed around.

"Calm down Lou, she's not going to care that much."

"Yes she is, everyone tidy up!" Louis glanced over to Harry who was sat on his bed, scrolling through his phone. "That includes you Harry!"

"I'm busy." He groaned.

"Doing what? Scrolling through bloody Twitter? Just do it please Harry, for me." He begged.

"Fine." In a huff, he threw his phone on the bed before gathering his stuff and shoving it under his bed. "Tidy enough for Princess Eleanor?" He asked sarcastically.

"Much better. Thank you." Louis patted him on the head, Harry hitting his hand away.

"Is it too early to have a beer?" 

"Harry it's bloody 11 in the morning."

"What time exactly?"

"11:06."

"Great, past 11." Harry swung the fridge open, grabbing a can of beer before Louis snatched it out of his hand.

"No, no drinking whilst Eleanor's here. I want you sober."

"Whoa calm down, I'm not going to make a move on her or anything. I just want a drink. Is that too much to ask?" Harry rolled his eyes.

"Yes. Yes it is, just have some orange juice or something."

"Ah yes, orange juice. My favourite fucking alcoholic beverage."

Niall laughed at Harry as he mocked Louis, earning a glare from Louis.

Harry sighed as he fell back onto the sofa. He really didn't want to meet Eleanor. As selfish as it sounded he wanted Louis all to himself, and Eleanor was just a constant reminder that Harry would never be good enough for him. Not only that, but he also had anxiety, and despite it not being too bad for shows and interviews, it occasionally decided to pop up and make his life even worse. As he sat there, his anxiety was causing all sorts of scenarios to go around and around his head.

"W-what time is she getting here?"

"She should be here any minute now."

"I-is there time for me to just get some fresh air?"

"I expect so. Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm just not feeling too great all of a sudden." That was another problem, Harry hadn't told them about his anxiety. He stood up, making his way around to the back of the bus, closing his eyes and taking feel breaths.

After a minute he heard a car approaching, causing him to snap back to reality and go back into the bus where he could hide behind the others.

"I think I heard a car." Harry told him, going into the bedroom and sitting on his bed.

Louis ran to the door of the bus, standing outside and looking out for the car.

"Lou!" An excited voice was heard before Louis got attacked with a hug. Eleanor stood in front of him, wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing him strongly.

Harry rolled his eyes, looking away.

"Els, this is Liam, Zayn, Niall and Harry." He gestured to each one of them.

They all greeted her, Harry just giving her a tight smile and a "hi." from the bed he was sat on.

"Shall we sit down?" Louis sat on the sofa, Eleanor sitting basically on top of him. Harry sat furthest away from Louis, not wanting to be near the pair whilst they made out.

"When are you going on tour again babe?" 

"6 days time. God that's scary." 

"Jesus Christ. That's so close, I can't wait!" Niall beamed.

"Neither Niall." Liam laughed.

6 days. 6 days until they were going on tour. 6 days until he'd have to fake being happy everywhere he went. 6 days until he'd have to find ways to hide his scars. 6 days. Harry was scared, so scared about the tour. This wasn't like the past ones, this time he had stuff to hide.

"What's up with him?" Eleanor whispered to Louis, nodding her head in Harry's direction.

His jaw was clenched and his eyes glistened, panic on his face. His breathing started to increase and he began to shake.

"Haz?" He didn't respond. "Harry?"

Louis stood up, walking over to Harry slowly and crouching in front of him. 

"Harry. What's wrong?" Louis asked soothingly.

Harry suddenly stopped staring, his eyes snapping to Louis. "N-nothing. Nothing." He took a deep breath. "Sorry. I'm fine."

"Are you sure Harry, you looked pretty shaken up?" Liam frowned.

"I'm fine."

"Ok." Louis sighed, knowing he wouldn't get a better response.

"Sorry." Harry repeated.

"It's alright mate." Liam smiled, patting Harry's leg.

"Anyway, how's Louis being?" Niall smirked at Eleanor.

"He's wonderful. Really sweet and caring. And you wouldn't think it but he's quite romantic." She laughed, Louis blushing.

"Shh, they don't need to know that. I'm going to get bullied now."

"Aww Louis the little romantic." Niall teased making the group laugh.

"Shut up." He groaned. 

"So where am I going to be sleeping?" Eleanor asked.

"Niall's going to be sharing with Harry and we'll be sharing Niall's bunk."

"Bunk beds?" She raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Well it's not like we can fit 5 normal beds in anyway, plus then you'd have to sleep on the floor." Zayn shrugged.

"So who's is who's?" She walked into the bedroom, looking around.

"Mine and Harry's, well Harry and Niall's for these few nights, Liam and Zayn's and ours."

//

"So takeaway, someone cook or restaurant?" Liam asked.

"I'll cook if you want." Harry volunteered. He loved to cook and thought it might take his mind of things.

"Yes! You have got to try Harry's food, it's fucking amazing!" Louis grinned.

"It's not that good, it's just ordinary. Nothing special."

"Oh Harry, you're so humble. Now get on with your bloody magic!"

"Alright alright, what do we want?"

"Spag bol? Your bolognese is so good." Niall suggested.

"Sounds good, is everyone ok with that?" He looked around, seeing everyone agree.

Harry began to cook, throwing on the apron and the chef hat that Louis insisted he wore.


	6. Chapter 6

As Harry cooked, his mind drifted off yet again. Without meaning to, he rested forearm against the boiling pan, he jumped back with a yelp, shaking his arm up and down.

"Shit shit shit shit shit!" He ran over to the tap, turning the cold one on.

"Harry, are you alright?"

"Burnt my fucking arm!" Harry clenched his jaw.

"Let me see a minute." Louis said calmly.

"No! No, I mean no it's alright." Harry snatched his arm away, realising that it was covered in cuts. "I'll go and put some cream on it and bandage it up. Thanks though. Do you think you could turn the stove off for me?"

"Course. Go on, make sure it's ok."

Harry rushed into the bathroom, locking the door before unwrapping the bandage on his wrist, it needed a change anyway. Harry grabbed the antiseptic cream, rubbing it on the burn before putting another bandage on.

"Ow." He whimpered, pain shooting up his arm as he gripped the door handle.

"Do you want me to dish it up?"

"Please. That really fucking hurt."

"I can imagine. Dinner is served!" Louis shouted.

The boys ran up to the table, Eleanor behind them. "This does smell good."

"Courtesy of chef Harry." He beamed.

"Is your arm alright?"

"I was stupid and burned it on the pan."

"Right, sit down everyone. Time for food."

"I'm starving." 

Liam dished it out, sitting next to Eleanor. "Oh my god Harry, this is good."

"God, I've missed your cooking Haz, sorry Els."

"Well I can see why."

"Thank you." He smiled, "I'm glad." 

"You must love it as well, you're wolfing it down." Eleanor pointed out.

Harry didn't feel as if he had been eating it that fast, but he immediately slowed down. He hated it when people made comments on his eating habits, it made him even more self conscious than he already was.

//

"Night lads, night El." Louis switched the light off, getting back into bed.

His bunk was opposite Harry, meaning he could easily see him. He watched as Harry rolled over, staring at the ground and wrapping an arm around his waste. 

Louis kept watching him as everyone else fell asleep, noticing once they had Harry began to whimper.

"Haz?" Louis whispered.

"Y-yeah?" 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. What makes you think there's something wrong?"

"Oh come on Harry. You're literally crying."

"I'm not. I'm fine. My arm just hurts."

"Ok, ok."

//

"Is it ok if Els and I go off on our own for a bit today?" Louis asked.

Harry's head snapped up from his phone. Louis had said he wouldn't do that, that he'd stay around with the boys because he missed them. So much for that.

"Whatever." Harry muttered, standing up and walking into the bedroom.

"Well he's in a good mood." Eleanor raised her eyebrows.

"Sorry about him. Yeah of course, it's fine." Liam apologised. "It's tonight you're leaving right?"

"Yeah. Unfortunately."

"Well have a good day today then."

"Thank you."

//

"You said you wouldn't leave us." Harry said quietly as Louis walked into the bedroom after saying goodbye to Eleanor.

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"Harry I didn't mean to. I just, she wanted us to go somewhere on our own so I said yes."

"Of course you did."

"Look I'll make it up to you."

"K."

"Harryyy, don't be mad at me." Louis pouted, wrapping his arms around Harry.

"Get off me!" Harry growled, shoving him off.

"What the fuck?"

"Just fucking leave me alone, I'm tired of people being like this!"

"Like what?"

"Fucking pricks!"

"God. You've changed Harry. You've really changed and not for the better." Louis spat, storming out of the room.

As he walked over to the boys they heard a thud as Harry punched the wall. 

"I'm going to check on him." Liam stood up.

"Don't bother." Louis grumbled. "He's being a dick."

Harry walked into the bathroom, sliding down the wall and putting his head in his hands. Why did he always mess everything up? He grabbed his hair, yanking at it as he threw his head back against the wall. He fumbled with the bathroom cabinet before finally opening it and grabbing his washbag. He took out a blade before chucking the bag back under the sink.

Without a second thought he brought it to his wrist. He sat there for what was half an hour or so but seemed like a few seconds before someone knocked on the door.

"Hurry up, I'm about to piss myself!" Niall knocked again.

Harry quickly rinsed of the blade and his arm, pocketing the blade before pulling his sleeve down. 

He put his head down before unlocking the door and walking straight to the front of the bus. 

"Where are you going?" Zayn frowned.

"Outside." Harry pushed open the door, going around to the side of the bus and sitting on the ground. He took his phone out of his pocket before going onto Twitter. He knew he shouldn't but when he was feeling like this all he wanted to do was make himself feel worse.

'1D would be so much better off without Harry. He's so ugly and annoying ugh. Oh and not to mention he looks like a whale' 

'what a gross faggot' another tweet read, a picture of Harry attached.

'omg Harry Styles is so fucking annoying. He's so full of himself.' 

'put on a bit of weight there haven't ya mate? Well, more like a lot of weight. You need to cut down on the food.'

A tear slipped down his face as he read the tweets, they were all true. The band would be so much better off without him. The world would be better off without him. He looked down at his tummy which, when he looked at it, was a lot bigger than he had thought. Harry decided it would be best if he did lose weight, at least he wouldn't spoil the band's image quite so much.

"Harry?" Zayn popped his head out of the door, looking around for Harry.

"What?" Harry mumbled in response, quickly wiping away his tears.

"Pizza will be here in a minute."

"I'm not that hungry."

"Oh. Well, are you going to come in anyway?"

"No. I'm staying out here for a bit."

"Alright." Zayn walked back into the bus, flopping onto the sofa. "He's not coming in."

"Good, I can't he arsed with his attitude at the moment." Louis sighed, looking out the window at Harry who was sat against the edge of the bus with his head in his hands.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut as he pressed down on one of his healing cuts, inhaling sharply as it reopened. He did this multiple times before slipping the bandage back over the cuts.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry soon drifted off as he watched the sunset, waking once it was dark. He checked the time only to see it was a little after midnight. Nice to know nobody had come to check on him. Of course they hadn't, they didn't care about him and he was a complete and utter dick.

He stood up slowly, making his way inside the bus and grabbing pyjamas before tiptoeing into the bathroom. He washed his face and got changed before getting into bed.

"I'm sorry Lou." Harry mumbled. "I didn't mean it.

"Then why did you say it?" Harry jumped, he wasn't expecting a reply, nor was he expecting Louis to hear it.

"I-I...I'm just scared."

"Of what?"

"I don't know, you leaving me."

"Haz, you know I won't leave you."

"Mhm. I-I am sorry."

"It's alright. Night."

"Night."

//

"Breakfast?" Louis offered as Harry walked into the room, rubbing his eyes.

"I'll have some in a bit. Thanks though."

"Harry what time did you come in last night?"

"I don't know, half 12?"

"What were you doing out there for all that time?"

"I fell asleep."

"How? Weren't you cold?"

"Dunno."

"Oh." Liam frowned.

"Tour tomorrow!" Niall burst into the room.

"I'm so excited!" Louis beamed.

"I-I'm going to have a shower." Harry's head started spinning at the thought of going back on tour. "I can't do this." He whispered to himself. "I can't fucking do this."

"Louis! L-Lou!" Harry called, collapsing onto the bedroom floor.

"Haz? Harry are you alright?" Louis rushed in.

"C-can't breathe. H-h-help."

"Ok, ok. Um, deep breaths. Breathe in for 4, hold it for 7 and out for 8. And repeat. That's it, and again."

"Louis, is everything alright?" Liam peered through the door.

Louis shook his head, motioning to Liam to leave them alone.

"There we go." Louis wrapped his arms around Harry, holding his head to his chest. "Are you alright?"

He shook his head, leaning against Louis. "What's all this about love?"

"I-I have anxiety." He muttered, knowing there was no way to escape from this.

"What?"

"I-I've had it for ages, b-but it's never been this bad."

"Oh Harry, how come you didn't tell me?"

"It's not that big of a deal and-and I didn't want anyone to worry. And it's stupid and embarrassing."

"It's not, you can't help it. What was this about?"

"Tour, I'm scared. Like really scared."

"There's nothing to worry about Haz. It'll be fine."

"You're right. Sorry, I'm being stupid."

"No you're not."

"Thank you for helping me."

"It's fine, go have a shower and we'll just chill out today yeah?"

"Yeah." Harry picked up his clothes and slowly stood up. "Um, Lou?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you please not tell anyone else about my anxiety? Please."

"Hazza, don't you think it's quite important to tell them? What if you have a panic attack before a show?"

"I-I don't know." Harry bowed his head.

"I think we need to tell them."

"Can you? I don't want to, it's embarrassing."

"It's not embarrassing at all Harry. Would you like me to tell them whilst you're in the shower?"

Harry nodded, "please."

"Alright."

Louis left the bedroom as Harry walked into the bathroom.

"Is Harry alright?" Liam turned to Louis, obvious worry on his face.

"Well, he just had a panic attack about tour."

"Wait why? Is he ok? He's still coming on tour right?" Niall asked quickly.

"He, well, he has anxiety. And yeah, he's still coming on tour. I don't know, he didn't say much about why he was scared about it but yeah, poor thing."

"How long has he known about his anxiety?"

"He said he's had it for a while but he was too embarrassed to tell us. So when he comes out, please don't make a big deal out of it."

"Awe, I feel so bad for him. Especially keeping it to himself."

"Yeah me too, I also don't think we should bring up the tour too much today? Harry and I are going to just have a chill day today, you lot gonna join?"

"Yeah, sure."

Harry entered the room, sitting next to Louis and pulling a blanket to his chin.

"Are you alright Harry?" Niall smiled softly at him.

"Yeah I guess. I'm sorry." Harry nodded slightly.

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

"Sorry."

"Harry." Zayn laughed.

"What do you fancy watching eh?" Louis asked.

"Lion King?" He suggested, looking around at everyone.

"Yes, I love that film!" Niall grinned.

They started playing the film, Harry trying his best to concentrate but his focus always going back to his hands. Without meaning to he began to pick at his fingers. Louis soon noticed and took his hand to prevent him from picking at it any more. Harry immediately relaxed as Louis's warm hand enveloped Harry's cold one, rubbing his thumb over the back of it.

"Relax Haz." He whispered.

"I'm trying."

//

The film soon finished and the boys stood up, Liam and Niall beginning to get lunch.

"Louis?" Harry walked up to him. "Do-do you have a cigarette?"

"Harry. You don't smoke."

"I-I know but I can't relax."

"I'm not giving you a cigarette."

"Why not?"

"Because you might get addicted, and I'm not going to let you do that."

"Fine. I'll just ask Zayn."

"Harry, don't. There's easier ways to relax."

"Well nothing's fucking working and it hasn't for years! I'm fed up of feeling stressed about everything."

"I can't let you get addicted, I'm sorry."

"Fucking hell." He muttered, "Zayn it is." Harry walked back into the kitchen. "Zayn, can I have a word please."

"Yeah sure."

"Can I have a cigarette?"

"You don't smoke?"

"I do now."

"Har-"

"Please stop with the questions. J-just, do you have one?"

"Here." He passed him a cigarette, "do you need a lighter?"

"Please."

"This is a one off mind, I'm not letting you get addicted."

"Why don't you or Lou understand that I'm not a fucking child anymore? I can make my own decisions."

"Alright sorry, we just want what's best for you." Zayn tossed him the lighter.

"Thanks." Harry muttered taking the cigarette walking around the side of the bus. 

He placed the cigarette between his lips, bringing the lighter towards him. He curled his hand around, protecting the flame from the light wind as he lit the cigarette, inhaling deeply. As soon as he had inhaled he began to cough.

"Look, as much as I hate that you're doing this, if you're going to do it you may as well do it properly." Louis sighed as he watched Harry splutter everywhere. "Take a lighter drag, you inhaled far too deeply. And when you have that in your mouth, breath in through your nose, the air will dilute it."

Harry tried again, still coughing slightly, but not so much.

"This doesn't look right." Louis gestured to Harry who had the cigarette between his fingers. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I've already told you."

"This isn't going to help Harry. You know all the side effects and it's going to make you feel a whole lot worse."

"Look who's talking. You smoke all the time."

"And that's what I don't want you doing."

"Just because I'm the youngest it doesn't mean you all have to try and parent me. I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

"Fine." Louis held his hands up in defence, "fine. Make your own decisions, we're just trying to help."

"I don't need your help. I can manage on my own." That was a lie, of course he couldn't manage on his own, his form of managing was to cut himself.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry sat there smoking for a while as Louis silently watched him before he stood up, putting the cigarette out and walking inside.

"What?" Harry sighed as everyone stared at him.

"I thought you said you would never smoke?" Niall raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, so did Louis. Look, please can you all stop judging me for my life choices."

"Alright, sorry." 

//

"How am I going to do this?" Harry paced up and down the bus as Louis sat on the sofa.

"You'll be ok, everything will be alright."

"Lou but what if I mess up? What if I sing the wrong lyrics or fall over again?"

"Who cares Harry? They're there to see us, not just our music. You've fallen plenty of times before and nothings happened, everything's been fine. And if you sing the wrong lyrics, it doesn't matter. Just laugh it off and they'll laugh along."

"Mhm, mhm. Ok."

//

"Here. Go and put this on." Caroline passed him a bundle of clothes, Harry letting out a deep sigh of relief as he saw that the top was long sleeved. 

Harry quickly changed before Louis entered his dressing room.

"Are you ok?"

"I don't know, I'm just nervous, like really nervous."

"It'll be alright, yeah? I can already hear the fans, they're excited."

"They won't be once I step out."

"Harry, they adore you. Everything will be fine."

"Ok, l-let's go."

Louis hugged him before they left the dressing room, meeting the others on the way out.

"You ready?" 

"Absolutely." Liam grinned, "let's go."

Harry inhaled deeply, plastering a smile on his face before following them out, waving to the crowd.

The fans cheered, Harry's fake smile being replaced by a real one as he looked around. 

After talking to them for a bit, they began to sing. Harry was actually enjoying himself, that as until he spot a sign.

'Harry's a fucking fag' Harry's face dropped and his voice faltered as he read the sign. Louis followed his gaze before shooting him a sympathetic look and taking over Harry's part.

Liam tossed him a bottle of water in order to give him an excuse. Harry shot him a half smile before opening the bottle and pouring a bit into his mouth.

He took a few seconds to recover before beginning to sing again, his voice wavering slightly.

//

As soon as the concert finished Harry ran off stage into his dressing room, bringing his knees up to his chest.

"Harry I'm sorry, that sign was cruel." Louis sat next to him, putting his hand on his shoulder.

"I told you they didn't like me."

"It was just one person."

"It's not though. There's hundreds of them on twitter."

"You know you shouldn't ever look at the hate on there."

"Why not? If they're going to be saying anything I want to know what it is."

"But it doesn't help to know."

"No, I-I know. But sometimes I need to know."

"Please stop looking at it, it's going to make your mental health bad, it'll make you insecure."

Harry almost laughed at this. If only Louis knew.

"Whatever."

"Let's go to the hotel yeah?"

"Yeah." Harry mumbled. "Lou?"

"Haz."

"I don't want to do any more shows. I-I'm too scared and after tonight I don't know... I don't want to be there if nobody wants me there."

"We all want you there, and so do all the fans. They're obviously not fans if they don't want you there." Louis took Harry's hand. "Don't worry about it ok?"

Harry gave a slight nod before beginning to walk again, not letting go of Louis's comforting hand.

"Can we go straight to sleep?"

"If you want to."

"Yes please." Harry and Louis were once again sharing a hotel room, Harry not being overly comfortable with anyone else. As much as he loved them all, he was scared to be around them on his own.

Harry jumped as a flash went off nearby, he immediately scanned for the source of light, gripping Louis's hand tighter.

"Lou? What was that?" He whispered.

"I swear to god if it's the fucking paparazzi. Oi, who's there?"

Within seconds they were surrounded by flashes, causing Harry to panic, Louis not so much, he was just frustrated.

"Harry! Harry, over here! Is it true you're a faggot? Are you and Louis dating?"

"We all saw the way you two were holding hands!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Louis roared, "leave him alone. Can't you see he's not in the mood for this? Get out of our way or I'll call the police." He threatened.

They retreated, a few swear words being thrown at them before Louis, grabbed Harry's hand again, dragging him around the corner.

"Haz, are you ok?" He scanned his eyes under the street lamp.

"I-I..." Harry gulped before nodding his head quickly. "Let's just get back to the hotel."

//

"No, for god's sake Eleanor! Harry and I are NOT dating! Yes...yes I know we were holding hands but he hadn't had a good night, I was comforting him like any sane person would. Yes, of course I'm close to him, he's my best mate but it doesn't mean I'm gay and we're dating!"

Harry stared at Louis through the gap in his arms. Sighing a little as he listened to Louis's words. Of course 'any sane person would', Louis would've held anyone's hand if they were in the same situation, not just Harry's.

"Look Els, I've got to go...ok bye, I'll talk to you soon." He hung up the phone before turning back to the bed, "oh, morning." He smiled.

"Morning. Have you already been in the shower?"

"Yeah I have, you can go in now if you want."

Harry nodded, sitting up and rubbing his eyes as he yawned. He grabbed his clothes from his bag before going into the bathroom. He silently willed himself not to as he grabbed his blade before slipping into the shower. He hadn't cut last night when he had had the urge, so now was the opportunity.

He brought it to his wrist before dragging it across. He winced as the hot water got into the fresh cuts but soon enough he was accustomed to the feeling.


	9. Chapter 9

"I'm ready to go wherever we're going." Harry walked out of the bathroom, rubbing his wrist gently.

"We're going to breakfast down in the hotel restaurant."

"Oh do we have to?" Harry groaned.

"Are you not hungry?"

"No, not at all sorry. You can go of course, and I'll come but I'm not eating anything."

"Let's go then." Louis smiled, skipping out of the door.

They spotted the other three already sat at a table and headed over to them. "Do you want to order?"

"Go ahead, I'm not getting anything." Harry told them.

"You feeling alright mate?"

"I'm just not hungry."

"Oh, fair enough."

//

The next few shows were fine, Harry enjoyed them as much as he possibly could. That was until he spot another sign. This one much worse.

Harry made his way over to Louis whilst Liam sung his part. Harry motioned to Louis to put his mic down as he bit his quivering lip.

"There's another sign."

"Fucking hell. Are you alright?"

"I-I..."

Louis patted Harry's arm, motioning to the cameraman to keep the camera off Harry.

"You still ok to do your part?"

"Y-yeah I'll be fine."

Harry began to sing, his voice catching in his throat as the tears refilled in his eyes. Louis caught on, beginning to sing Harry's part as Harry pretended to have a drink, hiding his face.

"I-I'm gonna go off stage a minute." Harry mumbled to Niall.

"Are you alright mate?"

Harry nodded before rushing off side.

Louis shot a worried look at him, scanning the crowd for the sign. He soon spotted it, his face falling.

'why hasn't Harry killed himself yet?' Louis backed up to the other three, pointing out the sign to them.

Niall stood forward, beginning to sing his part as the others frowned.

"Should we say something."

"Oh course I'm going to fucking say something. They're fucking sick."

"After this song though? And Louis please don't get too you know..."

"I'm going to be giving them a piece of my fucking mind."

"Um, can we please have some quiet in here, Louis has something important to say."

"Right, not to sound like a teacher or anything but I have something important to address. You, in the 4th row I think, yeah you with the sign. What the hell is wrong with you!?"

The crowd began to stir, turning around to look at who Louis was talking to, a murmur rippling across the arena.

"How do you think it's ok to say something like that? We all get hate, it's expected, but Harry's getting far too much and to bring it to a show is so fucking low. You don't know what's fucking going on in someone's mind when they're on their own so please just think before you do anything. It's not hard to just think. Harry is probably the kindest person I've ever met and everyone who knows him knows that he'd never do something to intentionally hurt someone. He doesn't deserve any hate whatsoever so please, leave him alone."

"He fucking deserves it the ugly fag!" They shouted back, Louis clenching his jaw.

"Get her out. Now. I don't want her ruining the show anymore than she has." He growled. "I'm sorry everyone for this, and I really apologize if we've messed up the show. We're going to have a quick five minute break if that's alright and then we'll keep going and make up for the time."

"I'll stay out here and talk to them yeah? Or sing or something?" Zayn offered.

"Thank you."

"We'll stay out here as well, Harry will probably prefer it if it's just you." Liam said.

"Alright, I'll go and check on him." Louis turned his mic off, putting it down before rushing off to the side.

"Harry? Where are you?"

Louis heard a small whimper in response and followed the sound.

"Harry, love. Come here." Louis hugged him tightly as he sobbed.

"I'm sorry for ruining the show."

"You didn't ruin the show at all, that girl did. We've had her escorted out Haz."

"Everyone's going to make fun of me for going off stage, that was so stupid."

"Calm down, it's ok. They're worried about you, yeah, but they don't think you're stupid."

"Ok." He mumbled, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "Can I splash my face with cold water so it doesn't look like I've been crying?"

"Of course, and please ignore that sign. I know you wouldn't do something like that anyway, but still."

"Like what?"

"Kill yourself."

"Oh."

//

"Um, sorry everyone. I'm fine, I just needed a bit of a breather. Um, lets just continue." He half smiled.

Liam shot him a thumbs up with a questioning look, Harry returning the thumbs up.

They finished the show, thanking their fans before heading offstage.

"Are you alright mate? That sign was fucked up." Liam frowned.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

"You still up for going out for food?"

"Um I'm going to go back to the hotel if you don't mind, you still go though."

"Are you sure? We don't have to stay long."

"No it's fine, I'm tired anyway so I'll just go back."

"Alright, call us if you need anything."

Harry nodded, saying goodbye to everyone before heading back to the hotel.

As soon as he got into the room he broke down in tears. It was so hard to hide his unhappiness from everyone all the time. 

As soon as he had seen that sign he had almost burst into tears and for the rest of the night he had desperately craved his blade. He locked himself in the bathroom, grabbing his blade before yet again sliding it across his wrist.

All he wanted right now was a hug from someone who cared, he wanted them to tell him everything would be alright, but no-one would because Harry refused to let anyone know how he truly felt.

"You...stupid...fucking...idiot..." He growled through gritted teeth, bringing the blade across his wrist harder and harder between each word.

Once he had stopped slashing at his arm he slowly stood up, rinsing off both his arm and his blade, wrapping a bandage around his arm before looking into the mirror.

He winced at the sight in front of him, his eyes were red and puffy and there were purple bags under his eyes. His skin was pale and his lips were cracked. He looked like a monster.

He dragged himself out of the bathroom, changing into pyjamas before curling up in bed. He grabbed one of the spare pillows, hugging it tightly and burying his face in it.

Within minutes Harry had drifted off to sleep. When Louis arrived back to the room he couldn't help but to admire Harry who looked adorable, but sad. His lips were parted slightly and his face was red as if he'd been crying. He had the majority of his face buried in the pillow, his hands gently gripping it.

Louis quickly showered before getting changed and sliding into the bed next to Harry.


	10. Chapter 10

"Ugh they really need to get us rooms with two single beds!" Liam burst into their room. "Niall doesn't stay still! And he takes up like the whole bed."

"Shh." Louis put a finger on his lip, motioning to Harry who was still fast asleep, not having moved from the position he fell asleep in.

"Bless him, he looks tired." 

"I know. He was fast asleep when I got in last night."

"I feel so bad for him. Like that's the second sign already this tour."

"He doesn't deserve it at all. I swear to god if there's one more sign or anything like that I'll flip. I don't want to ruin the show for the fans but this can't keep happening." Louis sighed.

"I don't blame you, shall we wake him up?"

"What time is it?"

"I don't know, like 10?"

"Yeah I'll wake him. Let's just have breakfast in our rooms. I don't think he's up to going to have it properly."

"Ok, I'll see you in a bit then."

Louis sat on the edge of the bed, poking Harry gently. "Haz? Wake up. Harryyy." He prodded him again. "Come on sleeping beauty." He shook him gently.

Harry groaned, burying his head further into the pillow.

"Are you awake?"

"Mhm. What time is it?"

"Just gone 10. We're just going to have breakfast in here."

"Oh ok. Uh I'm sorry, I-I was taking up a lot of the bed."

"It's fine, I wasn't squashed or anything."

"Ok good. I'll have a shower."

"What do you want me to order for breakfast?"

"Coco pops? Maybe just fruit? You choose something but nothing too big."

"Alright."

Despite not wanting to eat anything, Harry had to, he wasn't used to not eating and it was beginning to take its toll.

Harry stepped into the shower, wincing at the number of cuts that littered his forearm. "Shit." There were far more than he intended. He let his arm adjust to the water before beginning to wash himself.

//

Harry stepped out of the bathroom, giving a small smile to Louis who was lying on the bed, phone in his hand.

"Yeah, yeah. Well Harry's out the shower now so I'm going to go and eat breakfast. Yeah, bye. Talk to you soon."

"Who was that?" Harry sat at the end of the bed.

"Eleanor. She misses me."

"Do you miss her?"

"I'm not going to lie, not as much as I thought I would. I obviously miss her but just not that much."

"Do you love her?"

"I don't think so. Not yet anyway, but who knows about the future." He shrugged.

"Oh. She's not staying with us again is she?" Harry asked, he knew it sounded rude as soon as it came out of his mouth, but he needed to know. 

"Not that I know of, why? You don't seem to like her."

"I...doesn't matter."

"No, tell me."

"I don't know. It's just my anxiety and it's so selfish but I kinda just want you to be there so I can talk to you or whatever if I need to. And I'm just not comfortable around new people. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. That's fair enough, I completely understand where you're coming from."

"Can we eat?" Harry was desperate to avoid any more conversations like this.

"Of course. I just got you fruit salad stuff if that's ok?"

"Yeah, thank you." Harry pushed the fruit around the bowl with a fork before stabbing it and slowly bringing it up to his lips.

Despite the taste being wonderful, he immediately felt sick. He forced himself to swallow the fruit, trying to drown out his conscience telling him to stop.

"Is it nice?"

Harry looked over to Louis who had already eaten a pancake. "Yeah, it's lovely."

"It doesn't look like you like it, you're eating extremely slowly."

"Sorry, I do, I just feel sick."

"You don't have to eat it."

"No, I will. I'm fine." He insisted.

//

"Harry, clothes!" Caroline called, passing him a pile of clothes.

"Oh shit. Shit shit shit." He winced as he looked at the short sleeved t-shirt. He placed them down on the sofa in his dressing room before heading back to the clothes room. "Um Caroline, where are my bracelets and wristbands?"

"Over there." She pointed to a bag in the corner.

"Thanks." He grabbed them, slipping them up both his arms. He headed back to his dressing room, changing into the clothes before looking in the mirror. Could people see his scars? Were they obvious? He pulled a jumper on before going into the hair and makeup room.

"Harryyyy!" Niall beamed at him in the mirror.

"Hi Niall."

"For the last time, keep your head still." Lou held his head firmly.

"Sorry." He groaned.

"Uh, Lou, where's the makeup?"

"Over there, why?"

"Doesn't matter. Thank you." Harry found the foundation and concealer with his name on it and headed back to his dressing room. "I'll bring these back in a minute."

He sat down, pulling his wristbands off before beginning to apply the concealer and foundation to the cuts that had healed over. Once he was finished he looked at his arm properly again. You could still see them, but only if you looked. He put the wristbands back on and jogged back to Lou. "Here."

"Well it's your turn anyway." She smiled, "sit down."

Harry smirked as he watched Louis creep up behind them with his finger to his lips. Suddenly he lunged forward, ruffling Harry's hair.

"Louis!" Lou scolded, smacking his hand.

"You're just mad cause I'm the better Lou. Right Harry?"

"I mean, Lou does do pretty good hair."

"Oh shove off." Louis stuck his tongue out at Harry.

Harry pouted at him in return.

"You two are adorable." Lou laughed.

"Why thank you." Louis bowed.

"It honestly wouldn't surprise me if you were secretly dating."

Harry's cheeks grew red and he turned away in order to hide it.

"We are, aren't we Haz?" He winked, nudging Harry.

"Of course we are."

"Right, out." She shooed him away, locking him out of the room. "Spill."

"Huh?"

"You like him."

"W-what? No I don't. I'm not gay I-"

"Come on Harry, I can tell."

"Please don't tell anyone." He murmured. "Don't even hint anything and you can't tell anyone but I-I think I'm bi."

Lou smiled, leaning over his shoulder and hugging him. "I won't. I promise. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you."

"So, Louis eh?"

"It's nothing. It's just a stupid little crush. He's got Eleanor and he's straight."

"How do you know?"

"I don't know, I just-"

"Assumed?"

"Yeah. Kinda."

"Like he's assumed you're straight?"

"Yeah."


	11. Chapter 11

"Is it my turn yet?" Louis peered through the door.

"Patience Louis."

"I'm boreddd." He whined.

"Oh come in then. Sit over there and don't be annoying."

"I'm an angel."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you are."

"I am, aren't I Harry? I swear."

"Absolutely."

"Harry look at me." She tilted his head, dusting a powder onto his face.

"Can I stay in here?" Harry asked as she finished his makeup.

"Same rules apply, don't be annoying."

"Ok...I don't want to go on stage." He admitted quietly.

"Why not? Is it because of the signs?" Louis shot him a worried glance.

"Um kind of. Yeah it is."

"What signs?" Lou asked.

"Um, there's been some horrible signs aimed at Harry."

"Saying what?"

"One was calling him a fag or something and the other told him to kill himself."

"Oh Harry you poor soul. You don't deserve that. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." He mumbled. "It just hurts that people are bringing them to shows."

"I can imagine."

"Haz it will be fine. How about get security to check all the signs and stuff yeah? And anyone with a sign like that can't come in."

"Ok. Yeah."

//

Harry checked his wrists again, making sure no cuts could be seen before running on stage after the rest of the boys. He ran up to the edge of the stage, singing into the mic. He broke out into a grin as the fans screamed out to him. "We love you Harry!"

"I love you too. Thank you." He mouthed back.

//

"There weren't any signs and they said they loved me." Harry beamed at Louis.

"See Haz. They love you, it's just a few stupid dicks."

"That hasn't happened since last tour."

Louis smiled, giving Harry a hug. As much as Louis was happy that Harry was happy, it was sad that this hadn't happened since last tour.

//

"We've got a signing tomorrow." Liam announced, walking into the tour bus.

"Shit." Harry muttered.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I just, we haven't done a meet and greet for ages and it gets a bit overwhelming and I don't want an anxiety attack."

"If it's gets too much just let one of us know, yeah? You can have a break."

"Ok. Thank you." Harry nodded, "I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Actually, me too." Louis agreed. "I'm knackered."

Harry gathered his stuff, going into the bathroom. He quickly washed and got changed before unlocking the door.

"Oh 'm sorry." Harry muttered quickly, turning around. Louis was in the middle of getting changed when he walked in.

"Doesn't matter." Louis shrugged, "nothing you haven't seen before."

"Can I come in?"

"Course. Just don't stare at me." Louis winked.

"Wasn't planning on it." Harry laughed, sitting down on his bed. "When are we going to be going north east?"

"I don't know, why?"

"I want to see my mum." He admitted. "I miss her and I need to talk to her."

"Do you want me to ask Liam?"

"Yes please."

Louis disappeared out of the room for a second before coming back. "He said next week he thinks. Is there anything you want to talk to me about in the mean time?"

"I don't think so, sorry. It's just the sort of stuff I need my mum's advice on."

"Alright. Night mate."

"Night." Louis turned of the light before climbing into his bed. 

//

Harry rummaged through his suitcase, eventually finding a pair of skinny jeans and a long sleeved shirt.

"You can't wear that Harry! It's boiling out." 

"I'll be fine. I can't be arsed to change now anyway."

"Your funeral." Liam shrugged.

//

"Bloody hell." Harry looked out from behind the wall, the fans screaming at a glimpse of him. "There's hundreds of them."

"Are you ok to go out?" Liam asked.

"Yeah, yeah I think it'll be ok. But can I go in the middle of you lot when we're walking out?"

"Sure, let's go." He nodded.

Harry smiled and waved at the fans as they screamed, inhaling deeply before he sat down at the table.

It was all going smoothly until one fan came up to them. As she stood in front of Harry she gave him a small, pitiful smile. "Are you ok? Like properly ok?"

"I-I'm ok, yeah." He stuttered. "Are you, love?"

"I'm fine. I'm just worried about you. Why are you wearing long sleeved in this heat?"

"I like the top." He glanced over at the others to make sure they weren't listening in.

"Look, it'll be ok. I know what you're doing."

"W-what?"

"I know you're cutting yourself Harry." She muttered, "I used to do it too. It'll get better."

"Y-you won't tell anyone right?"

"No, no of course not. I promise."

"Thank you." She leaned in, giving him a hug before moving on.

"What was that all about?"

"She was just saying how she liked the album." Harry answered, distracted. If she knew, how many others knew?

"Oh, right." Zayn raised an eyebrow.

"Oi." Louis kicked him under the table, "do you need a break?"

"No, no I'm fine. Sorry."

"It's alright, you're just very quiet all of a sudden. Nobody's said anything to you have they?"

"No, they've all been really nice."

//

"Harry, where are you?" Louis called in a sing song voice. 

"Out here!" Harry replied, he was say around the side of the van, smoking a cigarette. Ever since that fan had admitted she knew he was cutting, he was even more paranoid and stressed.

"Oh fuck offff." He groaned, "why are you smoking again?"

"Louis. Please don't."

"Where did you even get that?"

"Shop. I got Paul to get them for me."

"And he agreed to that?"

"Well what do you think, I have them don't I? He didn't want to but he couldn't exactly say no. Anyway, did you have something to tell me?"

"Oh yeah, management are coming. They have something to talk to us about."

"What time? And did they say anything about what they want to talk to us about?"

"I think they're gonna be here in like half and hour and no they didn't say anything."

"Oh."


	12. Chapter 12

"Right boys. Sit down. I want you all to listen, even though this is really only aimed at Harry."

Harry's heart started to race, what if they knew about his cutting?

"Larry rumours still haven't died down. Eleanor's not doing the trick. So Harry, we've got you a girlfriend."

"What? No, I don't want a girlfriend, let alone a fake one." Harry frowned.

"Well you've got one. I'll go and get her."

"She's here? Oh for fucks sake. You could've said something."

"We have, and now she's here."

Harry bit his lip, digging his nails into his palms. This was the last thing he needed.

"Meet Grace." A girl with tan skin, brown eyes and curly light brown hair walked in. Harry had to admit she was pretty, but she gave of a bad vibe.

"Hey." She smiled, chewing on her gum loudly. "I'm Grace Knight."

"Um hi. Harry." Harry held his hand out which she immediately took. Her ring clad hand was warm against his cold one.

The rest of the boys introduced themselves before she sat down next to Harry.

"So, since it's your day off tomorrow Harry, you and Grace are going to spend the day together."

"Ok. Um, what time?"

"12, meet for lunch at the café around the corner."

Harry nodded. 

"Well, it was nice to meet you, I'll see you tomorrow." Grace stood up again. What was the point in sitting down?

"Yeah, yeah nice to meet you."

As soon as they'd left and the door shut Harry sighed, falling onto the sofa. "What the fuck?" 

"It's not that bad Harry, she's pretty and she seems very nice."

"I don't want a fucking girlfriend. I've got other things to think about."

"It will be fine, it's not like you have to marry her or anything."

"I'm so pissed off."

"Calm down Harry."

"I'm going for a walk." He grabbed his earphones, putting them in. He'd been on a lot of walks recently, so he'd found a place nearby that was quiet. No fans, no passerbys. Just Harry, his thoughts and the nature.

As he walked along he kicked at the stones in his path. He didn't know why, but this hurt. He'd have to spend time with her, and pretend he liked her.

As he got to the secluded area he sat down on the grass cross legged. He took out another cigarette, putting it between his lips and lighting it. Louis was wrong, smoking did help his stress. It wasn't fair, Harry wasn't doing well as it was, but a girlfriend just added to his anxiety. He had to lie to basically everyone, he had to pretend to love her. He had to spend time with her when he should be with the boys. He knew he was growing distant from them, but he didn't want to make it worse. This was just another person to hide his secrets from.

Harry lay back on the grass, staring up at the sky as it gradually grew dark. Once it was dark he walked back to the bus.

"You've been gone ages." Niall commented.

"I needed fresh air."

"Harry, do you think you're maybe being a bit dramatic?" Zayn asked.

"What?" Harry asked in disbelief, "you wouldn't understand." He shook his head angrily, storming into the bedroom.

"Zayn, why would you say that to him?" Liam groaned.

"We were all thinking it. And he is, it's not like they're actually properly together."

"Yeah but we don't know what he's thinking half the time now. It's probably something more that's bothering him." Louis piped up.

"I guess."

//

"I don't want to go." Harry groaned as Louis pushed him into the bedroom. 

"Tough. We need to pick some clothes."

"Move, I'll just wear a white shirt and black jeans or something."

"Let me sort your hair out."

"Why are you acting like it's such a big deal?"

"You're going on a date Harry."

"For the last time, it's not a fucking date."

"Whatever you say."

Harry was soon ready for his so-called 'date' and walked nervously to the café. He sat down at a table, biting his lip and staring down.

"Hi." Her voice rang out.

"Hi." He murmured as she sat down.

"Have you ordered?"

"No, I'm not hungry. I'm just going to get a drink."

"Oh, right."

"What do you want? I'll go up and order it."

"I'll just have a salad and caramel mocha." 

Harry ordered before sitting back at the table.

"So, since we're dating now, tell me about yourself." Grace said.

"Um just to let you know, this isn't actually going to work, I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but I didn't want this to happen."

"Yeah well I'm only here for the money." She glared.

"Ok. Good." Harry nodded uncomfortably. "Um I assume you know about me anyway so tell me a bit about you."

"You know my name, Grace Elizabeth Knight. I'm 21, I'm from London. I have a younger sister called Alice. My favourite colour is pink and I'm a model."

"Cool." Harry nodded again.

"Well tell me about yourself then. All I know is you're a singer in One Direction."

"My name's Harry Edward Styles. Um I have a sister, Gemma. My favourite colours are orange and blue and my favourite animal is turtles."

"Well you're interesting." She mumbled sarcastically. Harry frowned slightly. "Let's go back to my hotel room." She sighed, standing up. Harry followed as the strutted out of the door.

"You can sit on the bed." She instructed. "I want to get something straight, I don't like you, just as a person. So unless there are cameras on us I don't want you to speak with your annoying voice and I don't want to spend time with me unless you have to or unless I need something."

"Excuse me?" Harry was confused, what was going on?

"Oh shut up, I can't stand your voice. Oh and if we're going to be together you need to lose weight."

"I'm working on that." Harry looked down, nodding slightly.

"Good. If we have to stay together you're doing any of the work."

"But-"

She cut him off, "no buts. You're doing it. What should we do now? We have to hang out for the rest of the day." As soon as Harry opened his mouth she cut him off again, "we're going shopping."


	13. Chapter 13

"Come on." She grabbed her handbag, swinging it over her shoulder. "How much money do you have on you?"

"Um, only 20 quid."

"Oh you piece of shit. Do you have your card?"

He shook his head.

"Fuckin' hell." She muttered. "You owe me a shopping trip, I'm going to have to pay for myself now."

"Sorry." He mumbled in response.

"You better be. When we're there you're going to have to hold my hand. There will be a lot of people taking pictures."

"Ok. Yeah." God, he already hated her.

//

They walked through the shopping centre hand in hand, Grace occasionally leaning back and whispering words of insult in his ear before giggling as if he'd said something hilarious.

"Oh my god, it's Harry Styles!" He heard someone whisper excitedly behind him. He turned around, giving them a smile.

"Hi."

"Oh my god! Can we get a picture with you?" The young girl squealed.

"Yeah, of course love." He leaned down, smiling as she took a picture.

"Sorry to seem rude but who's this?" 

"Hm? Oh, this is Grace. My girlfriend." He muttered, still smiling slightly.

"Girlfriend? Since when?"

"Uh, yesterday actually. She's a friend of a friend and we kinda just clicked." He lied.

"Oh, that's cool. I'm happy for you. Um, we better go, thank you for stopping and taking pictures with us."

"Anytime love." He smiled.

As soon as they left he turned to her. "Um, I'm gonna go back to the tour bus."

"No you're not."

"Liam needs me. I promised I'd be back by 5 and it's quarter to."

"Fine, go." She leaned in and kissed his lips. "Wouldn't want your rushing off ruining our reputation, would we?"

"Thank you." He walked quickly out of the shopping centre, sighing with relief.

As he opened the door, everyone turned around to look at him and he was quickly bombarded with questions. He huffed, pushing past them and flopping onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow.

"Was it really that bad?" Liam sat on the end of Harry's bed.

"Fuck off." He grunted.

"Did something go wrong?"

"She's a self-entitled bitch."

"What did she do?"

Harry ignored his question. "I don't want to have a fake girlfriend, and I don't want it to be her."

"We can talk to management about it?"

"They don't give a shit. Plus, we already bumped into fans at the shopping centre and I told them she was my girlfriend as of yesterday. If we 'broke up' it would be suspicious."

"Stay with her maybe a few months then say something to management."

"Yeah." He mumbled.

//

The next few days were spent hanging out with Grace whenever Harry had free time. He had learned to keep his mouth shut around her as all she did was complain and make hurtful comments otherwise. The more time he spent with her, the more he sunk into his shell. He was already in it enough as it was, but she made him even more insecure, about things he hadn't even noticed as well.

He came into the bus on the verge of tears after another day with Grace, confused when all the boys were smiling at him.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" He mumbled.

"Nope, someone's here to see you." Anne stepped out from the bedroom. 

Harry gasped, running over to her and hugging her tightly. "Mumma." He whispered into her shoulder as he tried not to cry. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too darling, how about we go into your bedroom and have a talk yeah?" She pulled away, looking him in the eyes. "Oh sweetheart, what's wrong?" All it took was that comment to make Harry begin to sob. "Come on. Let's have a chat and you can tell me what's bothering that pretty little head of yours." She led him into the bedroom, sitting him down on the bed. "What's up?"

"Everything." He buried his head in her shoulder again as he sobbed loudly.

"And what's everything?"

"I'm so stressed and my anxiety is really bad and they diagnosed me with depression." He lowered his voice as the tears streamed down his face. "It's not fair." Harry had always been close with his mum and he felt able to tell her almost anything.

"Oh my baby boy." She murmured into his hair, holding him close. "It's ok. Do the boys know?"

"They only know I have anxiety."

"I think you should talk to them." 

Harry shook his head. "No. I can't. I can't."

"Ok, I'm not going to force you to."

//

After Harry had calmed down they talked for a while before he nervously asked his mum a question.

"Would you still love me if I was gay?" He played with the hem of his t-shirt.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I would. You know I'll support you no matter what." She said softly.

"Mum, I'm gay, or bi. I don't know but I'm not straight."

"I love you." She reassured him, pulling him in for a hug again. "Remember if you need to talk to me I'm only one call away."

"Thank you."

"So, this girlfriend of yours ey?"

"I don't actually like her. She's a girl management are forcing me to date because of all the Larry rumours."

"I thought that was what Eleanor was for?"

"It is. But there are still rumours so they've made me have a fake girlfriend."

"Do you like anyone then?" She nudged him with a smile.

"Yeah."

"Well tell me then."

Harry blushed deeply, "promise you won't make a big deal. Or tell anyone."

"I promise."

"I like Louis." He bit his lip, fiddling with his hands.

"You do? Tell him!" 

"Mum, shut up!"

"Sorry Haz, but why haven't you told him?"

"I wonder why." He huffed, "maybe because he's straight and has a girlfriend and he'd never like me in a million years."

"Isn't Eleanor a fake girlfriend?"

"Yeah but he likes her."

Harry looked up as someone knocked on the door. "Sorry to interrupt, are you staying for dinner?" Liam popped his head through the door.

"If that's alright love." She smiled warmly.

"Of course. Are you alright Harry?"

Harry nodded with a small smile.

"Are you staying here tonight?"

"I can't Harry, but you'll come and see me in a few days won't you?"

"Of course. We've got this week off again so I'll come and see you and maybe stay with you for a night."

"That would be lovely."


	14. Chapter 14

Harry pushed his food around his plate as his mum talked with the boys, he listened in to their conversation, contributing every now and then.

"Why aren't you eating?" Louis raised an eyebrow at Harry.

"I'm just not hungry. Sorry."

"Harry." Anne frowned. Harry looked up at her. 

"Yeah?"

"Eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Harry if you don't eat something yourself I'll shove it down your throat." She threatened.

"Alright sorry." He stabbed a chip with his fork before putting it into his mouth. "Better?" He swallowed it, a sick feeling rising in his stomach.

"And more."

"Mum." He groaned. "This is embarrassing."

"Eat it and I'll shut up."

"Fine."

//

"I'll see you in a few days." Harry hugged his mum tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too darling. Remember I'm only one call away if you need to talk to me."

Harry nodded.

"Bye boys. I'll see you soon maybe?"

"Yeah of course. Bye Mrs Twist."

"For the last time Louis, call me Anne."

"Bye Anne." Louis laughed. 

//

"I'm going to have a shower." Harry walked into the bathroom. Ever since he had been forced to eat by his mum he had felt sick. He needed to throw it up.

He turned the shower on, kneeling in front of the toilet and sticking two fingers down his throat. 

He slumped back against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. Once the wave of nausea had passed he stood up, stripping down before climbing into the shower.

As he began to wash himself he looked down at his stomach. Despite not eating, it was still fat. He closed his eyes again, begging himself to ignore the urge he had. Without even thinking, he had grabbed his washbag of the side, taking the blade from it.

He bit his lip, slowly bringing it across his wrist. "Fucking hell, get a grip." He muttered to himself, rinsing the blood off, wincing at the sting.

"Harry hurry up! I need to piss!" Niall pounded on the door.

"Uh-ok hold on." He wrapped his arm up before pulling on a jumper and joggers. "Sorry." He offered a half smile as he stepped out of the bathroom.

"Nope, there is no way you're going to win." Louis said confidently as Liam argued with him. They were playing FIFA whilst Zayn, Niall and Harry watched.

"Holy shit!" Niall jumped as Harry's phone rang out loudly.

"Sorry, it's Gem." He told them before answering, "hey Gem."

"Harry are you alright!? Mum told me about-"

"Gem shut up, you're on speaker. Hold on." Harry raised his voice nervously to cut her off. He stood up and walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. "Right, go on."

The boys frowned at that, was Harry alright? What was he hiding from them?

"No, yeah I'm fine. Honestly, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me...I know I'm your little brother but-no of course I haven't. Because it's fucking pathetic."

"What's he going on about?" Liam looked concerned.

"I don't know, do you think he's ok?" Louis bit his lip.

"I'm sure it's nothing." Zayn mumbled.

"Ok, ok I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. Thank you. I love you too Gem, bye." Harry ended the call with his sister, stepping back into the main area. "Um, why are you all staring at me?"

"What are you hiding from us?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. What was Gemma about to say when you cut her off? Why was she asking if you're alright?"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it, she's overreacting."

"If it's nothing why don't you tell us." Liam raised his eyebrows.

"Fuck sake. I don't want to talk about it, ok?" Harry snapped, "if I wanted to talk about it I would have."

"You're alright though, aren't you Haz?" Louis asked apprehensively.

"Uh, I-uh. Yeah I'm fine. Alright? It's honestly nothing serious."

"Alright, ok. I'm sorry for prying."

"It's fine." Harry huffed, sitting back on the sofa. "I'm just not comfortable talking about it that's all."

"It's ok mate, we understand." Niall put a hand on his shoulder. Harry smiled back but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

//

Today hadn't been a good day at all, all day Harry had wanted to cry, his anxiety levels were incredibly high and his self loathing was painful.

"What time is it?" He mumbled.

"Uhh, 9:30? Yeah, 9:30."

"I think I'm going to go on a walk."

"On your own? Not being funny but it's getting dark out." Liam pointed out.

"I think I can manage it thank you dad." Harry retorted in a sarcastic tone. "I want to see the sunset anyway."

"Alright, alright sorry."

"When's Lou getting back?"

"Not til tomorrow, he's staying with Eleanor for the night."

As selfish as it was, Harry needed Louis on that day and the fact he wasn't there just made Harry feel 100 times worse.

Harry grabbed his pack of cigarettes along with his lighter and his phone, shoving them in his joggers pocket before heading out of the door. He pulled his hood up, waiting until he was on the secluded path he had grown to know so well before lighting a cigarette. He inhaled before exhaling with a sob, surprising himself.

He quickened his pace as the tears kept spilling, wanting to reach the clearing so he could sit down. 

He walked around the corner, letting out another sob before quickly inhaling the cigarette to stop it. He paused as a two figures stopped their make out session, looking up at him.

"Haz?" One of them said, Harry immediately recognised the voice as Louis's.

"H-hi." His voice cracked, "what are you doing here?"

"Els showed me this place. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. Sorry I'll go." He turned around, beginning to walk away.

"Hold on." He whispered to Eleanor. "Harry, come and sit down."

"No, I don't want to interrupt you, it's fine I can find somewhere else."

"Harry Edward Styles, sit your arse down right now." Harry timidly sat on the grass, taking another drag from his cigarette. "Tell me what's got you so upset."

"I don't know." He mumbled so that Eleanor couldn't hear. "My anxiety is really bad but that's not all but I don't know. I'm just not having a good day."

"Come 'ere." Louis pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry for interrupting." He apologised again.

"It doesn't matter Harry. Ok? It just matters that you're alright."

"I'll go and find somewhere else. Thank you."

"It's ok, you can stay here, we were just gonna go back to the hotel anyway. Are you alright on your own?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you tomorrow then, and call me if you need anything." Harry nodded, knowing full well he wouldn't want to disturb Louis. "And don't stay out to late, it's getting dark."

"Yes dad." He groaned, what was it with people telling him not to stay out too late today?

"And quit smoking!"

He shook his head, waving goodbye as the couple walked off hand in hand.


	15. Chapter 15

"Harryyyy, where are you?" Louis strolled into the bus.

"He's still in bed mate, he didn't get back in until like 3 this morning." Liam told him.

"3!? Bloody hell. I told him to go back before it gets too dark."

"You saw him yesterday?"

"Yeah, Els and I were sat in a little clearing and he came by sobbing."

"He what? Why was he upset?"

"I don't know, he said he didn't know either, but his anxiety was bad yesterday."

"Oh god I didn't know." 

"No, I don't think he wanted anyone to know. I'm going to go and see him." Louis walked into the bedroom. "Alright Haz?" Louis whispered, stroking his hair back from his forehead.

"Mmm." Harry groaned, his eyes fluttering open. 

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Kinda, it's ok though."

"Are you feeling better today?"

"I don't know, I only just woke up." He gave a small chuckle.

"True. Liam told me you didn't get in until 3, what were you doing?"

"I don't know, I was crying and thinking and then I lost track of time."

"Oh Haz. I shouldn't have left you there, you were visibly upset."

"No don't worry, I wanted to be alone."

"Do you want me to leave you to sleep?"

"No it's ok, I'll get up now." Harry lifted the duvet off him before rolling out of bed.

"God you look awful." Zayn commented as he walked over to his bed.

"Cheers." Harry rubbed his eyes. "My mum and Gemma are going to be at our concert tomorrow." He said randomly with a smile.

"Yesss!" Liam called, "Anne is fit!"

"Liam! She's my mum!"

"And? She's hot."

"Oh shut up."

"He's not lying though mate." Niall grinned cheekily.

"She's also like double your age. And married."

"So, what are you planning on doing on the break?" Before they travelled around Europe they were scheduled to have a two week break.

"We're just gonna hang out, aren't we Harry? Eleanor might stay with us for a couple of days."

"She might? Oh. I thought this was time off?"

"It is, but I want her to stay with us. I think I might ask her to be my actual girlfriend." Harry's heart dropped.

"Really?" Niall asked, "management are gonna have a field day."

"I know." Louis laughed.

"Fuck." Harry murmured, gripping the closest bed to him.

"Are you ok?"

Harry squinted, squeezing his eyes shut to try and get rid of the black dots which clouded his vision.

"Yeah, yeah." He shook his head as the dots slowly floated away. "Sorry, I just went dizzy."

"Do you need to sit down?"

"No I think I'm ok."

"Sit." Louis instructed.

"No, Lou I'm fine. It's passed." Harry insisted.

"I don't care, stay there and I'll get you some water and then you can have a shower."

"Ok, thanks." Harry rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly at Niall.

"Here ya go." Harry took the water, sipping it slowly. 

"Thank you Louis, now if you don't mind I'm going to have a shower." Harry joked.

"Off you pop then." 

//

"I don't feel good." Harry whimpered as soon as they'd made their way offstage.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel really cold and-" he doubled over, throwing up.

"Oh god, we shouldn't have let you perform after this morning." Liam groaned.

"It was just a dizzy spell this morning, that's normal." Harry whispered.

"Let's get you back to the bus Haz. Zayn, can you get a bucket or something?"

"Yeah sure."

"Can you walk or do we need to carry you?"

"I can walk." He mumbled, taking slow steps forwards.

"Right, come on, I'm carrying you." Louis said as he wobbled.

"But Lou I'm far too heavy. And no offence but you're small."

"Oh give me a break, I'm big." Louis huffed. "And I can definitely carry you." Harry was scooped up in one swift motion as Louis carried him towards the bus. "And Harry there's no way you can say you're heavy again. You're bloody light as a feather."

"It's cause I just threw up." He groaned.

Louis chose to ignore this comment as he stepped inside the bus, placing Harry on the sofa.

"Bucket!" Harry spluttered, reaching out.

"Oh Haz, what are we going to do with you, ey? How about you and I watch a film, yeah?" Louis rested his hand against Harry's forehead. "God you feel hot." He frowned.

"I'm cold." Harry argued.

"I think you have a fever. Liam!"

"Louis!" Liam shouted back as he entered the room.

"Do you think Harry has a fever?"

"Get the thermometer from the bathroom." Louis ran off, quickly returning.

He watched as Liam pressed it against Harry's forehead. "Yep, you definitely have a fever Harry." He attempted to snatch the blanket that Harry had somehow acquired from him, however Harry just gripped it tighter.

"M cold."

"You're burning up."

Louis sat down next to him, pulling the blanket from his grip and handing it to Liam. "Maybe take your top off as well." Louis tugged at the hem of it.

"No, no way." Harry shook his head frantically.

"Why not? We never get to see those abs of yours anymore." Louis joked, poking Harry's tummy.

Harry just shrugged, shrinking further into the sofa.

"Can we watch Legally Blonde?" He gave a small pleading look.

"Ugh fine, seeing as you're sick."

"Why don't you just accept that you love it? Who doesn't love Legally Blonde?"

"Ugh not that shit again." Zayn groaned as he walked out.

Harry glared at him before grabbing the bucket again and throwing up.

"Let's get your hair out the way, hmm?" Louis rubbed soothing circles on Harry's back. "Who has a hairband?" 

"There's a scrunchie on the bathroom side." Niall offered.

"'s mine." 

"Can you bring it here please Ni?"

"Sure mate."

Louis gathered Harry's short curls into a small man bun, playing with his roots as he did so.

"Do you want to cuddle?"

"You'll get sick." 

"I don't care, I just want to look after you."

Harry nodded shyly, he and Louis hadn't cuddled together in ages, ever since he had started 'dating' Eleanor.

As the film went on, Harry gave up on attempting to keep his eyes open, and soon enough he was asleep, clinging to Louis.

Louis didn't have the heart to wake Harry and move him to his bed, so he instead settled on falling asleep where he was.


	16. Chapter 16

"Morning Haz, how are you feeling?" Louis smiled at Harry as his eyes fluttered open.

"Like shit."

"Well the good thing is that your fever has gone down. Do you still feel like you're gonna throw up?"

"Don't think so but my head hurts."

"Luckily for you we're going home today."

"Really? Oh thank god. Um I'll get showered and changed and stuff and then can we get taken home?"

"Yeah, think so."

Harry pushed himself up, closing his eyes as he waited for the black dots to disappear.

"Are you still dizzy?"

Harry nodded.

"Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?" 

"I think I'm ok."

//

Louis entered their apartment, twirling around before flopping onto their sofa with a sigh of contentment.

"God it feels so good to be back. So, I was thinking I'd cook something tonight, what do you want?"

"You? Cook?" Harry joked.

"Oi piss off. I'm a brilliant cook. Anyway answer the question."

"I still don't feel too good so I'm not really hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Um, you know how you said Eleanor is staying with us for a few days, when is she staying here?"

"3 days time, she's going to be staying for 4 days I think."

"Oh, alright." Harry sighed.

//

"Els!" Louis jumped up, opening the door and hugging her.

"Hey Lou." She hugged him back. "I've missed you."

Harry frowned, it had only been a week or so.

"I've missed you too, come in."

Harry stood up from the sofa, muttering a "hi." She ignored him, instead sitting down. "Um, I'll go upstairs." Yet again, he got no reply.

With a sigh he walked up the stairs, laying on his bed. She'd only just arrived and he felt miserable.

As he lay down on his bed, his thoughts drifted to bad ones. He began to think about all the things he wanted to change about himself.

His mind wondered to his weight and he soon remembered that he had scales in his bathroom. On the bus, they hadn't had them so he hadn't weighed himself on a while. He stepped on, biting his lip as he dared to look down. 62kg. That was far too heavy. He had to try harder to lose weight.

He quickly put the scales away before staring at himself in the mirror. His tummy was too big and his skin was pale. He had dark circles under his eyes. His stupid green eyes, why couldn't he have something more normal? Brown eyes perhaps. He ran a hand through his curls, anger bubbling up inside him as his hand got caught on a knot.

"Fuck!" He yelled, punching the wall, it wasn't loud enough to be heard by the couple downstairs, but to Harry it felt like he had gotten the attention of the whole world. He covered his mouth, slipping down the wall as tears trailed down his red cheeks.

Once his sobs had died down he opened the cupboard door, pulling out a little black bag which contained his blades.

He bit his raw lip as he dragged it across his wrist, blood spilling out.

"You stupid ugly fat pathetic dick." He muttered at himself. "Why can't you just be fucking normal?"

And that was where Harry stayed for the rest of the day, curled up on the floor, mumbling insults to himself. When he finally cleaned his arm up and walked into his bedroom, he was surprised to see that the sun was setting.

He threw a hoodie back on, pulling it up around his face before trudging down the stairs. Louis and Eleanor was sat cuddled up on the sofa, watching the Titanic. A wave of jealousy ran over Harry, he loved the Titanic and he'd love it even more if he was watching it with Louis. 

He walked past them, into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He chugged it down, desperate to get rid of the tear induced headache.

"Are you ok?" Louis looked at him as he turned to walk back upstairs.

"'m fine."

"Harry, what's wrong?" He paused the film.

"Louis, he said he's fine, play the movie!"

"Alright sorry. Do you want to join?"

"No thanks." He muttered, walking back up to his room.

He turned his light to red, perching on his bed near the open window, grabbing his cigarettes and a lighter.

He placed it between his lips, lighting it up and inhaling. After 3 cigarettes he shoved the packet back into a drawer.

"Come in." Harry said in a gravelly voice.

"Fucking hell Harry it stinks of cigs in here."

"Sorry."

"You should've gone onto the balcony."

"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"I want you to tell me what's wrong."

"I don't want to tell you what's wrong." He crossed his arms, sitting against the wall.

"Oh come on Harry, I want to help you."

"I said I don't want to tell you, just go back to Eleanor and leave me alone." Harry snapped. Despite saying that, all he wanted was for Louis to stay here and hug him and tell him everything would be alright.

"Alright, be like that." Louis stood up, putting his hands up in defence.

"Just fuck off." He growled, "please" he added in a softer tone.

Louis left the room, shutting the door aggressively.

"Fucks sake!" Harry banged his head against the wall, tugging at his hair.

Harry needed to talk to someone so he called his mum.

"Hi mum."

"Harry! Lovely to speak to you, how are you?"

Harry remained silent, not knowing how to answer.

"Harry darling, are you alright?"

"Yes mum, I'm fine. I just need a distraction."

"Is your depression being a bitch?"

"How come you're allowed to swear but I'm not?"

"Because I'm older than you. You're my baby boy."

"Yeah, it is being a bitch. Can you we talk about something to take my mind off of things?"

"Course we can sweetie, how about we talk about Gemma behind her back?"

"How is she? I spoke to her the other week but only briefly."

"She's good. She's got a boyfriend, very nice bloke. His name's Jack."

"When did that happen?"

"A month or two ago. They met in a coffee shop just likes Gems always wanted. She's such a romantic."

"Awe I'm happy for her. Maybe I can meet them soon? But after next week I'm going around Europe."

"You should call or message her tomorrow and see if she can see you for a day. I'm going to come and see you before you leave."

"Ok, I will."

"How's it going with Louis?"

"It's not. She's here."

"Who? Eleanor?"

"Yeah, he's planning on asking her to be his actual girlfriend whilst she's here. And I might have told him to fuck off earlier when he was asking what's wrong."

"Oh baby. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. It happens."

//

"Thank you for talking to me mum. I'm going to try and sleep now. I love you, bye."

"Bye Harry darling. Remember to call me if you need to. I love you."

Harry waited for his mum to hang up before he got changed, curling up in his bed. Because he had his own room here, he could wear short sleeved tops without anyone seeing his scars.

His talk with his mum had eased his mind a bit so he drifted off without much effort.


	17. Chapter 17

"Lou?" Harry mumbled as he entered the kitchen.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for snapping at you last night."

"It's fine, you were upset and I tried to push you into telling me when you obviously didn't want to. It was my fault, don't worry about it."

"Thank you." He whispered. "I called my mum last night. She said she's going to come over on one of our last days here. And Gem and her boyfriend might come over at some point."

"Oh my god I haven't seen Gemma in ages. Since when has she had a boyfriend?"

"A month or two ago apparently. His name is Josh or Jack or something. I can't remember."

"God Harry, you can't even remember your own sister's boyfriend's name." Louis joked.

"I know, I'm a shit brother. In my defence I was a bit distracted."

"You're not a shit brother, I was only messing around." Louis frowned at Harry's serious tone.

"Doesn't make it any less true. Anyway let's talk about something else."

"Well, I'm planning on asking her tonight."

"Oh, really? Um I'll stay over at Niall's then."

"You don't have to do that."

"No it's fine, I'll stay out of the way."

Harry pulled out his phone, texting Niall.

'can I stay at yours tonight?'

'yeah course, why? Is everything alright?'

'louis's asking Eleanor to be his girlfriend tonight and I wanna give them space.'

'fair enough, see you tonight'

"Niall said I can stay at his."

"Are you finally leaving us alone?" Eleanor grinned, hugging Louis from behind.

"Huh?"

"Well you're always hanging around here and it's getting kinda annoyed. I mean, don't you have a life or anything?"

"It's my apartment." Harry muttered, looking down at the ground.

"And?"

"We're on a break, I don't want to be doing stuff."

"Well you could at least go out and just, I don't know, sit somewhere."

"Els, it's his house too. It's not like he's bothering us." Louis stood up for Harry.

"He bothers me."

"Sorry." Harry apologised.

"Don't apologise, it's not like you've done anything wrong." Louis frowned.

"Lou, what the fuck? Why are you sticking up for that," she looked him up and down in disgust, "freak."

"You're being unfair."

"Well sorry I don't want his boring arse around us 24/7."

"Harry, don't listen to her."

"I'm going to go upstairs and get clothes for tonight." He made his way upstairs, wincing as he heard them argue. As much as he hates Eleanor and Eleanor being with Louis, he didn't want anyone to be the reason for Louis's upset.

"Fuck." He groaned, digging his nails into the palms of his hands, "fuck!" He slid down against the wall, covering his ears. He hated arguing, when he was younger, before his parents got a divorce, they would spend all of their time arguing. Harry would spend all of his time in his room or at a friend's house, scared to walk into one of their many arguments.

"Please stop." He murmured, despite knowing they wouldn't hear him as they were downstairs. "I'm really sorry."

"Harry." Louis gasped, running over to the boy who was curled up, rocking back and forth as he held his hands tight against his ears. "Harry it's alright."

"Please stop arguing." He whimpered.

"I'm sorry, it's ok. She's downstairs. I'm sorry for what she said, she didn't mean it."

"I don't like arguing." He fumbled to give an excuse for the state Louis had found him in. "My mum and dad used to argue a lot before they got a divorce and he would get violent."

"Oh Haz, I didn't mean to frighten you. I just didn't want her speaking about you like that."

"It's fine, it's not like she's lying anyway."

"Harry she didn't mean it, alright? She was just in a bad mood."

"Whatever." He sighed.

"Do you want to come back downstairs?"

"No, 'm gonna get clothes and stuff for tonight."

"Alright. Again, I'm sorry."

"It's ok, it doesn't matter." Harry pulled himself up from the floor, perching on the edge of his bed as he opened his drawers. 

"You know you can stay here tonight, right?"

"I don't want to get in the way. Plus, Niall's picking me up soon."

"Ok. Well I'll leave you to it." 

"Wait, Louis?" 

"Harry?"

"Can we maybe get a dog after tour?"

"That was random. But of course, if you want one."

"Thank you. I've always wanted a dog." Harry smiled shyly.

Louis returned the smile as he walked out of the room.

Harry grabbed his clothes out along with a toothbrush, stuffing them in his bag. He quickly checked the time, surprised to see that Niall would be picking him up in half an hour.

//

"Um Niall is here." Harry mumbled to Louis, who was, unsurprisingly, cuddled up to Eleanor on the sofa.

"Bye, see you tomorrow." Louis sent him a smile over his shoulder.

"See you tomorrow."

"Harold!" Niall grinned as Harry slid into the passenger seat.

"Hey Nialler. Thank you for letting me stay at yours tonight."

"No worries. It'll be nice."

Harry hummed in agreement, staring out the window.

"Oi, Harry, I asked you a question." Niall nudged him, amused.

"Oh, sorry, can you repeat please?"

"I was asking what you wanted for tea."

"Oh um I don't know."

"What's up with you then, ey?"

"What?"

"What's up? You've been staring out of the window almost the whole time. You look deep in thought."

"Louis's asking her to be his girlfriend today."

"I know, but why are you upset?" Niall frowned.

"Doesn't matter."

"Talk to me Harry, you know I'm not gonna judge ya."

"I just don't like Eleanor. She's a bitch." This was only part of the reason, but Niall didn't need to know that.

"Really? We all thought she was lovely."

"She called me boring and a freak today." He said, almost too quietly for Niall to hear.

"You're joking. Was Louis there?"

"Yeah, he defended me and then they started arguing. But she said she was sorry to Louis and they were cuddling on the sofa when I left."

"But she didn't apologise to you?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't think she meant it when she said it to Louis."

"God she is a bitch. Have you told Louis how you feel about her?"

"No, he's happy with her and I don't want to ruin that."

"You have such a kind heart Harry."

"I just don't want to upset him."


	18. Chapter 18

"What d'ya want to eat then?"

"I'm not hungry."

"How are you not hungry? I only ate 10 minutes ago and I'm starving."

"I'm just not." Harry shrugged.

"Well you have to have something."

"No, I'm fine. You can just get something for yourself."

"If you say so." 

//

"God, it's so nice to have a break. I mean, I love being on tour but I don't know."

"I don't want to go back on tour." Harry admitted. "I'm scared."

"What's scaring you?"

"Everything. The crowds, signs, messing up. And I miss home."

"You know we can stop the signs. And I'm sure you won't mess up, and even if you do it won't matter. We all make fools of ourselves on stage, it's all part of our shows."

Harry shrugged, "I just wish we had a bit more time off."

"It's ok, the European tour isn't too long. Only like 4 weeks."

"I guess. I'm sorry to be a bore but is it ok if I go to bed? I'm knackered."

"That's fine, you know where the spare bedroom is, don't you?"

"Yeah, thank you."

"Night, have a good sleep."

"Night, you too."

Harry sat on the bed, pulling his phone out.

'Hey Lou, how did it go? x'

Harry sat, waiting for a response. After 10 minutes he gave up, switching his phone off with a sigh and curling up under the covers.

//

Niall awoke with a start, screams ringing through his ears. He immediately jumped up, rushing into Harry's room.

Harry was in his bed, thrashing around violently as screams and groans left his mouth.

"Harry, Harry!" Niall crouched down next to him, holding him still. "Harry, wake up!"

Harry's eyes shot open, pure panic within them. "W-w-Lou? Lou!?" 

"It's me, Niall. Shhh, you're safe. It's alright, I'm here and you're safe."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-"

"Harry, it's ok, don't worry. You're ok." Niall held him tight against him as he shook.

"C-can you turn the l-light on p-p-please."

"Ok, hold on." Niall reached over to the bedside table, flicking the switch.

"I'm sorry-"

"Hey, that's enough of that. Do you want to talk about it?"

Harry pursed his lips, shaking his head. "No. No, please don't make me."

"It's ok, I won't."

"W-where's Lou?"

"He's at home, you're staying at mine tonight, remember."

"B-but-"

"Would you like me to call him?"

"Y-yes please. Niall is...is my mum ok?"

"She's fine H, would you like me to call her after?"

"Yeah, no, I don't...I don't know." He started sobbing as Niall grabbed his phone, calling Louis.

"Niall what the fuck? It's 2 in the morning." Louis answered in a groggy tone.

"It's Harry, he's had a nightmare and he wanted to talk to you. He kept asking where you were."

"Oh god ok, can you pass me to him please?"

"Yeah, course." Niall held the phone out to Harry, "it's Louis."

"Harry, Haz, calm down, it's ok, it was only a dream."

"Louis-" he sobbed out, clutching the phone tightly.

"Look it's ok, I'm on my way over. I'll see you in 10 minutes, is that ok love?"

"Mhm." 

"Alright, I'm going to hang up now. Try to calm down for me, yeah?"

//

"Lou..." Harry sniffed, opening his arms as Louis rushed into the room.

"Haz, it's ok." Louis hugged him tightly, playing with his curls.

"Is-is my mum alright?" He knows it's a stupid question, of course Louis wouldn't know, but he feels the need to ask anyway.

"I haven't spoken to her, but I'm sure she's fine. Do you want to give her a call?"

"I...yeah..."

"Ok, I'll call her for you. Niall, you can go back to bed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, positive. Go get your beauty sleep Nialler."

Louis handed the phone to Harry, Harry letting out a sigh of relief as she answered.

"Mummy?"

"Harry darling, what's wrong?" She asked, sounding panicked.

"I-I had a nightmare and...and dad hurt you really badly and I needed to know if you were ok." He whimpered.

"Oh darling, I'm alright, I'm fine. And your dad isn't even in this country, remember? He's not going to hurt us again, it's alright baby."

"Ok." Harry sighed in relief. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"Don't be sorry sweetie, it's absolutely fine. Try and go back to sleep. I love you lots, and remember he won't be able to hurt us again."

"I love you too, bye." He waited for his mum to hang up before handing the phone back to Louis and bringing his knees to his chest.

"Harry, do you think me and Els provoked this? With our arguing earlier."

"I don't know." He mumbled, "maybe."

"Did your dad use to hurt you?" Louis asked carefully, watching as Harry tensed up. 

"I-he...he didn't really hurt me physically that much, only if I-I annoyed him or got in his way or something...but he hurt my mum."

"Oh Haz, I'm sorry. Did he hurt you mentally? Like did he say horrible stuff to you?"

"Yeah." He nodded, biting his lip. 

"Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?"

"I don't want you to have to stay here because of me. The reason I'm here is to give you time with Eleanor."

"But what do you want?"

"I want you to stay here." He mumbled, looking down into his lap.

"Then I will. Budge up." Louis climbed into the bed next to Harry, his hoodie revealing his neck in the process.

"I take it she said yes then." Harry observed the purple marks trailing down Louis's neck.

"Of course, who can resist the Tommo?" Louis winked.

"Um Lou, not being funny but you stink of sex. Please say you've had a shower."

"Maybe?" Louis winced.

"Oh god, please go and have a shower."

"But Harryyy, it's 2 in the morning!"

"I don't care, just a quick one, I just don't want to be smelling sex."

"In my defence I didn't know I'd have to get up in the middle of the night, I assuming I could have a shower the next morning." He laughed.

"Oh, sorry. You can go back home if you want, you know?"

"No I'm staying here. Right, try and sleep and I'll go and have a quick shower."


	19. Chapter 19

"God Harry, you scared me. I thought you were going to try and sleep." Louis placed a hand over his heart as Harry sat on the edge of the bed, staring into space.

"I can't. 'm scared."

"Right, scooch over." Louis slipped under the covers, as did Harry.

"What if he comes back and hurts my mum again?"

"He won't Harry. It'll be ok."

"I'm being so fucking pathetic." Harry groaned, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

"No you're not. You're absolutely not." Louis pulled him close, hugging him.

"I am, it happened ages ago."

"It doesn't mean you're not still going to be scared. Look, I promise you, you are NOT being pathetic."

Harry remained silent as Louis stroked his hair. Soon enough, he drifted off to sleep, his head on Louis's chest.

//

"Breakfast is-oh..." Niall walked into the room, breakfast in his arms, but paused when he saw the pair laying in bed, cuddled close together.

He rushed back to the kitchen, placing it on the side and grabbing his phone. He stood in the doorway, snapping a picture of them with a grin on his face.

"Niall? What are you doing?" Louis sat up groggily. 

"Nothing, nothing. Breakfast is ready."

"Cheers." Louis wriggled out of Harry's grip. 

"So, how was last night? You and Eleanor together now?"

"Yeah, we are actually." Louis smiled.

"Well I'm happy for ya mate. But Harry seemed a bit upset yesterday and he admitted that Eleanor called him a freak and boring."

"She didn't mean it, she was in a bad mood."

"But what did Harry even do?"

"Nothing, she just snapped."

"Please make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't know what's going on with him but Harry doesn't need this at the moment."

"I know. I know he doesn't, but she won't say anything again."

"Good."

"Hi." Harry walked out of the bedroom, one arm wrapped around his stomach and the other rubbing his eyes. 

"Morning sleepyhead." Louis shot him a smile.

"You only woke up 5 minutes ago Louis, you can't say much." Niall laughed.

"Shut up." Louis stuck his middle finger up at Niall.

"Lou, Eleanor's calling." Niall glanced at Louis's phone which sat on the kitchen side.

"Hey babe. I told you where I was going last night, no I'm still here. Harry and I will be coming back soon. Ok, see you soon, bye."

"Thank you for letting me stay the night Niall. I'm sorry I woke you."

"It's fine Harry, it's not your fault anyway. And remember you can stay here whenever you want, and call me if you need anything."

"Thank you."

//

"Hey baby." Eleanor kissed Louis firmly on the lips as he entered the room.

"Morning," he replied with a smile, "girlfriend."

Harry sighed, walking up the stairs.

"Are you not having any breakfast Haz? You didn't have anything at Niall's."

"I'll have something after my shower."

His phone pinged, making him look down. 'are you free today? and if you are can me and Jack come and visit? Xx' It was from Gemma.

'of course you can. Louis's girlfriend might be here though xx'

'who? Eleanor? X'

'yeah x'

'i thought she like a fake one? x'

'she was, he asked her to be his proper girlfriend last night. I've got to go, see you later? x'

'see ya x'

Harry got in the shower, after the shit show last night, he was itching for his blade. So he cut. He cut until his arm felt numb. "Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!" Harry punched the wall before gripping his fist.

"Harry?" Lou called.

"Yeah?" He choked out.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah." Harry rinsed off his arm before stepping out of the shower. 

He bandaged it up, pulling on his clothes before stepping into his bedroom.

"Oh my god! What the fuck?" Harry jumped. Eleanor was looking around his room. "What are you doing?"

"Just waiting for you. Got bored." She shrugged. "I just wanted to let you know that your little stunt last night was fucking pathetic. What was the point in dragging Louis away from me?"

"I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."

"Yeah I'm sure you didn't. That's why you faked having a fucking nightmare like a pathetic little fucking kid."

"I didn't fake it-"

"Then you're a freak." She smirked, walking off.

Harry held back his tears, taking a deep breath before following after her down the stairs.

"U-um Gemma and her boyfriend are coming over today." He told Louis.

"What time?"

"No idea. Is Eleanor s-staying here or going home?"

"Staying here I think."

"Oh. Ok."

//

Harry opened the door with a smile, hugging Gemma tightly. "Gem! I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." She grinned. "Um, this is Jack."

"Hi, nice to meet you." Harry shook his hand. "This is Louis, and his girlfriend, Eleanor."

"Nice to meet you mate." Louis smiled, "and it's good to see you again Gemma."

"Come in." Harry stood back, letting them in.

//

"Harry, can I talk to you?" Gemma asked him gently. Jack and Louis were talking about football, whilst Eleanor sat with her legs strewn across Louis's lap, her eyes glued to her phone. 

"Yeah, sure. Um, we'll just be upstairs." 

"You like him." Gemma shut the door behind them.

"Who? Jack? Yeah, he's nice."

"No stupid, you like Louis."

"He's my best friend, of course I do."

"Don't act dumb Harry. You like him as more than a friend."

"I-did mum tell you?"

"Nope, but I guess that confirms it. How long have you known you're gay?"

"I'm not gay. Well I might be. I don't know. I'm gay or bi or something. But the only boy I've liked is...him."

"So how long have you liked him?"

"I don't know. A long time."

"When are you going to tell him?"

"I'm not."

"Come on Harry, you have to."

"There's no way I'm telling him."

"Why not?"

"Why would I? He's straight, and he has a girlfriend."

"You don't like her."

"She's a bitch."

"Why?"

"She's just not a nice person. Can we talk about something else? Surely there's something else you wanted to talk about?"

"Yeah, how are you?"

"Good."

"Honestly?"

"No." He mumbled.

"Oh Harry." She moved closer to him, hugging him tightly. "What's up?"

"I don't know. I hate everything about myself and I feel fucking awful all the time even if there's no reason." A small sob erupted from his mouth.

"Harry, listen to me. I know you may hate yourself but there's nothing to hate. You're the kindest person I know and you always put others before yourself. You're so funny and so good at singing. And you're by no means ugly, I mean, have you seen how many people love you?"

"Thank you Gem. I love you."

"I love you too. Do you want to go back downstairs?"

"Ok." He wiped his teary eyes before following her back down.

"Are you alright?" Louis frowned.

"Yeah, yeah." Harry fell down on the sofa next to him.

"Who wants a glass of wine?" Louis asked after a while of talking.

"I will." Harry stood up next to him, following him into the kitchen. 

Everyone else agreed. "Why were you crying earlier?"

"I-"

"And don't say you weren't."

"She was just talking to me about stuff and it made me emotional."

"Stuff being?"

"Look, I'm really sorry Lou but I...I'm just not comfortable talking about any of it. If I was I'd tell you."

"Ok, if you don't want to talk about it that's fine. But please don't lie to me and tell me you're ok when you're not, I want to be there for you."

"I can't help it, I just get scared."

"Of what?"

"Showing my emotions I guess." 

"Oi, you two, stop snogging and bring me my wine!" Gemma called from the living room.

Louis rolled his eyes, chuckling slightly, "I guess we better bring the queen her wine."

Harry sat on the floor, legs crossed and wine in his hand. "Let's play a game."

"Charades?" Gemma suggested.

"Yes!" Louis jumped up with a grin.


	20. Chapter 20

It had been a few days since Gemma had gone home, and luckily so had Eleanor, however Harry was feeling worse than he had for the past week.

"Come on Harry, you have to get out of bed at some point." Louis urged with a sigh.

"No I don't." 

"Yes you do, you can't stay there forever. Are you ill?"

"No."

"Then what's up?" 

"I don't have any motivation." He groaned.

"Right, go and have a shower, I'll make you a coffee and then we'll watch films the rest of the day, yeah?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes you do. Come on sleepyhead." Harry groaned, pushing himself up.

"I hate you." 

"No you don't." Louis replied cheekily, "come on. Up you get."

Harry rolled his eyes, pulling the covers off him and standing up.

He had a quick shower before trudging into the living room where Louis was sat, waiting for him.

"Sit." He patted the sofa next to him. "Your coffee is on the thingy." He pointed to the table.

"You mean the coffee table?"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Right." Harry raised his eyebrows, sitting next to Louis.

"Cuddle up with me, I'm cold." Louis pouted, opening his arms. Harry obliged, resting his head on Louis's chest. "Has anyone ever told you that you have brilliant hair to play with?" Louis ran his hand through Harry's hair.

"Nope, that would be a first."

They settled down, Louis switching the TV on.

//

"What's up motherfuckersss!" Niall yelled, pushing open the door to their apartment, causing the pair to jump.

"Niall, what the fu-"

"Oh my god sorry am I ruining a Larry moment? Hold on, let me get my camera one sec..." He fumbled around his pocket, eventually grabbing his phone with a look of excitement on his face.

Louis raised his eyebrows, shaking his head slightly with a smirk on his lips. He pulled Harry back down against him, continuing to run a hand through his hair.

"Ah, there we go." Niall mumbled, his tongue stuck out in concentration.

"Ni, are you going to explain why you're here?"

"Lou, are you going to explain why you and Harry are cuddling like a cute couple?"

"Because I was cold and Harry's warm and Harry needed a hug. Now go on."

"I was bored, so I thought I'd third wheel my favourite couple."

"We're not a couple." Harry frowned, a sad look ghosting over his face, which neither of them seemed to notice.

"Well you're more interesting than Liam and Zayn."

"I'm so telling them that." Louis grinned.

"Oi don't you dare! I'm being nice to you!"

"I'll think about it."

"So, can I join you?"

"If you really want to. We're not being interesting though."

"I don't care." He flopped down next to them, taking out his phone again. "By the way, I'm sending that picture to the group chat."

Harry pulled out his phone as it buzzed, smiling at the photo. "We're cute girlll!" Louis clicked his fingers.

"You are, now kiss."

"No way." Harry shook his head.

"Kiss me you fool." Louis grabbed Harry's face, pretending to kiss him.

Harry giggled, lying back against Louis again.

"Sooo, what are we watching?"

"Put on whatever." Louis tossed him the control.

"No clue what this is but it looks good."

"It looks depressing."

"But good." Niall shrugged.

//

"Well shit." Niall gasped as they realised one of the characters had killed themselves.

Harry tensed up, thoughts running through his head. "What would you do if that happened to me?" Harry mumbled.

"God I don't even want to think about that." Louis groaned, "that's awful."

"Yeah, let's not think about that." Niall agreed, "I'd miss you far too much."

"Really?"

"Duh, you're literally my brother. And you're basically Louis's husband."

Harry gave him a small smile. 

"Lie back down Haz." Louis pulled him back.

"Sorry." 

"It's ok."

//

"Louuuu." Niall whined.

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"Of course you are."

"Do you have any food?"

"You know where it is, go make something."

//

"Hello?" Harry answered his phone.

"Hiya babe. I'm coming over." It was Grace.

"Wait, what? Why?"

"Management said."

"But it's our break?"

"So? What's your address?"

"Ask them." He hung up.

"Who was that? You sounded mad."

"I am fucking mad, Grace is coming over."

"Who's Grace?" Niall asked through a mouthful of food. 

Harry made a face at him, rolling his eyes.

"Oh right, your girlfriend." A look of realisation washed over his face.

"She's not my fucking girlfriend."

"Sorry, fake girlfriend."

"I hate her so much. This is the last thing I need today."

"Harry, it's alright."

"I'm going to my room. I need a cigarette."

"Oi, balcony."

"Fucks sake."

"Enough of that attitude thank you." Louis raised his eyebrows.

Harry rolled his eyes again, storming out onto the balcony. He sat down, lighting up the cigarette.

"Harry will you please stop that?" Niall sighed, sitting on one side of him as Louis sat on the other.

"No."

Louis lit up a cigarette as well. "Want one Nialler?"

"Absolutely not. I'd rather not have black lungs."

"Fair enough."

//

A knock on the door disturbed the trio, Harry groaning as he walked to the door, the cigarette still dangling from between his lips.

He opened the door before walking back away.

"Hi boys." She grinned, chewing her gum loudly.

"Hi um...Georgia?" Niall winced.

"It's Grace."

"Are you sure? Cause I swear it was Georgia." Louis smirked.

"Of course I'm fucking sure. I'm going to go and see Harry." She strutted up the stairs.

"Well she seems really lovely." Niall said sarcastically.

"Yeah, definitely. I can see why Harry loves her." Louis replied with a chuckle.

Harry sighed as she walked into his room without knocking. "Ever heard of knocking?" He mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Why are you here then?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "As I said management asked me to. Make me a sandwich will you?"

"What?"

"I said make me a sandwich."

"No, you can make it yourself."

"Say that again." She growled in a threatening tone.

"I'm not going to be your slave."

"I'd shut your mouth if I were you."

"Or what?" She slapped him across the face, her rings catching on his skin. "Fuck." He closed his eyes, his lips trembling slightly.

"Do you want to talk back to me one more time?" She raised her eyebrows. He shook his head. "Good, glad you know where you stand. Now how about that sandwich?" He nodded, walking down the stairs.

"Do you two want a sandwich?" He murmured as he walked past them into the kitchen.

"Yes please mate." Niall piped up.

"Lou?"

"Yeah, please. Thank you."

"'s no problem." He made the sandwiches, handing them to the pair before heading upstairs with the last one. "What the fuck are you doing!?" He yelled as he walked into his room. She was sat on the floor, looking through his stuff.

"What does it look like? I got bored."

Harry shoved the sandwich into her hands, sitting on the bed and running his hands through his hair. "Took you long enough." She grumbled.

"Don't fucking look through my stuff."

"Oh shut up, don't be such a little baby." She rolled her eyes. "Remember, I'm in control of you."

"How long are you here?"

"Just until tomorrow."

"You're staying overnight!?"

"Duh."

"We don't have a spare room."

"Then I'll sleep in here."

"But where will I sleep?"

"I don't know, the floor, the sofa. I couldn't care less."

"I-um...ok. But please promise me you won't look through my stuff."

"Fine, I promise I won't look through your stuff."

"Thank you."


	21. Chapter 21

It was 2am and Harry was sat on the sofa, staring into space. A light flicked on and footsteps echoed through the living room.

"Fucking shitting hell!" Louis exclaimed, his hands resting over his heart, "what the fuck are you doing? You gave me a fucking heart attack!"

"Grace is in my room."

"Okkk..why the hell is she in your room?"

"Management said she has to stay til tomorrow. And I let her have my room."

"I thought you hated her."

"I do, she's a complete and utter bitch, but I just...I don't know. What are you doing down here?"

"Thirsty." He walked into the kitchen and Harry heard water running before Louis returned. "Come on."

"Huh?"

"You're not sleeping down here." Louis grabbed Harry's hand, pulling him off the sofa. "You can share my bed."

"Are you sure that's alright? I don't want to be a bother."

"Of course it's alright. In ya get." He patted his bed, Harry lay down, Louis sliding in next to him. "I know you're always cuddling something when you're sleeping so-"

"Lou, don't embarrass me." Harry groaned.

"I'm not, I'm just stating facts. Whenever you sleep, you're cuddling something. Anywayyy, you can cuddle me if you want, we both know we'll end up in each other's arms by the morning anyway."

Harry felt his cheeks heat up, thanking the lord that it was too dark to see his delicate blush. "Eleanor won't like that though."

"So? It's not like I'm cheating on her of anything. I'm allowed to cuddle with my best mate."

"Ok." Harry agreed, nuzzling into Louis as he wrapped his arms and legs around Louis's petite frame. "Night Lou."

"Night Haz." Louis mumbled into Harry's mop of curls.

//

"Oops!" Harry squeaked as he rolled off the bed, pulling Louis with him. The bed was much smaller than his own.

"Hi." Louis chuckled as climbed off of Harry.

"Sorry." Harry smiled sheepishly, "good morning."

"Good morning to you too. Do you want me to get you some coffee?"

"Only if you're getting yourself some. I can get it if you want."

"Nah, I'll do it, go have a shower."

"Thank you. You should get a bigger bed by the way."

"Why? Are you planning on sharing more often?" Louis winked, leaving Harry with a red face.

Harry showered quickly before walking down the stairs. "Here." Louis held out the coffee, Grace appearing from nowhere and taking it from his hand.

"Awe you made me coffee."

"Actually, that was for Harry." Louis frowned.

"Well, he'll just have to make his own."

"But I made that for Harry." 

"Too late." She took a sip, walking into the living room.

"What a bitch." Louis muttered, "here, have mine."

"No, it's alright. I can make my own quickly. Wait what?" He turned to the front door as it burst open. "What is it with people and letting us know before they come over?"

Zayn, Liam and Niall walked in, giving a strange look to Grace. "What's she still doing here?" Niall called, Grace rolling her eyes.

"I can hear you, you know."

"I know, but Louis and Harry are in the kitchen and I'm not." The trio continued to walk through to the kitchen.

"Management said she had to." Harry explained.

"Wait where did she sleep?"

"My bed."

"Wait wait wait, Harold, did you share with her?"

"Absolutely not." Harry shook his head.

"So where did you sleep?"

"With Louis. Wait, no! Not like that!" He quickly added as the boys smirked at him. "Honest."

"So you're telling me if we go up to Louis's room, we're not going to see stains all over his sheets."

"Not from last night, no."

"So you've done it before?"

"Oh fucking hell." Harry grew frustrated as all the boys continued to wind him up, Louis not helping in the slightest. "No, I mean there would only be stains from when he, you know."

"When I what?" Louis asked cheekily.

"Shut up." He groaned. "What are you lot even doing here?"

"Niall was bored, of course, said he'd been over here yesterday and he was coming back and asked if we wanted to come."

"Well, nice knowing ya lads but I'm off for a shower." Louis chirped, walking off upstairs.

"I'm going now." Grace stood up, waving sweetly to the boys.

"Bye." Harry mumbled. "Oh thank god." He let out as a sigh as she shit the door behind her.

"You and Lou definitely cuddled didn't you?" Niall beamed.

"Well, I mean I-I...yeah. He said he knew I'd end up cuddling him some point during the night so he let me before we went to sleep."

"Oh my goddd, you're so cute! I ship it, do you ship it?" Niall bounced up and down, turning to Liam and Zayn.

"Definitely." Liam agreed, "you can't keep your hands off eachother."

"You do know he has a girlfriend right?"

"Whatever. Can we go somewhere today?"

"Like where?"

"I don't know, let's go to shopping centre."

"We'll have to ask Louis, but I'm down for it."

Louis soon emerged from the shower, throwing himself onto the sofa. "So, what are we doing today boys?"

"We were thinking maybe we could go shopping?"

"Yes! I need some new clothes, let's go."

"Who's driving?" 

"I will." Liam volunteered, "but who's sitting up front next to me?"

All eyes turned to Niall. "Oh why's it always me?" He groaned.

"Because if you're with us you're an actual nightmare."

"Rude." He muttered. "Come on Liam, let's leave these peasants to sit in the back."

"Oi, remember you said me and Harry were more interesting than them."

"Harry and I." Harry corrected quietly, earning a glare from Louis.

"You said what? Niall you little bitch!" Zayn began chasing him.

"Princess Harry, your chariot awaits." Louis opened the door, shoving Harry inside.

"That wasn't very nice." Harry pouted.

"You're not very nice."

"Oi."


	22. Chapter 22

"Have you told the boys you're gay yet?" Anne asked her son over the phone.

"'m not gay, just a bit. Well maybe fully I don't know."

"Have you told them?"

"No, I want to but I'm scared."

"What are you scared of sweetheart?"

"That they'll think I'm gross and they won't accept me."

"Darling, those boys are some of the most accepting people I know, they're not going to stop being your friend because you like it up the arse."

"Mum! You can't say stuff like that!"

"Why not?" She chuckled at his obvious embarrassment. "It's my job to embarrass you."

"But mum!" Harry groaned.

"Look love, I've got to go but I think you should tell them."

"I'll tell them one at a time I think."

"That sounds like a good idea. I love you sweetheart."

"I love you too mum, bye."

Harry chucked his phone down, falling back onto his bed with a sigh. He wanted to tell them, but he didn't know how, or when. And he was petrified of their reaction.

"Harry! Do you want a cup of tea?" Louis called from downstairs.

"Yes please!" Harry replied. He joined Louis at the breakfast bar, his knee bouncing up and down as he held the cup between his hands.

"What's up?" Louis turned to him.

"Nothing, why?"

"You look incredibly nervous."

"I am."

"Why?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Are you pregnant?" Louis gasped sarcastically.

"Lou, please let me say before I chicken out."

"Alright, what is it?"

"I-I'm gay. Well a bit at least, I'm not straight and I like boys but I don't like girls like that, shit I'm gay..." Harry rambled, his eyes widening at his realisation.

Louis looked at him for a second before bursting out into laughter.

"Oh god you think it's stupid don't you? I'm sorry-"

"No, no Haz, of course I don't think it's stupid. I just think you might need to work on something a bit shorter when you next tell someone. Something simple like 'hey, just to let you know, I like it up the arse.' you know, short and effective."

"I don't know if I like it up, you know, there." Harry glared. "I've not done that."

"So you'd be a top?"

"I don't know, I don't think so, can we please not talk about this."

"I want to continue this conversation later. But I'm so proud of you Haz."

"Really?" Harry looked up with a small smile.

"Of course, I know that must've been hard to say, so I'm so so so proud of you."

"Thank you so much."

"How long have you known?"

"I don't know, well I only just realised I'm fully gay. Wait I need to tell my mum hold on."

Harry pulled out his phone, quickly texting her a quick, 'mum I'm gay, like fully gay xx'.

"That's more like it, short but effective." Louis peered over his shoulder. "Are you planning on telling Niall, Zayn or Liam soon?"

"I want to but I'm scared. I think I want to tell Liam first, although I'm closer to Niall because Niall can't keep his mouth shut. Like I know he'll accidentally slip up or something."

"That's very true. I think you should maybe tell Liam, then Zayn and Niall."

"Yeah." Harry agreed. They made they're way to the sofa, sitting next to eachother.

"So, Harold. Do you think you'd bottom or top?"

"Louis!"

"What? I'm asking the important questions here."

"No you're not."

"Oh come on, I'm not going to let this go so you might as well talk to me about it."

"Fine. Probably bottom." He buried his face in his hands.

"How come?"

"I don't know, I just don't really want to have to be in charge. I like it when someone else is."

"What are your kinks?" Louis smirked.

"Ok, no. That is too far. There is no reason whatsoever for you to need to know that."

"There is if I fuck you." He grinned playfully.

"Louis! You have a girlfriend!" Harry squeaked.

"Just tell me."

"Absolutely not."

"I bet you have a daddy kink." 

"Jesus Christ."

"Oh my god you so do!"

"I'm going to bed." Harry climbed off the sofa, leaving the room. "Night Lou."

"Night baby boy."

Harry groaned at this, of course Louis would find out, and now tease him endlessly.

//

"Harry? Are you up?" Louis peered into Harry's room. The room was still dark, but Harry wasn't in his bed. "Hazzaaa?" He walked over to his curtains, pulling the open, revealing a curled up figure in the corner of the room.

"Harry? Oh god, what's happened?" He crouched down.

"I'm alright, I just couldn't sleep last night."

"What are you doing down there?"

"I don't know. I just kind of ended up down here."

"Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Maybe an hour or so."

"In that case you need to go back to bed."

"I don't want to, I won't be able to anyway."

"No, you need to rest. We're literally doing our first show in two days time."

"Lou, I'm an adult, I can do what I want."

"And Harry, I'm older than you, so I can tell you what to do." Louis grinned.

"That's not how it works."

"Look, you lie in bed and I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."

"Fine. I won't be able to fall asleep anyway."

"We'll see about that. Cuddle time!" Louis helped Harry up before shoving him onto the bed.

"Lou, do you think the other boys will accept me?"

"For being gay?"

"Yeah."

"Of course they will, Zayn will probably ask you if he can fuck you, and if they don't accept you, we're dropping them."

"We?" Harry smiled at Louis. 

"Yeah, course. I'm not going to let someone be homophobic towards you."

"Thank you." Harry buried his head further into a pillow. 

"Is there anyone you like at the minute?"

"Maybe."

"Tell me!"

"No, absolutely not."

"But Haz...I'm your best mate, right?"

"Yes, but I'm not telling you."

"Fine."

"I might tell you at some point, but not for a while."

"Alright, better than nothing I suppose. I think you should try and sleep now."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, go to sleep kitten." Louis smirked.

"Louis! Stop!" Harry squirmed. "I'm going to find out your kinks and make fun of you."

"So you actually admit you have a daddy kink?" Harry remained silent, a blush spreading across his cheeks. "Hot." Louis winked.

"Don't you dare ever tell anyone."

"Promise."

"Thank you."

"Right, now you should actually go to sleep."

Harry nodded, grabbing a pillow and curling up to it. 

"You do realise I'm right here." Louis pouted.

"I didn't think you'd want me to cuddle you anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because you know I'm gay."

"You know that doesn't change a thing. Come here."

Harry smiled, moving the pillow and shuffling towards Louis.


	23. Chapter 23

"Oi oiii!" Louis shouted as he ran into the bus where the other 3 sat. Harry trailing behind him. 

"Hi." Harry smiled. 

"Alright? You ready to partyyy?" Niall cheered. "Who wants a beer?"

"I will." Harry nodded, catching the beer that Niall chucked his way.

"It's bloody 10am!" Liam shook his head.

"So? Never too early for a drink." Niall shrugged.

"Yeah but you're fucking Irish. You, however," Liam pointed at Harry, "are not Irish, nor are you an alcoholic."

"I need a drink." Harry shrugged.

"What've you got to drink about?"

"Quite a lot thank you Liam." Harry took a sip of the beer.

"Yeah right, like what?" Liam laughed.

"It's none of your business." 

"Alright, that was rude."

"What are we doing today?" Zayn interrupted.

"Just driving."

"Fun." Louis said sarcastically.

//

"I can't do this. I can't. I'm going to mess up. I can't do this." Harry stressed, walking back and forth.

"What can't you do?" Liam slid into the room.

"Any of this shit. I'm so fucking scared. I can't do the tour."

"Hey, Harry, you'll be fine. You've done this before, so many times. It's all going to be alright."

"Fuck." He sat down, his head in his trembling hands. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I know my voice is annoying. I'll shut up."

"Your voice isn't annoying, it's well nice." Liam frowned. 

"Grace said it's annoying." Harry mumbled.

"She's lying. Hey, what are you doing?" Liam grabbed Harry's wrist as he scratched at the sides of his hands.

"Ow." Harry yelped, pulling his arm away.

"Sorry, did I hurt you?"

"Just a little, it's alright."

"What's up with your arm?"

"I, um, uh it's just bruised."

"Really?" Liam raised an eyebrow at his blatant lie.

"Yeah."

"Show me."

"It's just a bruise."

"Show me then."

"It's not that big of a deal."

"Harry, you're making it a big deal."

Harry stood up, walking out of the room without a word.

"Harry, what the fuck is going on?" Liam followed him.

"Nothing. Alright? What do you want?"

"You to show me what you're hiding."

"What the hell is going on?" Zayn watched as the pair argued. 

"Nothing." Harry mumbled, "I'm going for a smoke."

"You can't, we're on a moving bus, idiot." Louis shook his head.

"Fucks sake."

"Harry, what the fuck are you hiding?"

"I lied, alright. It's not bruised, I just got a new tattoo and it's shit. I'm going to get it covered up or something." 

"When did you get that?" Louis asked. "You haven't left the apartment all break on your own."

Harry shot him a glare. "Yes I did."

"Come in here." Louis stood up, pulling Harry back into the bedroom. 

"Yes?"

"What's this all about?"

"Nothing."

"Stop lying to me, and why the fuck are you lying about the tattoo?"

"Fuck off." Harry groaned.

"No."

"Then stop pestering me! And tell Liam to as well."

"No. Tell me what you're hiding."

"I'm telling the truth." Harry murmured, his eyes beginning to water.

"No you're fucking not!" 

Harry closed his eyes, tears slipping out as he took a shaky breath. "I...I can't do this right now."

"Why the hell not?"

"Please Louis."

"Wait, are you crying?" His tone suddenly went soft.

"N-no." He wiped his eyes. "Allergies."

"We've gone over this. You don't have bloody allergies."

"I'm just really stressed and I can't do this right now." He sniffled.

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine. Really, I'm alright."

The pair walked back into the main area, getting questioning looks. Louis just shook his head.

//

"Haz, are you coming with us?" Louis popped his head around the corner.

"Where are you going?"

"Me, Niall and Zayn are going to nandos."

"I think I'll stay here. I might try and get an early night." 

"Alright, well Liam's staying here. Night." He waved before disappearing.

"Liam?" Harry wandered out.

"Hello." Liam smiled.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Course. Is it about earlier?"

Harry shook his head, sitting next to him, cross-legged. "Something else."

"Alright, go ahead."

"I told Louis this the other day. Um I...I'm...god I'm scared."

"It's alright, I'm not going to judge you."

"I'm just gonna say it. I'm gay." He kept his gaze on the sofa beneath him.

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah."

Within a second Harry was enveloped in a hug, "I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"100%. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. I'm scared people won't accept me."

"I know for a fact that Niall and Zayn will."

"I need to tell them but I don't know when."

"What about when they get back? Lou and I will go into the bedroom and you can tell them."

"Ok. Yeah."

//

"Louis, come in here." Liam called as soon as the trio walked back in.

"Alright?" He shot a questioning look at Harry before following the sound of Liam's voice.

"I have something I need to tell you." Harry took a deep breath, "um I've already told Louis and Liam."

"Ok?" 

"I'm gay." Harry said, inaudibly.

"Huh?"

"I'm gay." This time he was louder.

"Oh my god I knew it!" Niall jumped up and down with a smile on his face, "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!"

"What? How did you know?" Harry frowned.

"I just did." He hugged Harry.

Harry looked up at Zayn from Niall's shoulder, he hadn't said anything and it was beginning to scare Harry.

"Z-zayn?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?"

"Definitely not. Does this mean I can fuck you?"

"What? Absolutely not." Harry shook his head, embarrassed.

"Why not? It's not like the others will let me, they don't like dick."

"Zayn!"

"Sorry, sorry. But if you change your mind..." He walked off.

"How did you know?" Harry whispered to Niall as Zayn left them alone.

"Have you seen the way you look at Louis?"

"W-what?"

"Oh come on Harry, you like him."

"I-I...no I don't."

"It's alright, I'm not gonna tell anyone."

"Promise." Harry mumbled.

"Promise." Niall agreed.

"Louis you were right. Zayn asked if he could fuck me."

The boys turned to look at Zayn, he just shrugged. "What? He likes dick and I like fucking."

"Jesus Christ." Liam put his head in his hands, shaking his head.


	24. Chapter 24

They had been back on tour for around a week now, it had been good, for the most part. But despite it all going smoothly, Harry was feeling worse and worse, gradually getting more and more overwhelmed.

He poured himself a drink with shaky hands, gasping when it slipped from his loose grip, the glass shattering on the floor.

Wordlessly, he slid down the cabinet to the floor, his knees to his chest as he sobbed silently.

Louis wandered into the room, eyes widening at the sobbing boy with the broken glass in front of him. "Shit, Haz? What happened?" He quickly knelt down next to him.

Harry offered no reply, instead crying harder. "Jesus Christ." Louis muttered, moving to hug him. "It's just a glass, it's alright."

"I broke it-" He gasped out.

"I know, but it's alright love. Ok?"

Harry shook his head, burying it into Louis's neck.

"Shhh." Louis rocked him side to side. "Don't cry darling." Harry gripped Louis's t-shirt, pulling him closer.

"What's going on?" Liam looked out of the door. "Oh shit, are you alright Harry?"

"He dropped a glass and completely broke down." Louis explained, "hey, don't cry. Do you want to watch a film?" Yet again, no reply. "How about a nap?"

Louis shot an exasperated look towards Liam as Harry continued to cry in his arms. "Haz, love. You've got to talk to me."

"I-I want to fucking die." He choked out.

"Harry, fuck, don't say stuff like that." Louis's stomach lurched.

"B-but it's t-true."

Louis pulled him back in, holding his head close and stroking his hair. "Look at me." Harry locked his eyes with Louis. The emeralds glistened, standing out against his red face. "It's going to be ok."

"It's not, nothings fucking ok!" 

"It will be alright."

"I don't believe you."

"Come on. You're going to have a nap."

"N-no."

"I think you need to rest."

"I don't want to."

"I'll sit with you." Harry gave a small nod, his sobs dying down to hiccups. "Come on then." Louis stood up, pulling Harry up.

They walked into the bedroom, the boys looking at them with concern. "Just lie down Haz, I'll be right here."

"Promise you won't go."

"I promise." Louis sat by his head, running his hand through his curls.

//

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Louis smiled at Harry as his eyes fluttered open.

"Like shit."

"Do you want to tell me what happened earlier?"

"I don't know. I'm just stressed and then when that glass broke it tipped me over the edge."

"Do you think you need to stop touring?"

"We're in the middle of a tour I can't just stop."

"Harry, your health comes before anything else. This is obviously having a bad effect on you so if you need to, we can postpone the tour."

"No! We can't postpone the tour, that's not fair. It's only a few more weeks I'll be fine. I'm ok. Really."

"You are definitely not ok. Nobody cries that much about a broken glass."

"We're not postponing the tour." Harry stated firmly.

"Fine, but if this happens again, we are. Anyway, are you still feeling stressed?"

Harry nodded.

"How about we go and put on a film, yeah?"

"Ok." He mumbled. "Oh, 'm sorry, I'll pick that up." He apologised as he spotted Liam picking up the pieces of glass.

"No, don't worry. I've got it."

"Are you sure? I can do it if you want to do something else."

"I'm sure. Go and watch the film."

"Thank you."

"Move!" Louis yelled, jumping on the sofa as Niall and Zayn scurried out of the way. "We're watching a film, do you want to join?"

"Sure-" 

"Actually Zayn, I need your help with something." Niall winked at Harry, dragging Zayn away. "You too Liam!"

"But I wanted to watch the movie." He whined.

"I don't care, come on."

"What do you need help with then?"

"I don't."

"What the hell, I'm going to watch the movie."

"No you're not."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll interrupt their date."

"Date?" Zayn raised an eyebrow.

"Well, they don't know it's a date but you know. We all think they'd be cute together, right?"

"Niall, Louis isn't gay."

"Shut up Liam. That's not important right now. Plus you never know, you two didn't know about Harry."

"He has a girlfriend."

"Yeah but nobody actually likes her."

"I do." Zayn shrugged.

"You oblivious fuck. She's a bitch."

"What do you mean?"

"She's so fake. Anyway that's besides the point. I want them together so this is a date. What's your bet they'll be cuddled up by the end? Wait! I'll make a bet with you, if they're together by the end of this year you both owe me £20, if they're not I'll give you both £20. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Liam?"

"Ugh fine. Deal."

//

"Oh my god look at them." Niall grinned. "They're cuddled up together and they're asleep." Louis was strewn across the sofa on his back, Harry half lying across him on his front. Harry's head was tucked away into the crook of Louis's neck and their arms were wrapped around eachother.

"Niall you sound like a right weirdo."

"Shut up and look at them." He took out his phone, snapping yet another photo of the two.

"You absolute creep." Zayn teased.

"Should we wake them?" Liam asked.

"No, absolutely not. What has gotten into you Liam?" Niall tutted, disappointed. "Right I'm going to bed, night." He yawned, throwing himself on his bed. 

"Night, sleep well."

//

Louis groaned, stretching out as he felt a weight on top of him. "Morning Haz."

He got no reply, Harry just snuggling closer, if possible. "Harry, are you awake?"

"No." He mumbled.

"Can you move up a bit please. You're squashing me."

"I'm sorry." He scurried off him quickly. "I know I'm heavy." He added quietly.

"You're not heavy, you're actually really light, but I'd feel squashed with anyone lying on me. It's not that you're heavy I just needed to move. Also, when I say move up I don't mean move completely. I still want cuddles."

"I'm sorry." He moved back.

"Eleanor's going to be staying with us tomorrow." Louis mumbled into Harry's shoulder.

"Oh." Harry's heart dropped. There goes his good mood.

"I'm sorry, I know you don't like her but she's my girlfriend."

"I know. It's fine. Um, I'm going to have a shower now."

"Alright. I'll make you coffee if you want."

"Yes please." Harry forced a small smile, grabbing a change of clothes before walking into the bathroom. He stripped off, not daring to look in the mirror as he climbed into the shower. 

He cut. He didn't mean to, but it happened. His arms, which by now resembled a battlefield, became numb as the blood dripped down them. This didn't phase him anymore. When he had first started, he had to look away, disgusted, but now he wasn't bothered. He rinsed them off before bandaging them up and pulling his clothes on along with a smile.

Harry took the coffee gratefully from Louis, sitting at the small table. His head snapped up at the sudden sound of the door opening, a frown taking over his face as Eleanor walked in.

"Hey baby!" She squealed, rushing over to Louis and hugging him tightly, one leg stuck out behind her as she kissed him.

"Hey Els? I thought you were coming tomorrow?" He looked incredibly confused.

"I thought I'd surprise you babe. Didn't you miss me?" She pouted.

"Um yeah, I'm just a bit surprised, that's all. It's nice to see you."

"Well that is what a surprise tends to do. Silly Lou." She giggled, kissing his nose. Harry almost gagged at this.

"Coffee ruined." He mumbled, placing it on the side as he entered the bedroom.


	25. Chapter 25

"What was that?" Louis questioned angrily as he walked up to Harry. 

"What was what?"

"Your little comment and eye roll."

"Nothing. She was just being cringey."

"In case you hadn't noticed we're together. We're in love." Louis seethed.

Harry felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"Whatever, just don't make fun of my relationship until you can get one of your own. When was the last time you dated someone again?"

"I don't-"

"Oh right, a long time ago. Unsurprisingly."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you'll be lucky to find someone, looking like that. I mean, just look at you." He snarled before storming out, leaving Harry with one arm wrapped around his waist, an open mouth, and teary eyes.

"Harry, can you-whoa what's wrong?" Niall groaned groggily, rubbing his eyes.

"Nothing, Niall." He sat in the corner of his bed, knees to his chest as he allowed the tears to spill. He drew the newly installed curtain across, cutting him off from everyone else.

"Harry? What's up?" He popped his head through the curtain.

"I said it's nothing!" Harry yelled through sobs, scratching furiously at the sides of his hands.

"It's obviously something-"

"Fuck off!"

"Woah I'm sorry mate, um I'll leave you alone for a little while but I want to talk to you later." Niall backed away, turning to the confused and concerned faces of the newly awoken pair.

"Maybe Louis knows what's up." Zayn suggested quietly. 

"Worth a shot." Niall agreed. "Lou, wait what, Eleanor?"

"Hi." She smiled.

"What are you doing here? Wait nevermind, explain later, Louis, do you know what's up with Harry?"

"He was being a dick about mine and Eleanor's relationship."

"Ok, and what did you say to him? Because he's sobbing his eyes out in there."

"I said he'd be lucky to get in a relationship and I may have insinuated that he's ugly."

"Louis what the fuck!? You and I both know he isn't so why would you say something like that to him."

"I was angry. And I didn't think he'd take it to heart."

"Of course he would, you know how sensitive that boy is." Liam sighed, shaking his head at Louis. "And I know he tries to make out that he's still confident but he's obviously very insecure and self-conscious."

"That's not my fault."

"Fuckin' hell Louis, just go and talk to him. Nicely."

"No, he shouldn't have been a dick."

"God just go and speak to him." Zayn groaned.

"Fine." Louis stormed into the bedroom. "Harry?"

"Go away."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. Just go away." 

Louis walked back out to the boys.

"There is no way you talked to him. You were in there for 2 seconds."

"He said he's fine."

"Jesus Christ. He's obviously not fine. I'm going to go and see him, and you," Liam pointed to Louis, "are going to grow a pair and stop being a prick." 

"Um, he's not in there." Zayn frowned as he looked through the door.

"He is, his curtain is just drawn across."

"No, his curtain's open but he's not in there."

"Well it's not like he could've gone anywhere. He's probably in the bathroom." Their thoughts were confirmed as they heard a muffled cry. 

They sat in awkward silence for around 10 minutes until Harry finally emerged. To be frank, he looked a mess. His hair was messy, and his cheeks and eyes were red and puffy, tears still spilling down.

"Harry." Niall said softly, Harry avoided everyone's gaze, walking out of the bus with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his hand.

"Louis, you need to sort this out."

"Just give him time and he'll calm down." Louis sighed. 

"What's gotten into you today?"

"Nothing. I'm just fed up of him being bitchy about my relationship."

"He's literally said nothing bitchy about it. You're just being dramatic now."

"Oh fuck off. Come on Els, let's go somewhere." He stood up, her following and grabbing his hand.

He glanced at Harry who was sat against the bus, a lit cigarette between his lips as he whimpered into his hands, Louis felt a pang in his heart but quickly looked away.

"Where are we going babe?"

"I don't know. Let's go to the park or something." He shrugged, beginning to walk.

"So, I was wondering if you wanted to move in with me once you've finished touring?" She beamed at him.

"Of course!" Louis smiled, "I'd love to." He bent down, kissing her quickly.

//

"Louis's a dick." Niall sat down next to Harry, who was still sat against the side of the bus. "He didn't mean what he said by the way, he was just angry. He had no reason to be angry mind, or say what he said."

"It's not like he was lying." Harry muttered, Niall shot Liam a glance as he winced at Harry's words.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Don't worry."

"Tell me."

"Well I'm not exactly the nicest thing to look at, am I? I look like a fucking frog with stupid hair and ugly eyes."

"Wait so you don't know you look like an actual God? Harry, you are literally the human representation of a Greek god."

"No I'm not. You're just saying that to make me feel better. It's not going to work."

"How can you not see it? You're literally so pretty. Oi, stop looking at me like that Liam, I'm not gay and we both know it's true."

"Niall! I-I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood." He sighed.

"Oh, look who's back." Niall glared at Louis and Eleanor as they walked around the corner, hand in hand, laughing at something.

Harry looked up before quickly looking back down. "I don't want to sleep in there tonight."

"I know, but there's nowhere else you can sleep. Come on, let's go inside before they do." They stood up, Harry closing his eyes and gripping onto the bus as he bowed his head. "Are you alright?"

"Just dizzy. I'll be alright." The dizzy spell quickly passed and they walked inside.

Harry took his book from the table, curling up in the corner of the sofa and focusing on the words on the page.

"So, babe, when you move in I was thinking we could maybe get a cat or something." Eleanor's voice rang through the bus, causing Harry's head to snap up. Move in?

"What do you mean, move in?" Harry asked timidly.

"Uh, Eleanor asked me to move in with her once we finish tour and I said yes." Of course he said yes, nobody ever wanted to stay around Harry.

"Oh...right...um..." His voice grew thick.

"Louis, can I talk to you?" Liam called him over.

"Sure." Louis followed him into the bedroom.

"You talked to Harry about this beforehand, right?"

"Um, no..."

"Ok, so let me get this straight, first of all you call him ugly and say he'll never get a relationship, and secondly you're suddenly moving in with Eleanor, without talking to Harry about it first. What on earth has he ever done to you?"

Louis remained silent, staring at his feet.

"You better sort this out, he's been crying all day, I'm surprised he had any tears left." Liam sighed, leaving Louis alone in the bedroom. Harry was still curled up in the corner of the sofa, gripping the book tightly, covering his face. "You alright mate?" Liam sat next to him.

Harry nodded. "Fine." He whispered.

"It's ok to not be alright."

"It's embarrassing. I'm too sensitive."

"There's nothing wrong with being sensitive."

"There is. It's annoying."

"No, it's not. Do you want to go for a walk?"

Harry shook his head, "I need to call my mum."

"Alright."

He placed the book down, revealing his watery eyes. He stood up slowly, again gripping the wall.

"Let me guess, another dizzy spell?"

"Mhm."

"Why do you keep getting them?"

"I don't know." Harry mumbled, walking out of the bus.


	26. Chapter 26

"Harry, love?"

"Hi mum." He choked out.

"Darling, what's wrong?"

"I'm a horrible person!" He cried.

"No. No, you're absolutely not."

"I am!"

"Why do you think that sweetie?"

"L-Louis hates me. He c-called me ugly and he said I'll never have a relationship and-and h-he's moving in with Eleanor and he didn't tell me. I shouldn't have been so annoying-"

"No, sweetheart, this is none of your fault. Don't you dare blame yourself. I don't know what's gotten into him but this was Louis, not you. Ok?"

"B-but I shouldn't have-"

"No honey. It is not your fault."

"Ok." Harry murmured, not believing her for a second. "W-we were going to get a dog after tour. But now he's moving in with Eleanor."

"I'm sorry darling. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Harry sighed, turning to look at the figure who sat down next to him. "Um, I think I have to go. I love you."

"I love you too darling, so much. Please don't hesitate to call me."

"I won't, I'll speak to you soon, bye." He hung up before shuffling to face the person. "Louis?"

"I'm sorry Haz." He mumbled. "I shouldn't have said any of those things. They're not true. And I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about moving out, I was angry."

"It's fine, it's fine, I-I know that it's true."

"What? No, Harry honestly. I was angry and I just wanted to say something hurtful. I promise you, you're not ugly. At all."

"Whatever..."

"And I didn't mean what I said about you never having a relationship. All the boys will be throwing themselves at you when you come out. Well they are already, even though they don't know you're gay."

"I don't know if I will come out publicly."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"Well, fair enough. It's your decision. Again, I'm so so sorry. And I heard your phonecall, I wasn't eavesdropping, I just heard it, I'm sorry. I don't hate you by the way, I don't know why I acted like that today. I feel awful."

"It's alright."

"It's not alright. I was such a dick."

"I forgive you."

"Harry, no. You shouldn't."

"I do, I don't like arguing with you. You mean too much to me to loose."

"Come here." Louis moved to hug him.

"The ship is sailing! I repeat the ship is sailing!" Niall called out from inside the bus.

"What is he on about?" Louis laughed.

"I don't know. Um Louis, how long is Eleanor staying here? I-I'm sorry I don't mean to-"

"No, no don't worry. Um, she's staying here for two days I think."

"Oh. Ok."

"I'm sorry Harry, you look so sad. I'm sorry for hurting you."

"It's ok. It's not that big of a deal. I was being overdramatic."

"No you weren't. Do you want another hug?"

Harry nodded, looking down in embarrassment. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry love, come 'ere." Louis pulled him in, Harry burying his head in the crook of his neck.

"You smell nice." Harry mumbled.

"Thank you." Louis chuckled, "so do you. How about we go inside, yeah?"

"Yeah. I might go to bed."

"Really? It's early."

"I know, but 'm tired."

Louis nodded, "let's get you to bed then."

Harry yawned, rubbing his eyes before standing up. They walked back into the bus, Harry keeping his gaze off of Eleanor. 

"Do you want a cup of tea Haz?" Louis asks from the kitchen.

"Um, only if you're making one for yourself."

"Yeah, go and get ready for bed and I'll bring it to you."

"Thank you." Harry gave him a soft smile, trudging into the bedroom.

"So, you and Lou are friends again?" Liam and Niall followed him into the bedroom.

"Yeah, he kept apologising and I forgive him. He didn't mean to say those things he was just angry."

Liam nodded. "Well I'm glad he realised what a dick he was being."

"Um if you don't mind I'm going to get ready for bed."

"Course."

Harry picked up his pyjamas, walking into the bathroom.

//

"Here you go Haz." Louis gave him the tea with a smile.

"Thank you."

"Babe, can we-"

"Not now Els, sorry but I'm talking to Harry."

"Ugh ok."

"Um you can go and spend time with her if you want. I don't want to take up your time."

"No, no. Don't worry. She wants to watch a film but we can watch that in a minute."

"Ok."

"You should go to sleep, you look tired."

Harry nodded, setting the empty cup down on the floor next to him.

"You drunk that fast." Louis commented, Harry giving a small laugh in reply.

He lay down, drawing the duvet up to his chin.

"Goodnight H."

"Night Boo." He yawned, burying his head in the pillow and curling up.

Louis smiled at the adorable sight before turning off the light and leaving the room.

Louis sat down next to Eleanor and the rest of the boys, letting out a yawn.

"Are you tired baby?" Eleanor rubbed his thigh, pressing a kiss to his temple.

"Just a little." He replied, "let's put the film on."

//

"Louis?" Eleanor chirped from the sofa as he stood, making breakfast.

"Yeah?"

"Can we have a look around?"

"Only if Harry can come. I was horrible to him yesterday and I want to make it up."

"Ugh does he have to?"

"Yes." Just then Harry walked out, giving Louis a soft smile. "Hey Haz, I made extra food, here."

"Oh, thank you but 'm not hungry."

"No, eat it. I haven't seen you eat in a while. Are you eating properly?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm eating fine." Harry took the bowl, sitting down at the table.

"Me and Els-"

"Els and I." Harry muttered, "sorry." He smiled sheepishly at Louis.

"Freak." Eleanor spat, Louis not hearing.

"Els and I are going to look around today, do you want to come?"

"Um I don't want to intrude..."

"Good, see, he doesn't even want to come."

"That's because you're putting him off." Louis glared. "Come on, we can get the other boys to come if you want?"

"I don't know, I just..." He let out a sigh, "it'll be awkward if I'm just there with you two but I don't want to intrude."

"How about we just get Niall to come?"

"Ok. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Ah, speaking of the devil. Niall, you're coming with Harry, Eleanor and I."

"Huh? Why are me and Eleanor third wheeling you two?" 

Harry blushed, Eleanor furrowing her eyebrows, "what do you mean?"

"I was joking." Niall lied.

"Good, because there's no way Louis would be gay. Imagine if you were babe, that would be so gross."

"Excuse me?" Niall frowned, "what do you mean, gross?"

"It's not natural."

"Look, don't you dare be homophobic around here. Ok? You can't just say stuff like that, it's horrible. What if Louis was bisexual or something? Would you still love him?" 

"No, I would break up with him."

"Good to know." Louis murmured. "Els just shut up will you? Stop being a bitch."

"Sorry what? Louis what the fuck?"

"You're being a bitch. End of discussion."

Harry smiled gratefully at the pair. 

"You know what Eleanor, maybe you should stay here."


	27. Chapter 27

"So you're telling me I've come all the way here, just for you to leave me to spend time with him!?" She shrieked.

"Yep." Louis nodded, popping the p. "Sounds about right."

"God why are you such a dick sometimes?"

"You're being homophobic."

"Maybe it's best if you go." Liam said from the doorway. "Go and stay in a hotel or something."

"Fuck you." She spat, grabbing her bag and storming out.

"Jesus Christ." He sat down, rubbing his temples, "I'm sorry Harry."

"It's not your fault." Harry shrugged, "don't worry about it. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I hope she's not actually homophobic and she was just I don't know...if she is I'm going to break up with her." He sighed, "anyway, how about we go exploring?"

"I take it I'm uninvited?" Niall asked.

"Nope, of course not."

"In that case I'm uninviting myself, have a nice date, day. I meant day." He smirked.

Harry glared at Niall as Louis just chuckled, "bye Nialler. Bye you two." 

//

"Can we go to that pancake stall over there?" Louis jumped up and down like a little kid.

"If you really want to." Harry laughed.

"What do you want? I'll pay."

"Oh, um I'm not really hungry." Harry hadn't had a chance to throw up the breakfast that Louis had made him eat, and he was feeling increasingly sick by the second. "Actually, I'm feeling quite sick."

"The bus is only around the corner,do you need to go back for a bit?"

"No, no I don't want to ruin today as well."

"Let's go back to the bus until it dies down. You might throw up and then feel better or you might just have the feeling. We're here for another day anyway so we can look around tomorrow if you don't feel great."

"I'm sorry Lou. I keep messing things up." He bowed his head.

"No you don't love, come on, let's get you back to the bus." 

As soon as they set foot on the bus, the urge to throw up became overwhelming, Harry running to thee toilet. Louis was immediately by his side, pushing his hair out of his face. "Are you ok? Is that all of it?"

Harry shook his head, throwing up again, Louis pulling his hair into a ponytail with the scrunchie on the side. It soon got to the point where Harry was dry heaving so Louis moved him away from the toilet bowl, flushing the toilet before getting Niall to pass him a glass of water. "You feeling better now?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I think you should eat something to line your stomach."

Harry shook his head, "no. I don't need to."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Can we keep looking around? I feel fine now, I just need to brush my teeth."

"Do you not need to rest or something?"

"No, I'm fine. I don't feel sick anymore."

"Surely it doesn't just go like that." Niall frowned.

"Look, I'm fine ok? Are we going to go or not?" Harry snapped.

"Ok, ok. Go brush your teeth and we'll go." Louis sighed.

//

"What are you still doing up?" Louis asked Harry as he grabbed a drink from the kitchen. "We have interviews early tomorrow."

"I dunno, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd watch a film."

"What are you watching?" Louis sat next to him.

"Frozen." He blushed.

"Awe cute." Louis grinned, pinching his cheeks. "But I think you should try and sleep again."

"But they've only just met Olaf...I like Olaf..." He pouted, Louis giggling.

"You're adorable." Louis chuckled, ruffling Harry's hair. "Come on, you can finish it tomorrow. It's 1 in the morning, we've got to get up at 7. You're going to be knackered as it is."

"Ok." He murmured, "fine." Louis held his hand out, pulling Harry up off the sofa and leading him to the bedroom.

"Night Haz." Louis let go of his hand, Harry disappointed by the loss of contact. Louis seemed to notice his frown and turned back to him. "Cuddles on the sofa?"

Harry nodded shyly. Louis once again took his hand, pulling him back. He lay down, Harry lying down next to him and rolling to bury his head in his neck. "Goodnight love." Louis muttered, teasing Harry's hair.

"Night night Lou."

//

"God I'm working up an album of these adorable photos!" Niall's cheery voice rang out as the pair stirred.

"What?" Harry mumbled, eyes fluttering open.

"Nothing. I see you two were watching frozen?"

"Actually, that was just Harry." Louis grinned cheekily.

"Oh, morning." Harry smiled.

"Morning. What time is it Niall?"

"It's quarter to 7."

"Better get ready then, ey?" Louis stretched, sitting up.

"But I haven't finished Frozen-"

"You can watch that tonight."

"How many times have you watched Frozen?" Niall chuckled.

"Umm...I don't know..." Harry's cheeks turned pink.

//

"Louis, sit down will you." Caroline groaned at the hyper boy who was jumping around.

"Fine." He sighed, falling onto the sofa.

"Harry, come here sweetheart." She beckoned, "gosh, you've gotten skinny. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Harry nodded with a reassuring smile.

"Right let's get you dressed. Jeans, top, shoes...yep that's all." She handed them to Harry.

"Can I have a different top?"

"No, that's the only one I'm afraid."

"A jumper?"

"Harry we're in bloody Spain, it's hot here."

"I know but-"

"But what?" Liam cocked an eyebrow from the corner of the room.

"I threw up yesterday, I'm ill." He lied.

"Look Harry, there aren't any jumpers."

"Oh, ok." He bit his lip, looking around frantically. "Where are my bracelets?"

"Why?"

"I got a shitty tattoo that I don't want people to see."

"Over in the corner."

"Thank you."

//

"So, who here has a girlfriend?"

"Not-" Harry was cut off.

"Me, Zayn and Niall don't. Louis is with Eleanor and Harry's with Grace."

"Ah yes, we've heard about you and Grace but we've not heard anything from you on the topic. How long have you been together?"

"Um, just over two months."

"How have you two been?"

"Good, yeah, we're good. She's nice." 

Zayn shot him a look.

"And you Louis? How are you and Eleanor?"

"Well, we're moving in together after tour."

"I take it it's going well then."

"Yeah, very well thank you."

//

"Nice!?" Zayn questioned as they walked back into their dressing room, "you just described your apparent girlfriend as nice. Do you want this to be believable?"

"No, I don't. I can't stand her. And it's hard to think of a word to describe someone you hate on the spot." Harry reasoned, "don't shout at me." He added quietly.

"I'm sorry Harry but that was just quite obvious that you don't like her."

"So what? Management can fucking suck my-"

"I'll be the only one doing that, thank you Harold.." Louis smirked from the doorway.

"Louis!" Harry covered his face in embarrassment.

"Oh god I'm going to leave." Zayn left the room quickly.

"Can we go now? I want to watch Frozen."

"Course princess, let's go and see Olaf." 

"God's sake Lou!"

"Ooo, princess hmm? You like being called Princess by daddy?"

"No, shut up." 

"Sorry kitten."


	28. Chapter 28

"I think that's the last of it." Louis stood up as he picked up a box of his belongings, "well there's still a lot here, do you mind?"

"No, I don't mind." Harry sighed. "Will you still visit me?"

"Course I will. Oh, car's here. I better get going."

"Bye Lou."

"Bye curly, call me if you need anything." Harry nodded, giving him an awkward side hug. "Hold on, let me put these down and I can give you a proper hug." Louis placed the box gently on the table before turning back to Harry and opening his arms.

Harry obliged, wrapping his arms around Louis. "You should get going." He mumbled.

"Yeah, bye Haz, I'll see you soon."

"Bye." And with that Louis had moved out. Harry walked into Louis's almost bare room, beginning to cry as he curled up on the bed. He was being stupid, but he didn't care. He just wanted Louis, not the knowledge that Louis had left him because he was too annoying.

Harry pulled on one of Louis's oversized jumpers, which fit Harry nicely, inhaling the scent. He picked himself up, trudging into his room, drawing the curtains and lying in his bed.

And that was where he stayed for weeks, only getting up to go to the toilet, showering, cutting, getting a drink, or occasionally to eat. He didn't look at his phone or watch TV, he just lay there, either sleeping or staring into space. He didn't see any point in getting up only to go to bed that evening, nor did he have the motivation.

"Harry you didn't answer so I let myself in, where are you?" Niall's voice rang out.

"In here." He mumbled, the first time using his voice in a long time.

"What are you-Jesus Christ! You're not a vampire you know." Niall pulled open the curtains, Harry squinting at the brightness. "Bloody hell Harry, you look like shit. Are you ill?"

"Something like that."

"I think you need to get out of bed."

"Thank you but I'm fine. Just need rest. You can go home."

"No, come on. I'll get you some soup."

"Really Niall, I just need rest and to be left alone. Sorry."

"Don't apologise, that's fair enough. But I'll phone you tomorrow, yeah?"

Harry gave a small nod. "Bye Niall. Wait, before you go can you shut the curtains please?"

"Course, bye Haz, get better soon."

"Thank you."

//

"Harryyy, you answered. The boys are coming over to mine today. You're coming too." Niall told him.

"No thanks." Harry declined.

"Come on, we'll all be there. It'll be fun. You have to come, none of us have properly seen you since tour. Well I saw you but not properly."

"I really-"

"I'm not taking no for an answer. Be here at 2. Wait that's an hour, come over in an hour."

"Fine." Harry groaned. He waited for Niall to hang up before he sat up slowly, grimacing at the dizziness he felt.

He slowly made his way into the bathroom, showering before he pulled on clean clothes. He brushed his hair, trying to make himself just the slightest bit more presentable.

Niall's was only a 20 minute walk so he locked up his door, and began to walk. He inhaled the fresh air for the first time in at least a month, come to think of it he didn't know what the day was, nor the month.

He checked the calendar on his phone, surprised to see that it was September. (Feel like I've messed up the timeline sorry)

"You're late." Niall nagged as he opened his door.

"Sorry, I walked."

"Oh shit sorry, I should've picked you up."

"It's fine. I needed the air."

"Hey Haz!" Louis grinned, embracing him in a tight hug. 

"Hi. How've you been?"

"I've been good thanks, how about you?"

"Um...I've been alright. Yeah, alright."

"So what are we going to do?" Liam asked.

"FIFA?"

"Who's going first?"

"Me against you?"

"You're on Horan."

Harry lay on the sofa, watching as they shouted at eachother. "Popcorn?" Louis stuck the bowl out towards him.

"No thanks."

"Has it been quiet without me?"

"Very." Harry nodded. "It's weird. Um I need the toilet." He stood up, beginning to walk to the toilet, but stopped as a dizzy spell came on. He squeezed his eyes shut, standing there before he collapsed to the floor, everything going black.

"Harry? Shit Harry!" Louis ran over to him, "Harry, can you hear me? Someone call a bloody ambulance! Hey, you're gonna be fine." He muttered, more comforting himself than Harry.

"They're on their way." Zayn said calmly, "he's going to be fine Lou, don't panic."

"But he's fucking unconscious!"

"It'll be alright. He'll be ok."

//

"Louis, please sit down, you're making me dizzy." Liam groaned as Louis paced up and down, biting his nails.

"What if he doesn't wake up? What if he-"

"Look, we're worried about him as well, but overthinking this all won't help."

"But we've been here for a bloody hour!"

"Come on, come sit down."

"Harry Styles?" A doctor called, the four of them standing up quickly and heading over.

"Is he ok? Can we see him?"

"He's still unconscious but he'll come around soon. You can see him but I need to talk to you." He led them into Harry's room. "He's severely underweight, do you know if he has an eating disorder?"

"What? No, he wouldn't do that." Louis defended.

"Look, I know it might seem like it, but it's often the people you don't expect. Have you noticed any changes in his eating habits?"

"Um, actually, yeah." Louis nodded slowly, "I haven't seen him eat properly in a while and when he does he always seems to throw up after...but I've not seen him make himself throw up, it just happens..."

"W-where am I?" A groggy voice asked from next to them.

"Harry! Oh thank god! You're in hospital love." Louis hugged him gently.

"W-why? What happened?"

"You passed out."

"Mr Styles, we need to ask you a few questions."

"Ok?" He looked scared.

"When did you last eat a proper meal?"

"I don't know." He murmured, "a few months ago."

"Have you eaten recently without throwing it up?" Harry shook his head.

"Did anyone know about this?"

"Grace knew I was working on my weight...I think she might've known."

"Ok, and do you know what caused you to develop this eating disorder?"

"I d-don't have an eating disorder."

"I'm afraid you do."

"No, I'm just trying to lose weight, I don't have an eating disorder." Harry looked around frantically.

"Harry love, I think you need to listen to the doctor." Louis gulped.

"Do you know what caused you to develop this?" The doctor repeated.

"I'm fat. Everyone knows it, people were saying it on Twitter and Grace and Eleanor said it and-"

"Hold on, Eleanor!?" Louis frowned.

"Yeah." Harry nodded, "sorry." He added quickly.

"That's it, I'm fed up with her, I'm breaking up with her."

"But Louis I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Hey don't worry, we're focusing on getting you better. Alright?"

"Mr Styles, would I be correct in saying you've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression?"

"Yes." He mumbled. The boys all shot eachother a look, Louis's heart dropping.

"Ok, I'm afraid we're going to have to set you up in a recovery scheme. You can still stay at home, but once a week you'll have to go to an appointment. Does that sound alright?"

"But does that mean I'll put on weight?"

"Yes it does. You need to put on weight as you're underweight."

"I don't want to though."

"Harry, you're not healthy. We need you to get better." Louis coaxed.

"Fine."

"Thank you darlin'." Louis ran his hand through his hair. 

"I'll leave you alone with Harry for a while." The doctor left the room.

"You have depression?" Liam sighed.

"Yeah." Harry looked down.

"How long?"

"Dunno, at least a year."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it's stupid and embarrassing."


	29. Chapter 29

"Let's get you home Harry, I want to talk to you." 

"Did they say I can leave?"

"Yeah, come on."

//

"Go and sit on the sofa Haz, I'll be there in a minute. I need to talk to Eleanor." Louis smiled softly at him.

He took out his phone, dialing Eleanor's number.

"Hey babe when are you coming home?"

"Listen, I'm breaking up with you."

"You can't do that! And over the phone? That's such a dick move Louis! Why are you even breaking up with me?" She squealed in annoyance.

"Because you're a bitch. You're horrible to Harry and you're just not a nice person. You're homophobic, and you're always making snide comments towards Harry. I'm done."

"Oh so what's he told you now? Huh?"

"You called him fat, and it's not like that's the only thing that's made me realise what a bad person you are."

"So what if I called him fat? It's true and so is everything else I said to him!"

"Fuck off, it wouldn't hurt you to be nice once in a while. I'll get my stuff tomorrow." With that he hung up the phone, walking over to Harry was biting his nails. 

"I'm sorry Lou, I shouldn't have said anything-"

"Harry, she's not a nice person. This is for the best. And I can't have her being nasty to you. Plus, didn't I tell you that if someone was homophobic we would drop them.

Harry gave a small nod. "Thank you."

"What do you want to talk about first?"

Harry shrugged.

"How about your eating disorder? Yeah?"

"Ok."

"I think you answered most stuff at the hospital. But when did you decide to stop eating?"

"It was on tour. The UK tour. I don't remember what happened but I was upset about something and I was sat outside and I was scrolling through Twitter...and they were all saying I was fat so I decided to try and lose weight. I stopped eating but when I felt faint I'd have something small and make myself throw up later on. After a while I didn't have to make myself throw up, if I left it long enough it would just happen."

"I should've noticed." Louis sighed, "I know you think you're fat but you're not, not one bit. The doctor said you're severely underweight love. But you've never been fat. Do you want to talk to me about how you feel?"

"Not really...but I will. But you have to promise not to laugh."

"There's nothing to laugh about. Your feelings are valid."

"I just, I always feel like I'm not good enough, and I feel like I'm a waste of space. The world doesn't need me here, I'm just nothing. I'm annoying and ugly and boring and stupid and useless and worthless and I just get in the way. I'm one of those people that nobody wants around and they don't notice when I'm gone. And I feel fucking sad all the time, either sad, angry or emotionless. Like I have times where I laugh and stuff but deep down I'm not happy."

"I can confirm that all of that stuff you just said isn't true. Well not the last part, but everyone cares about you so much Harry. You're the kindest person I know and you're always here for anyone and everyone. All you want is for everyone to be happy. You're beautiful, inside and out. Nobody, and I mean nobody compares to you."

"Really?" A small smile spread across Harry's face.

"Really. We're going to get through this Haz." Louis hugged him tightly, pressing a soft kiss to his head. "Come on, let's go and lie down." They stood up, walking into Louis's room. "Has someone slept in here?" The bed was no longer made as he had left it.

"Um yeah, I did...when I felt lonely I slept in here." Harry admitted quietly.

"I'm sorry I left you."

"It's alright. You shouldn't have to look after me all the time."

"Well I'm going to. I want to make you as happy as possible."

Harry gave him a small grin as they lay next to eachother on the bed.

//

It had been a couple of weeks and Harry had gradually been eating better. He had been given a food plan and Louis had been making sure he followed it. He still threw it up occasionally, sometimes on his own accord and sometimes without meaning to, but Louis looked after him.

Louis was making tea when he heard retching from the bathroom, he immediately stopped what he was doing, rushing to accompany the sobbing boy on the floor.

"L-Louis I'm s-sorry...I couldn't keep it in..." He cried.

"It's alright love, it's ok. I know you're trying. That's all that matters, you're trying and it will pay off. Ok?"

"I'm sorry-"

"Hey now, none of that, you're doing really well sweetheart." Louis cut him off, rubbing his thumb up and down his back. "Let's go and watch a film."

//

"Harry, is it ok if I go out for a while?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I think I'm going to try and sleep."

"Alright, night Haz. I'm just going to Niall's."

Louis got into his car, driving to Niall's. He knocked on the door, pushing past Niall as he unlocked the door.

"Woah calm down. What's up?" 

"I need to talk to you."

"About?"

"Can we sit down?"

"You're scaring me."

"I'm in love with Harry." He blurted out.

"You what?" Niall was shocked, "yes! Yes yes yes! Finally! How long have you known?"

"Um, a while...you know I've liked him for a long time, um even when I was with Eleanor. I know it's horrible of me but I was scared so I just tried to force myself to like Eleanor. But I don't know what to do. Help me Niall."

"Ask him out."

"What!? I can't just do that!"

"You can if he likes you back."

"What?"

"Is it not obvious?"

"No, I-I, he actually likes me?'

"Ask him yourself. Just ask him out will you? Please."

"I...ok...tomorrow."

"Let me know how it goes, oh my god I'm so excited!"

"Why?"

"What? Are you fucking blind? I've shipped you two for so long! Just get married already will you?"

"I haven't even asked him out yet."

"Go home I want to sleep so tomorrow comes quicker."

"Alright, rude."

//

"Harry. Can I talk to you?" Louis asked nervously from the sofa.

"Mhm, hold on." He walked into the room, plopping down next to Louis, "yeah?"

"I like you. As more than a friend."

"Wait, like, like like?" Harry looked confused.

"Like, I want to date you like."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Sorry I'm sorry, I just, I've liked you for so long, I'm sorry I sound like a fangirl...wait so you actually like me?"

"Yes I bloody like you Harry. Now shut up and kiss me."

"I-" Harry was cut off by Louis's lips on his. Harry melted into the kiss, moving his lips against Louis's. It felt like heaven, better than he'd dreamed off. Louis's hand went up to Harry's hair, getting tangled in his curls as Harry moved to straddle his lap.

"Fuck Harry." Louis breathed heavily as they pulled apart, resting their noses and foreheads against eachother's. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a bloody brilliant kisser?"

"No." Harry blushed, burying his head in the crook of Louis's neck. 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" Louis grinned.

"Yes yes yes!" He nodded eagerly. "I can't believe this is happening!"

"Well you better believe it babe, cause you're all mine."

Harry's stomach flipped and he covered his face. "Can I kiss you again?"

"Of course."

Harry leaned in, delicately placing his lips against Louis's. "Louis I can't tell you how happy I am." He breathed as he pulled apart.

"Neither can I darlin'."


	30. Chapter 30

Louis walked into Harry's bedroom, seeing him flat out on his bed, curled up to his stuffed bunny. Louis smiled, brushing his hair out of his face and pressing a kiss to his forehead before stripping down to his boxers and joining Harry in bed.

As soon as Harry felt the bed dip he rolled over, snuggling up to Louis with his bunny still tucked under one arm.

He took his phone off the bedside table, quickly texting Niall, 'we went on a date !!', before he put his phone down and cuddled up to Harry.

//

"I think I'm gonna go and talk to management about Grace today." Harry said groggily as he walked into the living room.

"Do you want me to come?"

"Um they'll probably say something about us...wait what if I get them to come here? It's your house as well so it's not like it would be normal for you to be here."

"Sounds like a plan, let's have some breakfast and then you can call them, yeah?"

"Ok." Harry agreed.

"What d'ya fancy today?"

"Can I have porridge please?"

"Course you can."

"Lou, do you think you dogs all bark in the same language?" Harry turned go Louis, a look of confusion upon his face.

"Harry, love, I have absolutely no idea." Louis chuckled.

//

"What's this about?" One of the women asked, sitting on the sofa.

"I want to 'break up' with Grace."

"You know you can't do that." The stated with a fed up sigh and an eye roll.

"Why not?" He frowned.

"Because you haven't been 'dating' long enough. And if you broke up now there would be more rumours than ever, with Louis only recently breaking up with Eleanor.

"But I don't want to see her, she's...she's not nice."

"Well I'm sorry that you don't like her but you'll have to grow up and try to get along."

"She fucking encouraged his eating disorder for Christ's sake." Louis growled, "she bullies him when all Harry does is tries to be nice."

"Well I'm sorry to hear that but-"

"But fucking what!? You can't force him to be around her, she's toxic."

"She hits me." Harry murmured, barely audible.

"What was that?"

"She hits me." He repeated, "if I don't do something right she hits me." Harry stood up, rushing out of the room.

Louis glared at the two women and the man, "you've got to be joking, if you force him to stay with her now then we're leaving the band. See yourself out will you? I'm sure you're at least capable of that." He spat before following Harry.

"Hey, Haz? Are you ok?"

"I'm so fucking embarrassed." He murmured into his hands.

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about babe. I'm proud of you for saying something."

Harry looked up, surprised, "do you not think I'm pathetic?" 

"Of course not. I think you're the strongest person I know."

"'m not strong Lou, I'm weak."

"Trust me, you're strong." Louis opened his arms, Harry shuffling up and letting Louis hold him.

//

"Boo, Liam wants to know if I can go over to his to hang out. Is that ok?"

"Course it is, you don't need to ask. Want me to drive you?"

"Yes please."

"You ready to go now?" Louis grabbed his keys from the hook by the door. 

"Think so. Do I look alright though?"

"You look beautiful. Hold on, is that my jumper?"

"Maybe." Harry fiddled with the hem of it.

"How on earth is it still big on you?"

"Because you bought it like 10 times too big for you." Harry ducked down, brushing his lips against Louis's. "You sure you're ok with driving me?"

"Mhm. I'm not gonna make you walk am I?"

They climbed into the car, Louis resting a hand on Harry's thigh as they began to drive.

"Just call me when you need picking up, yeah?"

"Yeah, thank you. See you later." Harry kissed Louis before hopping out of the car and waving at him as he drove off.

"Cute." Liam commented, making Harry spin around in surprise.

"You scared me." Harry frowned. 

"Sorry." He laughed. "How are you doing?"

"Good. This morning management came over and I asked about breaking up with Grace. 'm not sure if they'll let me but I hope they do. Where's Zayn?" Harry paused, looking around.

"Dunno, nandos with Niall I think. And I hope they let you 'break up' with her. How are you and Louis?"

"Amazing." Harry's face lit up, "I love him so much."

"I'm so happy for you two. Catch." Liam tossed him a can of beer before he froze.

"Liam?" Harry waved, "what are you staring at?" He laughed nervously.

"Let's sit down."

"Li, you're scaring me."

"Harry, your sleeve came up."

"W-what?" He stammered.

"Let me see."

"There's nothing to see."

"Then what were those cuts?"

"Cat." Harry shot out.

"I'm not an idiot Harry, come on."

Reluctantly he stuck out his arm, biting his lip as Liam rolled up his sleeve.

"Shit Haz, is this all of them?"

"More on the other arm." He mumbled. "And on my thighs."

"More? Jesus Christ."

"You can't tell anyone." 

"H-"

"No, you can't tell anyone. Not even Lou. Please." Harry begged.

Liam sighed, nodding, "for now. How long have you been doing this?"

"I used to cut before x-factor and then I stopped but I started again last year." He admitted, "'m sorry."

"Does anyone know?"

"No. Only you now. And Gem knew that I did before x-factor. I-I haven't done it in 3 days though." 

"Oh Harry." He sighed. "You have to stop."

"I-I can't just stop."

"Course you can Haz, we can help you."

"No. You don't understand, I can't just stop."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not that fucking easy!" Harry yelled before sighing and rubbing his eyes, "I'm sorry...just, you wouldn't understand."

"It's alright, I'm sorry. Why do you do it?"

"It's all coming out recently isn't it." Harry forced a laugh, "I feel like shit. It's just a form of coping."

"It's not healthy Haz."

"You think I don't know that? Of course I do but nothing else works. It's fine, it's not like it's hurting anyone."

"It's hurting you."

"Doesn't matter. That's the point."

"Jesus Christ." Liam murmured, "call me if you ever want to cut yourself, yeah? Or go and talk to Louis. Just distract yourself."

"I'll try."

"How often do you do it?"

"I don't know, whenever I feel sad or pathetic or stupid, basically whenever I need a release." He rubbed his wrists unconsciously.

"Lou's going to find out Harry, if it's on your thighs he'll see when you, you know."

"I know, I'm gonna have to tell him at some point but h-he'll probably leave me."

"There's no way he would leave you. That boy loves you too much."

"Really?"

"Really. And Harry, I know you don't believe this but you're so strong." Liam smiled softly.

"How?"

"You've been through so much and you're still here. So many people would've given up by now. But your cuts, they show that you're fighting and not giving up."

"Thanks Li." Harry smiled, he didn't agree, but he couldn't be bothered with arguing.

"I think you should tell Louis when you get home." He said suddenly, "I know you're probably going to say no but it will be best to tell him sooner rather than later."

"I don't know if I can." Harry sighed, "you know how hard I find it to talk about my feelings, let alone telling him I fucking cut my self like bloody paper or something. He'll freak out."

"He might cry, but he'll be so much happier if you tell him now rather than finding out himself."

"I...ok, I might tell him. I don't know."


	31. Chapter 31

Harry decided to walk home from Liam's. He needed the air and the time to think about how he would tell Louis. Liam was right, it was better Louis found out from Harry rather than finding out any other way. To be frank, Harry was terrified. Everything was happening so fast, he had kept everything a secret for so long but now everyone seemed to be finding out.

He unlocked the door with shaky hands, Louis looking up from his phone. "Hey Haz, did Liam drop you off?"

Harry shook his head, "I walked, I needed the air. Um, c-can I talk to you?"

"Of course, is everything ok? You're scaring me."

"It's fine, it's just, Liam told me I should tell you before you found out another way. Promise me you won't freak out, I-I'm really scared to show you."

"Ok? I promise." 

Harry slowly rolled up his sleeves, holding his arms out to Louis, who inhaled sharply as his eyes traced each and every scar. "I-I cut myself...I have since last year. They're on my thighs as well. I'm sorry."

"Oh baby." Louis looked up with tears in his eyes, "oh sweetheart. We're going to get through this."

Harry shut his eyes, hugging Louis tightly. "I'm so sorry Lou."

"No, honey. Don't apologise. I know you're struggling at the moment but it'll be okay. We'll get through this, alright?"

Harry nodded.

"If you ever feel the urge, come and see me. I don't care what I'm doing, just come and see me. We'll talk of watch a film or do some baking until you doing feel the urge. We'll find you other coping mechanisms to help you stop, alright?"

"Thank you." Harry murmured, "I love you." His eyes shot open at what he had just said, they hadn't said those words to eachother just yet.

"I love you too curly, I love you so much."

"You do?"

"I do. Is this why you haven't been coming swimming and always wearing long sleeves or bracelets?"

"Yeah." Harry nodded, "I shouldn't have done it on my wrists. It's stupid. Shoulda just stuck to my thighs or something."

"You won't hide it from me anymore, will you?"

"I-I, no. But what if I cut again?"

"Then I want you to come straight to me. Okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry that I'm bothering you."

"You're not love. You're my number one priority. Remember that darling. When did you last cut?"

"3 days ago."

"How come?"

"I just felt like shit and I just kinda...you know, I needed it..."

"Oh Haz. Thank you for telling me."

Harry didn't reply, just nuzzling further into Louis's neck.

//

"I'll get it." Harry called out to Louis as the doorbell rang. "W-what are you doing here?" He stuttered as the brunette pushed past him.

"You're a fucking dick." She spat, "thanks to you I've lost my fucking job."

"'m sorry." He muttered, gasping as she slapped him across the face.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Louis stormed in, "I thought management had gotten rid of you."

"They have, you fucking prick. Thanks to this pathetic-"

"Shut the fuck up. Don't you dare lay a hand on him again, now get out and don't come back. Ever. Now!" He spoke calmly, before shouting abruptly, making Harry flinch.

"Sweetheart?" Louis lay a hand on his arm gently as she flipped them off before slamming the door shut. "Are you okay?"

"L-Lou, I n-need to cut..." He stammered.

"Come and sit. I've read about alternatives. Do you have a hairband? Or an elastic band?"

"There's a hairband on my bathroom side." He murmured.

"Alright, I'll be right back." Louis rushed off, returning with the hairband in his hand.

"Just snap it against your wrist. It'll hurt, but it's healthier than cutting. And I know it's hard for you so I think it's best to start of smaller." Louis explained softly.

"I...okay." Harry took the hairband reluctantly, slipping it onto his wrist before flicking it. He flinched at the sting, but immediately did it again, over and over until his wrist was red. Louis watched in worry, scared that this wasn't the best option, as Harry was still hurting himself. After a while he stopped, looking up to Louis. "Thank you." He murmured, "thank you so much. Th-that actually helped."

"I'm so proud of you hun." Louis placed a small kiss on his head. "How about you keep that on your wrist, so whenever you feel the need to cut you have that there as an alternative?"

"Okay." Harry nodded.

"Also, I know you might be self conscious of your cuts but please don't feel you need to cover them around me. 'm not gonna judge you or make you uncomfortable."

"Don't you think it's gross or something?"

"No I don't. They're your battle scars. C'mere. Come and sit on my lap and we'll cuddle." 

"I'm surprised I don't squash you." Harry climbed into Louis's lap.

"You're my baby." 

"And you're small."

"Give me a break. I'm big." Louis said into his temple.

"No you're not. You're tiny."

"Shut up." He pressed his lips to Harry's, silencing him.

"Is that how you're going to shut me up now?" Harry mumbled against Louis's lips.

"Mhm."

"In that case I'm going to ramble more."

"You already do it enough babe."

"Heyyy." Harry pouted, smiling as Louis kissed him again.

"Gonna kiss you every time you pout as well."

"Can we sleep? 'm sleepy."

"Course baby. Want me to carry you?"

"Will you be able to? I'm not too heavy am I?"

"Haz, darling. You're not heavy at all."

"I just mean, I'm taller than you and bigger."

"I can carry you." Harry shifted off of his lap as Louis stood up before turning back and lifting Harry up.

"You're strong."

"I know, Mr Strong man here." Louis placed Harry gently on the bed before lying next to him.

"What time is it?" 

"Like 7? Dunno."

"That's basically night time so night night Lou. I love you." Harry smiled with his eyes closed.

"Night Haz, I love you."


	32. Chapter 32

Harry decided to walk home from Liam's. He needed the air and the time to think about how he would tell Louis. Liam was right, it was better Louis found out from Harry rather than finding out any other way. To be frank, Harry was terrified. Everything was happening so fast, he had kept everything a secret for so long but now everyone seemed to be finding out.

He unlocked the door with shaky hands, Louis looking up from his phone. "Hey Haz, did Liam drop you off?"

Harry shook his head, "I walked, I needed the air. Um, c-can I talk to you?"

"Of course, is everything ok? You're scaring me."

"It's fine, it's just, Liam told me I should tell you before you found out another way. Promise me you won't freak out, I-I'm really scared to show you."

"Ok? I promise." 

Harry slowly rolled up his sleeves, holding his arms out to Louis, who inhaled sharply as his eyes traced each and every scar. "I-I cut myself...I have since last year. They're on my thighs as well. I'm sorry."

"Oh baby." Louis looked up with tears in his eyes, "oh sweetheart. We're going to get through this."

Harry shut his eyes, hugging Louis tightly. "I'm so sorry Lou."

"No, honey. Don't apologise. I know you're struggling at the moment but it'll be okay. We'll get through this, alright?"

Harry nodded.

"If you ever feel the urge, come and see me. I don't care what I'm doing, just come and see me. We'll talk of watch a film or do some baking until you doing feel the urge. We'll find you other coping mechanisms to help you stop, alright?"

"Thank you." Harry murmured, "I love you." His eyes shot open at what he had just said, they hadn't said those words to eachother just yet.

"I love you too curly, I love you so much."

"You do?"

"I do. Is this why you haven't been coming swimming and always wearing long sleeves or bracelets?"

"Yeah." Harry nodded, "I shouldn't have done it on my wrists. It's stupid. Shoulda just stuck to my thighs or something."

"You won't hide it from me anymore, will you?"

"I-I, no. But what if I cut again?"

"Then I want you to come straight to me. Okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry that I'm bothering you."

"You're not love. You're my number one priority. Remember that darling. When did you last cut?"

"3 days ago."

"How come?"

"I just felt like shit and I just kinda...you know, I needed it..."

"Oh Haz. Thank you for telling me."

Harry didn't reply, just nuzzling further into Louis's neck.

//

"I'll get it." Harry called out to Louis as the doorbell rang. "W-what are you doing here?" He stuttered as the brunette pushed past him.

"You're a fucking dick." She spat, "thanks to you I've lost my fucking job."

"'m sorry." He muttered, gasping as she slapped him across the face.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Louis stormed in, "I thought management had gotten rid of you."

"They have, you fucking prick. Thanks to this pathetic-"

"Shut the fuck up. Don't you dare lay a hand on him again, now get out and don't come back. Ever. Now!" He spoke calmly, before shouting abruptly, making Harry flinch.

"Sweetheart?" Louis lay a hand on his arm gently as she flipped them off before slamming the door shut. "Are you okay?"

"L-Lou, I n-need to cut..." He stammered.

"Come and sit. I've read about alternatives. Do you have a hairband? Or an elastic band?"

"There's a hairband on my bathroom side." He murmured.

"Alright, I'll be right back." Louis rushed off, returning with the hairband in his hand.

"Just snap it against your wrist. It'll hurt, but it's healthier than cutting. And I know it's hard for you so I think it's best to start of smaller." Louis explained softly.

"I...okay." Harry took the hairband reluctantly, slipping it onto his wrist before flicking it. He flinched at the sting, but immediately did it again, over and over until his wrist was red. Louis watched in worry, scared that this wasn't the best option, as Harry was still hurting himself. After a while he stopped, looking up to Louis. "Thank you." He murmured, "thank you so much. Th-that actually helped."

"I'm so proud of you hun." Louis placed a small kiss on his head. "How about you keep that on your wrist, so whenever you feel the need to cut you have that there as an alternative?"

"Okay." Harry nodded.

"Also, I know you might be self conscious of your cuts but please don't feel you need to cover them around me. 'm not gonna judge you or make you uncomfortable."

"Don't you think it's gross or something?"

"No I don't. They're your battle scars. C'mere. Come and sit on my lap and we'll cuddle." 

"I'm surprised I don't squash you." Harry climbed into Louis's lap.

"You're my baby." 

"And you're small."

"Give me a break. I'm big." Louis said into his temple.

"No you're not. You're tiny."

"Shut up." He pressed his lips to Harry's, silencing him.

"Is that how you're going to shut me up now?" Harry mumbled against Louis's lips.

"Mhm."

"In that case I'm going to ramble more."

"You already do it enough babe."

"Heyyy." Harry pouted, smiling as Louis kissed him again.

"Gonna kiss you every time you pout as well."

"Can we sleep? 'm sleepy."

"Course baby. Want me to carry you?"

"Will you be able to? I'm not too heavy am I?"

"Haz, darling. You're not heavy at all."

"I just mean, I'm taller than you and bigger."

"I can carry you." Harry shifted off of his lap as Louis stood up before turning back and lifting Harry up.

"You're strong."

"I know, Mr Strong man here." Louis placed Harry gently on the bed before lying next to him.

"What time is it?" 

"Like 7? Dunno."

"That's basically night time so night night Lou. I love you." Harry smiled with his eyes closed.

"Night Haz, I love you."


	33. Chapter 33

"Harry?" Louis shot a look at Harry, who looked incredibly uncomfortable.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He said quickly. Too quickly.

"Then why do you keep moving around? You haven't sat still in like half an hour." Louis raised an eyebrow, "is something bothering you?"

"No, no I'm alright honestly."

"Oi, talk to me babe." Louis nudged him as he moved to sit next to him.

"I'm not sad, but it's embarrassing." 

"I'm not gonna judge you."

"'m horny." Harry blushed furiously, looking down.

"Want me to help you out?" Louis smirked.

"What?" Harry's head snapped up, "y-you don't have to, I can you know, sort it out myself."

"If you're okay with it then I'll help you out."

Harry nodded, biting his lip.

"'m gonna need words darling."

"Yes please." 

Louis swung a leg over Harry, sitting on his lap. He leaned forward, pressing a small kiss beneath his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. He moved down, sucking Harry's neck until a delicate purple mark appeared. Harry gulped, letting out a little whimper. Louis eventually found his sweet spot, sucking hard, causing Harry to let out a low moan as he threw his head back. 

"Mm let me hear your pretty little moans baby." Louis began to grind against Harry, feeling him grow harder beneath him.

"Fuck Lou, take 'em off." Harry tugged at his joggers and boxers.

Louis stood up, removing his joggers and boxers before removing Harry's.

"Fuck darling, you're so big." Louis groaned. "Can I touch you?"

"Please." He whimpered, gasping as Louis wrapped his hand around his dick. "Oh god."

Louis grinned at him as he began to move his hand up and down. "Do you like that kitten? Do you like me wanking you off?"

"Oh fuck, yes daddy." Louis knelt in front of him, placing a kiss to the tip before taking his length in his mouth. "Jesus Christ."

Louis moaned into his dick as Harry grabbed his hair, causing Harry to throw his head back with a groan, pulling Louis's hair harder. He moved his hands, one gripping the base and one, his balls.

"Oh shit, oh fuck. Faster, please, faster-" Louis obliged, bobbing his head up and down quickly as he looked up at Harry through his eyelashes. "God I-I'm gonna cum...oh god, oh fuck, daddy!" Harry screamed as he shot his load into Louis's mouth. Louis removed his head, swallowing Harry's cum with a smirk.

"Good boy." Louis praised him. "Did you like that?"

"You sure you haven't done that before?" Harry asked breathlessly.

"100%."

"Can I help you out now? Give you a blowjob or something?" Harry asked shyly.

"How 'bout I fuck you instead?" A blush took over Harry's cheeks. "If you want?"

"I-I've not been fucked before." Harry mumbled nervously.

"You willing to let me be your first? You don't have to if you don't want to darlin'."

"I do wanna, just scared."

"Let's go to the bedroom, yeah?" Louis suggested, Harry nodding in agreement. "So, baby, do you want me to fuck you?"

"Yes please." He gulped. "But I don't know how to do this."

"It's alright, I've done my research." Louis admitted, "wanna be perfect for you kitten."

"You are perfect."

"And you're an angel. I'll be right back, 'm just gonna get lube and a condom. Get on your hands n knees for me."

Harry nodded, following Louis's orders. Louis quickly returned, kneeling behind Harry and leaning forward, slowly licking his hole. "Fuck." Harry mumbled.

"I'm gonna put a finger in now, is that okay?" Harry nodded. "Might hurt a bit but just try and relax." Louis spread the lube on one finger, rubbing circles around Harry's hole until he slowly pushed in. Harry immediately tensed up, Louis patting his hip gently and reminding him to relax. "Can I start moving?"

"Yes." Harry inhaled sharply as Louis began to pump his finger in and out. Soon enough, the pain turned to pleasure and Harry was begging for more. Louis added a second finger, making Harry moan even more, a third finger was added before Louis pulled out. Harry whimpered at the loss of contact, looking over his shoulder with a pout.

"You ready for me to fuck you now kitten?"

"Please. Please fuck me." Louis slipped the condom on, covering himself in lube before slowly pushing into Harry. "Oh!" He gasped. "God you're big."

"Fuck princess, you're so tight!" Louis groaned, beginning to move slowly.

"Harder!" Harry begged.

"Manners babe."

"Harder, p-p-please, harder!" He stuttered out, gripping the bedsheets tightly as Louis began to pound into him, reaching around to grab his dick at the same time. "Oh my fuck! Yes daddy!"

"You like me pounding into you, huh? You like being a good boy for daddy?"

"Y-yes daddy!"

"You're fucking beautiful baby, you look so hot."

"God, oh my god!" Harry's head dropped, pressing his face against the mattress as Louis began to wank him off at the same time, "daddy, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum in a minute!"

"God kitten, so am I." Louis let out a loud moan as he released, he quickly pulled out, replacing his dick with his fingers whilst he continued to move his other hand up and down quickly.

Harry began to shake as his whole body gave way and he collapsed to the bed, cum shooting out.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Louis groaned, "so good baby, you were so good princess."

Harry remained in the same position, panting heavily.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go get a shower."

"Don't think I can walk." Harry admitted.

"I'll carry you and you can have a bath then, yeah?"

"Okay." 

"Let me go run it." Harry rolled over, removing his top which he had kept on.

//

"Oh dear..." Harry bit his lip, "Liam's invited us all over but I can't walk or sit very well, it's gonna be obvious."

"It's alright Haz, they'll only tease us a bit."

"But I don't want them to tease us." He pouted, "I'll get embarrassed."

"Nothing to be embarrassed about, you're the winning one, you got some amazing sex."

"It was really good, thank you."

"Anytime baby. How's that little bum of yours?"

"Sore, but it was worth it."

"Harry," Louis giggled, "if not because you can't walk or sit, they're definitely going to know from your neck."

"What?" Harry squeaked, slapping a hand to his neck.

"It's covered in hickeys."

"Your fault." Harry glared.

"Cool." Louis smirked.


	34. Chapter 34

"They're definitely gonna know." Harry mumbled to Louis as they stood in front of the door.

"Niall definitely will."

The door swung open, Niall inviting them in. "Hello! Welcome to Liam's humble abode! Wait Harry, why are you walking funny?" Harry shot a glance at Louis who was smirking into his hand.

"Oh you know, just adult things." Louis quipped, Harry glaring at him.

"Adult things? Oh!" His eyes widened as he realised, "Louis and Harry had sex!" He ran into the kitchen where Liam and Zayn were.

Great." Harry mumbled, "now the whole world knows."

"Go on ladsss!" Liam patted them on the backs. "I take it Louis topped."

"Course I did Payno, have you seen the boy, he's soft as."

"He wasn't last night." Zayn grinned cheekily.

"Shut up." Harry flipped him off.

"So, did he give you a blowie Haz?"

"Louis! Help me." Harry cried out, burying his red face in the crook of Louis's neck.

"Yes I did, then I fucked him." He answered, earning a hard nudge from Harry. 

"Not helping." Harry mumbled. "Are we actually going to do something or are you just going to be mean?"

"The latter."

"In that case I'm going home."

"You have no way to get there babe." Louis grinned.

"I'll walk. I'm good at that."

"Not today you aren't." 

"Lou! Shut up!" Harry finally looked up with a pout. Louis ducked down with no hesitation, pressing a short but sweet kiss to Harry's lips.

"Larry kiss! Larry kiss! We just witnessed a Larry kiss! Like a proper on the lips one!" Niall cheered.

"Oh shut it Nialler."

"Sorry, sorry." He held his hands up. 

"Lou you've gone proper soft for Harry." Liam commented.

"Yeah, well he's adorable." Louis shrugged. Harry looking up at him with a smile.

"I can't handle it, Liam pass me a beer." Niall sighed dramatically, holding his hand out as he closed his eyes. "Liam did you not hear me? I said pass me a fookin' beer!"

"Get it yourself."

//

"Has he been asleep the whole time?" Liam asked once the film has finished, gesturing to Harry was was curled up with his head on Louis's lap, face pressed against his stomach.

"Most of it, yeah."

"He sleeps a lot recently." Zayn stated with a frown.

"I know, I've looked it up and apparently depression can make you tired and I think maybe the fact that he's recovering from an eating disorder is tiring him out." Louis told them as he stroked Harry's hair with his thumb. "When does our contract end?"

"20th December I think."

"So we can get signed to another management?" Louis asked hopefully.

"I don't know, I'd love to but I might be complicated."

"I just want to be able to be free with him." Louis mumbled. "I don't want to have to hide. It's ridiculous."

"I know mate, we'll try our best to get signed to a new management."

"Thank you, it's just I know this will have a negative effect on both our mental healths, especially Harry's."

"Honestly, your mental health is more important than anything. We'll find a way."

"Thank you."

"Boo?" Harry murmured, sitting up slowly and rubbing his eyes.

"Hey darlin'. You still sleepy?"

"Just a bit. Are we at home?"

"Nope, you're still here." Niall told him.

"Oh? Hi." Harry looked around, slipping onto Louis's lap. Louis pulled him close, pressing a kiss to his temple.

"Hello. Nice sleep?"

"It was actually. Sorry for falling asleep though."

"It's no problem. Really. It was quite cute actually."

"Oi Payno, back off. He's mine." Louis glared.

"Alright alright, calm yourself. It's obvious he's yours."

Harry let out a small giggle. "You look like an angry hedgehog when you're jealous." He stated, making the boys laugh, "it's cute."

"Do you want to stay for dinner? Niall was going to sleep in the spare room tonight so he's staying anyway." Zayn invited them.

Harry nodded as he looked at Louis who agreed. "Sure, what is it?"

"Unmade. That's what it is so far."

"I can make it." Harry volunteered, "I haven't cooked in a while."

"Yes Haz! I love your food!" Niall grinned.

"Niall, you love any food." Harry replied.

"Yeah but yours is the best."

"I can agree with that." Louis nodded.

"What do you want?"

"Burritos or some shit?" Liam suggested.

"Shit it is." Harry nodded.

"Don't you dare." Niall glared.

"I'm only joking, the shit is only for Liam. The rest of you want burritos?"

Liam flipped him off as they laughed. 

//

"Lou can you pass me the wraps?"

Louis grabbed the packet of wraps, chucking them at Harry.

"Oi." Harry pouted as they hit the back of his head. "I meant pass me them politely."

"Sorry love." Louis shrugged with a grin, ambling up to him and wrapping his arms around Harry's waist from behind after he had placed the wraps on the side.

Harry turned around, kissing Louis.

"Harry? Is something burning?" Liam called from the living room.

"Shit!" Harry pulled away, "shit shit shit!" He quickly turned the stove off.

"I'll go lay the table." 

//

"This is delicious Haz." Niall praised through a mouthful of food.

"Thank you." Harry beamed, "not too burned?"

"After you were distracted with your tongue down Louis's throat? No it's fine." He grinned cheekily.

"I wasn't..." Harry blushed.

"You were." Louis quipped.

"Shut up."

"How's your bum?"

"This isn't how you should treat your cook." Harry frowned.

"Sorry sweetheart." Louis chuckled, rubbing his back.

"Does anyone want any wine? I completely forgot but we have a bottle in the fridge." Zayn offered, standing up.

"Yes please." Harry nodded.

//

Half a bottle of wine later, Harry was slurring over every word, grinning lazily at Louis.

"Lou?"

"Yes Harry." Louis sighed.

"I love you."

"I know darling. I love you too."

"Lou?"

"Yes Harry."

"I love you."

"God help me." Louis groaned, slamming his head onto the table. 

"Do you not love me back?" Harry pouted, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes watering.

"Of course I do darlin'. But you've only said it about 100 bloody times."

Niall, Liam and Zayn watched in amusement as Harry continued to wind Louis up unknowingly.

"Harry?" Niall smirked, "do you love Louis?"

"Yes." Harry nodded eagerly. 

"Why don't you tell him?"

"Niall I swear to god I am going to kill you." Louis growled through his teeth.

"Lou?"

"Yes, Harry." He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I love you."

"I love you too, but I think you need some rest now darlin'."

"But Lou Lou, I don't wanna sleep."

"Let's get you home and then I'll lie down with you. Okay?"

"No, wanna party."

"I know you want to party but we can't."

"Why not?" Niall grinned.

"Yeah Lou, why not?" Harry nodded.

"Because darling, you're tired. We can party tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Harry nodded. "Want Fluffy."

"Who's Fluffy?" Liam raised an eyebrow.

"I won Haz a toy bunny at the fair. He's taken quite a liking to it." Louis laughed, "it's adorable. I have a picture if you wanna see."

They nodded, Louis finding the photo of Harry grinning at the TV with the bunny held to his chest. "Here." Louis smiled fondly, showing them.

"Ok, that is adorable." Liam agreed.

"Boobear can we go home? I'm sleepy." Harry murmured.

"I thought you wanted to party?" Louis asked, amused.

"No. Sleepy."

"Come on then babe." Louis stood up, helping Harry up as he stumbled to the door.

"Thank you for today. I'll let you know when we're home. Bye." Louis waved.

//

"Want my Fluffy." Harry yawned as he lay in their bed. All that could be seen above the covers was his head of curls and his twinkling eyes.

"Alright darling, hold on." Louis grabbed the bunny from the sofa, returning it to Harry who clutched it tightly.

Louis climbed into bed next to Harry, who in turn lay his head on Louis's chest and held Fluffy to his face. He closed his eyes with a "night Lou", before quickly drifting off.

Louis took a quick picture of the pair, sending it to their group chat. 'this little one is finally asleep'. He reached over and turned off the light, burying his face in Harry's curls. "Night love."


	35. Chapter 35

Two days later and Harry was sat on the bathroom floor, bloody dripping from the fresh cuts on his arms. Louis had gone out to the shops, and in that short time Harry had felt the sudden urge to cut. So that's what he did.

He was on the tiled floor, crying into his hands when Louis found him. 

"Oh my god, baby. What happened?"

"I threw up my food-" He sobbed, "I d-didn't mean to b-but I felt so bad a-and I needed to cut-"

"Oh darlin'. Oh sweetheart, can you put the blade down for me?" Harry released it and it dropped to the floor with a clatter. "Let's get you cleaned up."

"I feel so awful." He whimpered.

"Haz, it was never going to be an easy ride, there are going to be bumps along the way. All that matters is that you're trying to get better." Louis took Harry's hand, helping him off for the floor before inspecting the cuts. "Oh baby, these are deep. Do they hurt?"

"Sting a little." He mumbled.

"Oh you're in here, oh Jesus what happened!?" Niall looked through the door, eyes widening at the blood.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked, panicked, snatching his wrists from Louis and hiding them behind his back.

"You invited me over, remember?"

"Shit." Harry's eyes widened, "I-I'm sorry Niall, um we'll be out in 5 minutes."

"It's okay, what happened?"

"I...um...I kinda relapsed." Harry murmured.

"Relapsed how?"

"Cut myself again." He admitted. "I-I was two weeks clean and now I've fucked it all up."

"Darling. It's alright love, don't keep blaming yourself."

"But it's my fault!"

"Shhh. Give me your arms love."

"Haz, how long had you been cutting?" Niall asked.

"Since last year."

"Hey, hold still."

"Sorry Boo, it hurts." He closed his eyes.

"We're all done love, let's go sit on the sofa. Chop chop Niall."

"I feel so guilty Lou." Harry sighed as he sat on his lap.

"Don't feel guilty, you're alright. I know you've relapsed, but it's all going to be okay." Louis stroked his hair.

"Do you want me to leave? I feel like I've definitely come over at the wrong time."

"It's fine Ni, just forget what you saw please. We can just watch something."

"Do you wanna do karaoke?" Niall asked excitedly. "Or just dance?"

"Just dance. Let's do just dance." Louis nodded with a smile, "is that alright Haz?"

"I guess, might be a good distraction." He nodded.

"I'm so gonna beat your arse." Louis smirked at Harry as they stood up.

"Bet that's what you tell Harry every night." Niall winked.

"Fuck off." Harry flipped him off. "But no Lou, I'm going to beat your arse. And yours Niall."

"Oh my god let's dance to this song!" Niall selected it before anyone could see.

"Oh fuck's sake." Louis groaned as he heard the far too familiar notes ring out.

"You're insecure! Don't know what for!" Niall screamed the lyrics, completely forgetting to dance.

Harry giggled, watching as Louis stuck his tongue out in concentration at the dance. 

Harry sat back on the sofa, following the actions with his wrist but not the rest of his body.

"No! No way! How did you win!?" Louis's jaw dropped as he turned to face Harry accusingly, "did you rig it or something?"

"Nope." Harry grinned.

"Then how did you win it? I was the only one dancing! This isn't fair." He pouted, falling back next to Harry.

"What can I say, I'm very skilled with my hands." Harry shrugged, not realising how dirty that had sounded. "What?" He frowned at the boys who were smirking at him.

"Skilled with your hands, ey?" Niall raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah Harry, you'll have to show me your skills sometime." Louis winked. 

"What? Oh! Not like that!" His eyes widened in realisation, "well, yes like that, but that's not what I meant." He added quietly.

"Well I still stand by that offer."

"Ewww." Niall squeaked, "keep going though, I wanna get the banter."

"You're such a weirdo." Louis laughed.

"Do I get a prize for winning?" 

"What do you want?"

"Um, I kinda want ice cream."

"Ice cream it is. Niall, get your coat on."

"Can I get changed quickly? I still have a bit of blood on the sleeves." Harry winced.

"Of course babe."

Harry quickly rushed off, changing into blue flared jeans and a red v-neck jumper. 

"You look cute." Louis brushed a hand through Harry's curls.

"Thank you." Harry blushed.

"I'm still here." Niall said from the corner, "stop making me feel single."

"You look cute too Niall." Louis moved to ruffle Niall's hair.

//

"What flavour do you want?" Louis turned to the two.

"Mint choc chip please daddy Lou." 

"Oi, only Haz can call me that." Louis winked. Harry blushing.

"Christ's sake, I can't say anything around you two." Niall face palmed.

"Harry, what do you want?"

"Umm cookie dough? Yeah, cookie dough please." Harry smiled.

Louis bought the ice creams, handing them to the two. "Where do you two wanna go now?"

"Home?" Harry suggested.

"We just got out." Niall laughed.

"I know. I just wanted ice cream." 

"Come on then children." Louis sighed.

//

"You alright Harry?" Louis asked Harry who was staring at his hand.

"I want to paint my nails. Is that weird?" He frowned.

"No, do it." Niall spoke up.

"Really?"

"Yes, do it!" Louis nodded eagerly, "they'll be so pretty!"

"What colour should I do it? Maybe pink? Or red?"

"Do pink and red together, like pink then red then pink then red then-"

"Okay Louis, I think we get the point." Niall chuckled.

"Can we do it now?" Harry rested his head on Louis's shoulder.

"Course. Do we even have nail polish here though?"

"I'll run to the shops and get some. You know the one around the corner."

"Off you pop then love, be quick." Louis patted Harry's bum as he stood up.

"How much do you think it costs?"

"Like only a quid each I reckon. Just take a fiver."

"Okay, I'll be back in 10 minutes probably. Love you." He kissed Louis, waving to Niall.

//

"How long have you known about Harry cutting?" Niall asked Louis.

"Not very long, Liam saw the cuts when Harry went over and he persuaded Harry to tell me. I just feel so bad for him. He's been through so much and he doesn't deserve any of it." Louis sighed, "I just want him to be happy."

"Since you two have been together he's seemed a lot happier Lou, you're really good for him." 

Louis smiled at him, "I know he's trying to get better but I feel so bad when he cuts or throws up his food or something."

"It's not your fault Lou, you're trying your best to help him and he's trying his best to recover. You can't blame yourself."

"I know, I know. It just hurts me to see him like this. I can't believe we didn't notice something was going on. He was suffering in silence for so long."

"I know, poor soul. I'm just happy he's getting help for his eating disorder. I think he should consider therapy."

"Yeah, I'm going to bring it up with him." Louis agreed.

"I got the nail polish!" Harry burst through the door with a grin.


	36. Chapter 36

"Let's paint your nails babe." Louis stood up from the sofa.

"Can I paint a hand?" Niall asked excitedly.

"You do one and I'll do one. Let's sit on the floor." Louis grabbed a newspaper off the table, placing it on the floor as Harry placed his hands down.

"Can my thumb start as red?" 

"Course sweetheart. Niall, can you count well enough to know which ones are pink?" Louis teased.

"Fuck off Louis." Niall pouted, "but can I do red first?" He added, making Harry giggle.

"We've got an interview tomorrow, do you think they'll mind?"

"Hopefully not, and if they do then they can go fuck themselves. They're just jealous because your hands are pretty and theirs aren't."

"What are ya going to wear to the interview tomorrow?" Niall asked as he concentrated on Harry's nails.

"I kinda want to wear my lilac corduroy flares and a white jumper, you know my one with the lamb on...but I haven't really worn stuff like this in public much. Until recently I've only really worn black skinny jeans and a plain t-shirt. But that's just not my style anymore."

"I think you should wear that, you'll look so cute." Louis smiled.

"Maybe. I want to wear grandma's pearl necklace as well." He added softly. "I miss her and I want to start wearing it more."

"Awe babe. She'd love that."

"Done! Well done with the red." Niall grinned, "gimme the pink."

"Alright, alright. Calm down." Louis passed him the pink nail polish.

"Harry you look so pretty!" Niall exclaimed once he had finished his hand.

Harry smiled as his cheeks turned pink, "thank you. I love them." He lifted his hands up, admiring his newly painted fingernails.

"You're beautiful." Louis sighed, pressing a kiss to Harry's forehead before standing up.

//

"Boo, I don't know if I should wear that outfit or not." Harry sighed as he walked into the kitchen the next morning.

"Go try it on, yeah? Then you can decide."

"Okay." 

5 minutes later he returned, his hands around his waist shyly. "Do I look alright?"

"You look fookin' amazing. If you don't wear that I won't let you in the interview."

Harry giggled, "so I'll wear this. I hope management don't say anything about my nails or necklace or anything."

"I hope not because I won't be able to contain myself if they're dicks. Ugh we're going to have to pretend we're not dating again."

"I wish we didn't have to pretend." Harry sighed.

"I know, me too. But hopefully we can cancel our contract with them soon."

//

"Larry have arrived!" Liam called to Zayn and Niall who were lying on the sofa.

"Woah Harry, you look sick mate." Zayn took in his outfit, "you should wear them clothes more often."

"Yes Hazza! I told you it would look good!" Niall agreed.

"Honestly you do look really good." Liam nodded.

"Thank you." Harry beamed. "Do you like my nails? Niall and Lou painted them for me."

"I love them! I want my nails pained now." Zayn said.

"We should all have a sleepover andd paint eachother's nails!" Niall grinned excitedly.

"Harry, Louis, we need you in hair and makeup!" Somebody called from outside the dressing room.

"Bye then boys." Louis waved.

"Hi." Lou smiled, "I haven't seen you two for a while. Anything new?"

"No, not really." Louis smirked at Harry.

"Well, who wants to go first?"

"Can I go first?" Harry asked.

"Sure, come sit down. Louis, just sit there and don't cause any trouble."

"I wouldn't dream of it. Don't Harry's nails look pretty?"

"Oh my god, let me see." Lou reached over, grabbing Harry's hand. "I love them Harry. And your outfit, woah you look good."

"Thank you." He chuckled.

"Um, Harry, did you know you had hickeys all down your neck?"

"What? Oh shit, Louis!" Harry turned around to glare at Louis who was hiding his smirk behind his hand.

"Yes Harold dear?"

"I told you not to leave a mark."

"Sooo...how long have you been together?" Lou asked with raised eyebrows.

"Oh shit again." Harry groaned, "don't tell anyone. Only the boys and our families know."

"I wasn't planning on telling anyone." She laughed, "but about time. See Harry, told you he wasn't straight."

"Oi, you two talked about me?"

"Maybe...Lou knew I liked you."

//

"So, two of you have broken up with your girlfriends, why's that?" The interviewer turned to Harry and Louis.

"They weren't nice people." Louis explained. "I don't want anyone sending hate to them or anything, but they're not nice, at all."

"And Harry, I see you've changed your style a bit, no pun intended. Why don't you tell us about your nails and necklace?"

"Um, last night Niall came over and I really wanted to paint my nails, is that strange? But yeah, Niall and Louis painted my nails for me to put it simply. And the necklace, um, it was my grandmother's...and she gave it to me before she passed away. I've decided to start wearing it more, to feel like I'm close to her."

"That's very sweet, well you look fab."

Harry smiled gratefully.

//

"Harry, what the hell are you wearing?" John, one of the lead people in management, stormed into their dressing room.

"My clothes." Harry shrunk back.

"I can see that, I'm not fucking blind."

"Hey, no need to swear at him." Liam stood up with a frown, "he's done nothing wrong."

"Have you seen what he's wearing?"

"It's called fashion sweetie, look it up." Louis spat with a sarcastic smile. "People like different things, and it's just obvious you have no taste."

"He's wearing a necklace and he has his nails painted! He's not a girl."

"And? He doesn't have to be a girl to wear certain things. Clothes have no gender. If he wants to wear it, he can fucking wear it."

"Anyone would think he's gay."

"And what if I am?" Harry said in a small voice.

"Then god help you. Fags should be killed." He growled.

Harry blinked back tears, and within that millisecond of having his eyes shut, Zayn had launched himself at John.

"Zayn! No, stop! Z you're going to get hurt!" Harry panicked.

"Harry, stay back from them, if you try and get him off you'll be the one getting hurt." Louis reasoned, "plus, that dickhead deserves it. Zayn's strong, he'll be alright."

"But what if he gets hurt because of me?" Harry turned to Louis with tears trickling down his cheeks.

Louis immediately pulled Harry in, placing a hand on the back of his head as Harry cried into his shoulder.

"Zayn man, you're going to kill him!" Liam yanked Zayn off.

"He fucking deserved it." Zayn wiped the blood away from his mouth.

"God management are going to kill us." Niall groaned. "Are you ok Zayn?"

"I am, but I don't think Harry is." Zayn winced as he gestured to the sobbing boy.

"Harry, just breathe. Just breathe Harry love."

"I c-can't-" He gasped, gripping the back of Louis's jumper.

"Sit down. Okay? Let's sit down and follow my breathing."

"What's the hell is happening?" Lou burst through the door, "Jesus Christ there's a bleeding man on your floor. Zayn, Niall, help me get him into the hair and makeup room."

Zayn groaned, putting an arm around him as Niall did the same.

"What happened?"

"He was being a dick to Harry because of what he's wearing and then he said that all gays should die so I beat him up."

"Good. Nobody should ever say those things. You put this bastard in his place. Was Harry crying because of what he said or something else?"

"I honestly don't know."

//

"Liam, can you fetch me some water for him please." Louis asked as he sat Harry down gently.

"Of course, yeah, I'll be right back."

"What's this all about then sweetheart?" Louis asked him softly as his breathing started to even out. 

"I thought Zayn was going to get hurt because of me like my mum."

"Haz, your mum didn't get hurt because of you, she got hurt because your dad was a horrible person.

"But-"

"No buts. It was not your fault in any way."

"Is Zayn alright?"

"Zayn's fine love."

Liam walked back in, handing Harry a cup of cold water, which he gladly took.

"Harry, are you alright?" Zayn followed shortly after, "Niall's helping Lou out."

"I'm okay now, are you okay?" Harry quickly stood up, hugging Zayn tightly.

"I'm fine, don't you worry."

"Thank god." Harry sighed in relief. "Thank god you're alright."


	37. Chapter 37

"Boo! The contract! It's over tomorrow!" Harry jumped on the bed next to Louis. "We can get a new management."

"I was thinking, just in case we can't find a new management that will let us be open, as soon as the contract is over we should come out. There's not much they can do once we're out."

"Okay, yeah. Let's do it." Harry grinned, "we'll get Niall to send us cute photos and then we can post them. Actually let's ask him now."

Haz: 'Hey Ni, can you send Lou & I cute photos of us? we want to come out tomorrow once the contracts done...'

Leprechaun: 'OMG yes of course, gimme a sec, I have an album, does this mean I can post a photo of you two as well?'

Haz: 'as long as we've both posted first'

"And there's the album." Louis chuckled as his phone pinged. "Jesus he's got a lot."

"Better get choosing." Harry curled up to Louis. "Can you play with my hair?"

"Mhm." Louis obliged. "I think I'll post this one. What do you think?" Louis tilted his phone so Harry could see.

It was a picture taken off them cuddled up together in their bed, Louis pressing a kiss to Harry's forehead.

"I think you should, but when did Niall even take that, the creep."

"Should I post this one?" Harry showed him a picture of them kissing in front of the ferris wheel on their first date.

"Yes! That was our very first date. Do you remember how you made me go on it then you admitted you were scared of heights." Louis laughed, "you only insisted on going on it because you thought it would be romantic."

"Shh, I was right, wasn't I? It was romantic. Wait, how did he even get this photo?"

"We took it on self timer and I sent it to the group chat." Louis told him.

"I remember. Well I'm going to go to sleep so that tomorrow comes quicker."

"Good idea. Night kitten."

"Night Boo." Harry reached over, turning off the light before resuming his place, cuddled up to Louis.

//

"I'm shitting myself." Harry bit his lip, "what if they hate us? What if we lose all of our fans and mess it up for Liam and Zayn and Niall.

"Harry, shut up. They're going to love us. Have you seen all the people who ship is? This will probably make their whole year. Don't overthink it too much babe."

"I'm sorry Lou, but you know that's what I do best. Fucking anxiety." He grumbled.

"Come sit down and stop pacing around. We'll post it at the same time, yeah?"

"Okay, okay. What are you putting in the caption?"

"I was thinking we can do an Instagram live later to answer a few questions maybe, so just something simple, maybe just an 'I love you'." Louis told him, "is that cheesy?"

"No, I think it's cute."

"What are you putting?"

"You'll see. Oh, by the way I let Liam and Zayn know we were doing this earlier, just in case anything happened I don't know."

"Okay, that's smart thinking actually."

"Are you ready?"

"Yep, 3, 2, 1 and post."

"Oh my god Lou we've done it, people know."

"My Boobear." Louis read aloud. "People are going to start calling me that now Haz." Louis groaned with a small smile on his face. Harry giggled, laying on Louis's lap. "I think we should probably stay off social media for a while, let it maybe die down a bit.

"I want to see what Niall posts though." Harry pouted.

"Text him and ask him to message you when he's done."

"You're so smart." Harry booped Louis's nose.

"Yep." Louis chuckled, "definitely not common sense."

"Don't ruin this for yourself Boo. Louis we can go out together properly like to restaurants and cafes and we can kiss!" Harry sat up with a grin.

"I know baby, I'm so excited."

"I want to know what management would say to this."

"I'm calling them." Louis sat up. He picked his phone up, going onto facetime.

"Hi." He waved as someone picked up.

"Louis? What can we do for you?"

"Have you seen Harry's or my Instagram posts? Potentially Niall's at this point."

"No? What've you done? This better not be anything bad about us."

"Not about you, but I'm not sure you'll be entirely happy."

"What the fuck? Why would you do that? Are you aware of how much this will damage our image?"

"Well luckily for you, our contract is over. And we're not signing again with you homophobic pricks. Goodbye, have a nice life dickheads." Louis grinned, hanging up.

"Well they were pissed." Louis chuckled, Harry bursting out into a fit of laughter. 

"Do you want to see what Niall posted? Oh god." Harry face-palmed. "Look."

"Jesus we're basically in a full out snogging session, what's he captioned it? Oh, 'larry is real bitches!', what a Niall thing to say."

louist91: 'you bet it fookin is'

"Can we do the livestream now?"

"If you want to babe. Wait um Lou, not yet because you know, I'm not fully recovered and I don't want people knowing just yet, but if I get better-"

"When you get better." Louis corrected.

"When I get better, I'd like to talk about it all. I still won't want people to know, but I think it would help other people who are going through the same thing."

"Oh Harry, as long as you feel comfortable, I think that would be a wonderful thing to do."

"I want to do it today..." Harry murmured, "I want to talk about it today but I'm scared."

"How about we do the livestream about us, and later on you and I can record a video. Whenever you feel ready we can post it. How does that sound?"

"Good, good, that sounds good. Yeah."

"You ready to start the livestream?" Louis asked as Harry sat between his legs. Louis rested his chin on Harry's head as Harry nodded, mumbling a "yes."

"Oi oiii!" Louis grinned as he started the livestream, "so we know you have a lot of questions so we thought we'd do a live."

"Hello." Harry waved, "fire away."

"How long have we been together? Around 4 months I reckon."

"Where did we go on our first date? Actually, the fairground in my Instagram post, that photo was taken was taken on our first date." Harry explained. "Lou won me a bunny, can I go and get it to show them?" Harry looked up to Louis.

"Of course babe, think he's on our bed."

Harry jumped up, running to get Fluffy before running back and resuming his earlier position. "How cute is he, he's called Fluffy." Harry held the bunny up to the camera.

"You're cuter." Louis mumbled, kissing his head.

Harry broke out into a smile, cuddling further into Louis. "Can you put your phone down so we can cuddle properly." Harry whispered in Louis's ear.

"Mhm, okay. Put it up against the vase on the coffee table."

"What other questions are there? Have we had se-oh!" Harry blushed.

"Yes. Yes we have." Louis chuckled. "And yes, I top." Louis rolled his eyes with a smile.

"Shush!" Harry squeaked, "I don't wanna talk about our sex life."

"Sorry love. Anyway, I know we haven't answered many questions but I think we'll go now. Harry and I are going to go on a date."

"We are?"

"We are sweetheart. Oh, and one more thing. We've only come out now because our contract with modest is over. We're not sure what our new management will be like, but we're out now, and it will be hard to hide it with all of you. But thank you for the support, it means a lot to us."

"We love you." Harry blew a kiss as Louis ended the livestream.

"Go get ready for our date babe."

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to a cute little café, Beechwood Café I think it's called."

"Okay, um what clothes do I wear?"

"Anything, just not too dressed up."

"Okay." Harry nodded, skipping off.


	38. Chapter 38

"Lou," Harry peeked his head around the door, "woah, you look hot." He added quietly.

"Thank you." Louis laughed, "so do you."

"Really? I feel quite, you know...ugly..." Harry muttered, biting his lip.

"Oh darlin', come here." Louis beckoned with his arms out.

Harry trudged over to him, relaxing into Louis's arms and resting his head on his shoulder.

"You're not one bit ugly, not one bit. You're perfect. Okay? You're fucking perfect."

"I'm not." He murmured.

"You are. You're beautiful. And I wish you could see it."

Harry offered Louis a small smile as he pulled his head back.

"Oh darling, no, no, don't cry. Please don't cry baby." Louis pouted, wiping away his tears that began to fall.

"I just feel so shit all of a sudden." He hiccuped.

"Right, let's sit down. We don't need to go out today, we can go tomorrow. Let's just focus on you."

"But our date...I don't wanna ruin it-"

"Shhh, we can go tomorrow. It's not like it was booked."

"I'm sorry." He squeezed his eyes shut, "I'm sorry that I'm being like this."

"Don't." Louis said firmly, "don't apologise."

"I don't know why I feel like this so suddenly."

"Let's go and get you changed back into more comfortable clothes, okay?"

"Okay." Harry mumbled, following as Louis led him to their bed. 

"Can you take your trousers off?"

Harry nodded with a sigh, pulling them off and pulling the joggers back on.

"Arms up." Louis nudged one of his arms, Harry obliged as Louis peeled off his jumper and then his top.

"Don't look at me please." Harry lowered his arms, wrapping his arms around his body insecurely.

"You know you don't need to worry about how you look around me. And for your information, you're so incredibly pretty."

"I know I don't but I can't help it." 

"What jumper would you like to wear?"

"One of yours."

"The one that absolutely swamps me?" Louis asked with a small laugh.

"Yes please." Harry giggled through his tears.

"There's that gorgeous smile of yours."

Louis pulled the jumper over his head before perching on the bed next to Harry and hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much Haz."

"I love you." Harry returned. "I need a cigarette, if that's okay?"

"If you really need to."

"I'm sorry. I know you want me to stop."

"Of course I do, but I can't be a hypocrite, you don't like it when I smoke either."

"We should stop." Harry sighed, "we really should stop."

"I know sweetheart. We should."

"In the new year, I'm going to stop. Well try to. It can be a new year's resolution."

"If you're going to then I will too. Well stop together." Louis said honestly.

"I'm going to have one of my last cigarettes now. Can you come with me?"

"Of course, I know you hate to smoke without me." They walked out, hand in hand, to the balcony.

Louis lit up a cigarette, passing it to Harry before lighting his own.

"Baby, do you want to call your mum?" Louis glanced at Harry who had tears forming in his eyes once again.

Harry turned to Louis, removing the cigarette from between his lips with shaking hands, letting out a small cry before collapsing onto the floor.

"Harry, oh Harry my darling." Louis dropped down next to him, holding his head against his chest. "You're going to be okay." Louis put his cigarette out, taking Harry's from his hand and stubbing that one out as well.

"I-I'm so s-sorry-" He gasped.

"I think you need to rest. Let's go and have a nap."

Louis helped Harry up, bringing him to their room and lying him down. Louis cuddled up to him, holding him tightly as Harry's breathing evened out and he soon fell asleep.

"Oi, Tommo? Styles? Where are you?" Liam called out.

Louis quickly but carefully unraveled himself from Harry's grip, slipping a pillow in his place before rushing out into the living room. "Shush!" He hissed.

"Why?" Zayn frowned.

"Harry's asleep."

"Is he aware that it's the middle of the day?"

"Course he is you dimwit." Louis glared at Niall.

"Alright, sorry." Niall put his hands up, "what's up? Is everything alright?"

Louis sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he fell back onto the sofa.

"Harry's just, you know...he was alright earlier and we were going to go on a date and then he said he felt ugly and started crying. And then we went outside to smoke, don't look at me like that Niall, we're going to try and stop in the new year, and then he completely broke down. Like he was shaking and he collapsed. I don't know what's happened."

"I'm sorry Lou, I hope he'll be alright."

"Yeah, me too. I can't stand it when he's upset. He doesn't deserve it. Anyway, do you want a drink? Cup of tea, or coffee, or something?"

"Sure, I'll have a coffee please mate." Niall nodded, Liam and Zayn agreeing.

"What are you all doing here anyway?" Louis asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"We were bored."

"I should really take your keys away." Louis chuckled lightly, "what if Harry and I were having sex on the sofa or something?".

"Ew! You've not done that before, have you?" Niall jumped off the sofa in disgust.

"Not the whole shabang, I've only given him a blowie on there." 

"Jesus Christ, I could've done without that information." Liam groaned.

"So from now on, please knock or call me or something." Louis smiled, "I don't think you fancy walking in on us fucking."

"Fine. I really don't want to walk in on that."

"That's what I thought."

//

"Oi, do not touch my hair!" Louis slapped Niall's hand away. "Nobody touches the Tommo's hair."

"Harry's allowed."

"Yeah, well...that's because I love him." Louis admitted with a blush, "stop looking at me like that!"

"Lou?" Louis jumped up, turning to face the boy behind him. He had somehow ended up in only his boxers, which showed his scars. Harry hadn't noticed the other boys yet, he was too busy rubbing his eyes, "oh!" He gasped, hiding his arms behind his back. "I-I didn't know you were here, sorry." He mumbled in embarrassment.

Louis walked over to Harry, taking his hand and leading him back into the bedroom.

"Did you see that?" Zayn asked quietly.

"What? His cuts?" Liam winced.

"Yeah, did you know about them?"

"When he came over a while ago I saw them and I got him to tell Louis."

"I came here and he was in the bathroom with Louis and they were cleaning up his cuts. He said he'd relapsed."

"Oh god, I didn't know, poor Haz..."

"Just don't mention them to him." 

Zayn nodded, "I won't."

"Are you feeling a bit better now darlin'?" Louis asked from inside their bedroom.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about earlier. I don't know what happened." Harry replied.

"Don't worry about it babe."

"Can we all watch a film?"

"If you want to." The pair walked back into the living room, Louis sitting down before pulling Harry onto his lap. "We're watching a film." He announced.


	39. Chapter 39

It was a year later and Harry had come a long way. Despite still having bad thoughts occasionally, he felt a lot better in himself. He was 10 months clean with his self harm, and hadn't had a cigarette in 11 months, nor had Louis.

He was still insecure, however he was slowly learning to love himself. Louis had suggested therapy and Harry had reluctantly agreed, luckily. It had helped him more than he could've imagined.

He and Louis were still going strong, stronger than ever actually, and little did Harry know but Louis had a surprise up his sleeve.

"Harry my love, where are you?" Louis's voice rang out through their large house. They had moved a couple of months ago to an old English house in the countryside, not too far away from London, but far enough for their own peace and quiet.

"Kitchen!" Harry replied.

"What are you making?"

"A cake. It's gonna be red velvet."

"You know that's my favourite!" Louis squeaked in excitement.

"I know, that's why I'm making it." Harry giggled.

"Well...I want to make dinner tonight." Louis rubbed his back.

"You? Make dinner?" Harry's eyebrow shot up as he turned to look at Louis.

"Yes thank you Harry. I will be making dinner."

"What's the special occasion?"

Louis shrugged, "I just want to spoil you today. Nothing wrong with that, ey?"

Harry smiled, beckoning for a kiss. Louis obliged. Harry span then around, lifting Louis onto the counter and stepping between his legs.

"Hey, you should be the one up here." Louis mumbled against Harry's lips. 

"You're too short. If I was on the counter, your mouth would be the same height as my...you know."

"Your dick." Louis chuckled.

"Yes." Harry blushed.

"I think that would work rather well, don't you? We'll have to try it sometime."

Harry leaned in again, kissing Louis passionately. "The cake!" He pulled away, squeaking as the alarm went off.

"Is it burned?" Harry held it up to Louis.

"No, I think it looks perfect." Louis told him, "just like you."

"You're cheesy."

"But you love it." He winked. "Anyway, how about spaghetti bolognese for dinner?"

"If you can manage it." Harry smirked.

"Oi, you're getting cheeky aren't you?"

"Only for you daddy."

Louis shook his head with a laugh. "Get out of my kitchen."

"But my cake-"

"Your cake can cool down whilst I make dinner. Now get your arse out of my kitchen. Also we're watching a film in the garden. I'll put the sheet up after dinner, do you want to put the projector out?"

"Okay." Harry nodded, "let me know if you need help with dinner."

"Will do. But I won't need help."

//

"Harry! Haz! I've done it! Dinner is made and not burned!" Louis shouted from the kitchen, "go sit at the table, I'm bringing it in."

"Well done." Harry chuckled from the hallway. 

Louis dished it out, grating cheese on top before carrying the plates into the living room. "Bon appetit, dinner is served."

"It looks amazing love." Harry said sincerely. 

"Thank you." Louis beamed, "I hope it tastes just as good."

"God, it tastes amazing." Harry moaned.

"Really?" Louis looked shocked.

"Mhm, try some." Harry picked up Louis's fork, sticking it in front of Louis's mouth. Louis opened his mouth as Harry fed it to him. His eyes widened in shock.

"It actually does taste good." 

"Told you."

//

"I'll never get tired of nights like this with you." Harry murmured into Louis's hair.

"Nor will I. That's why I want to do this."

"Do what?" Harry frowned.

Louis slipped out of his grip, standing up before pulling Harry up with him. Louis pressed a soft kiss to Harry's lips before pulling away and dropping down to one knee. Harry gasped, his hand flying to his mouth.

"Every single day when I wake up next to you, I think to myself how lucky I am. You're perfect, and I know it's only been a year, but I can't imagine my life without you. I love you so, so, so fucking much. That's why I'm asking you this. Harry Edward Styles, will you marry me?"

Harry's mouth opened and shut as he struggled to speak. His eyes teared up as he nodded frantically. "Y-yes! Yes. I-I will marry you! Oh my fucking god!" Louis slipped the ring onto Harry's shaking hand before he stood up, cupping Harry's face and kissing him passionately. "I love you so much." Harry cried.

"I love you." Louis hugged him tightly with a sniffle.

"Lou? Are you crying?"

"Maybe." Louis murmured, "god, we're a right pair aren't we." Louis pulled back, looking into Harry's eyes.

"Happy tears, right?"

"Of course they're fucking happy tears you idiot." Louis brushed Harry's hair out of his face, placing a kiss on his forehead. "God I'm so happy right now."

"Me too." Harry sighed.

"I've recorded this by the way." Louis whispered.

"You did? Oh my god you're amazing. Can we send it to the group chat?"

"I think we should wait to see how long it'll take for them to notice the ring. Shall we go and visit them?"

Harry nodded eagerly, "I wonder who's going to notice first."

"My bet is on Niall." 

"Mine too. Who's are we going to?"

"Liam's and Zayn's. I'll call Niall to tell him to meet us there."

//

"What's this all about then?" Zayn asked as he handed them both a glass of wine.

"Nothing." Louis smirked, "just wanted to see you, something wrong with that?"

"There's definitely something you're not telling us." Niall frowned, "have you just had sex in the car or something?"

"No we haven't thank you Niall."

"Then what-" Niall's jaw dropped, "Harry! Your ring!"

"What about it?" Harry covered his smile.

"It's an engagement ring! Oh my god, when did this happen?"

"You're engaged?" Liam's eyes widened.

Louis and Harry nodded. "Yes we are."

"Since when? Bloody hell this is amazayn." Zayn smiled.

"Really Zayn?" Louis laughed, "but yes, it is amazayn. And it happened earlier today. I'll send you the video."

"God I'm so happy for you two." Niall embraced them both in a hug, Liam and Zayn joining.

"So, when's the wedding? 

"God knows." Louis chuckled. "Whenever the times right I suppose. We haven't talked about it yet."

"I think we need another glass of wine."

"I've barely finished this one." Harry laughed.

"Never too much wine." Liam shrugged.

They all took another glass, Liam holding his up. "To Larry."

"To Larry." They repeated, Louis leaning in and kissing Harry.

"To us." He whispered.


End file.
